Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-26 22:42:41 · 4 answers · asked by StingRay 2

2007-03-26 22:38:46 · 15 answers · asked by devangana 2

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then he orders the bartender to prepare another double
Martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double
Martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring yaw' martinis all night long. But you got to tell me why you look inside your
Shirt pockets before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

2007-03-26 22:33:34 · 6 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

2007-03-26 22:28:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 22:24:09 · 58 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they dont return them Muaaa hahahahahah

2007-03-26 22:07:38 · 7 answers · asked by StingRay 2

A woman married had 13 children, her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children, again her husband died, but she remarried and this time had 5 more children and then she finally died.
Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her and said
"Lord they are together".
One friend asked her friend " Do you think he means the 1st or 2nd husband?".
The friend replies "I think he means her legs"

2007-03-26 22:04:34 · 9 answers · asked by Tooly 3

2007-03-26 22:02:06 · 14 answers · asked by lisajade 2

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my *** sure hurts."

2007-03-26 21:53:01 · 8 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

If u defeat second person in a race what will be your position ?

if u defeat last person in a race what will be your position ?

2007-03-26 21:52:56 · 6 answers · asked by Life sucks . but u gonna love it 2

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

2007-03-26 21:41:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

man walks into a library, says to the librarian 'can i have fish and chips please?', Librarian says 'excuse me sir this is a library', the man replies *whispers* 'oh sorry *whispers* can i have fish and chips please'

2007-03-26 21:33:18 · 10 answers · asked by Taylor 2

Mrs Scrooge:My dear ,this is the man who saved you from drowing.Shall I reward him ten dollars?
Mr.Scrooge:I was half dead when he dragged me out of the water.Give him five dollar.

2007-03-26 21:26:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 21:24:52 · 2 answers · asked by hello world 7

Mrs Lay:I was really insulted at that fancy party last night.
Mrs Lee:Why?What happened?
Mrs Lay:The master of ceremony asked me to take off my
mask.He said it was scary.
Mrs Lee:And you didn't want to remove it?
Mrs Lay:I wasn't wearing one!!

2007-03-26 21:21:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, Two nuns walk from the convent to the local town, down a dark country lane. Half way through their journey they are attacked and raped by a gang who make off into the night when their crime is complete.

The two nuns are obviously shocked and distressed and one asks of the other "Do we tell mother superior that we have been raped twice or do we keep it a secret?",
the second replies "What do you mean raped twice?"
The first replies "Well we have to come back this way dont we?"

2007-03-26 21:20:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

2007-03-26 21:20:06 · 2 answers · asked by Life sucks . but u gonna love it 2

Golfing Nun


A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with mybrother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,Mother 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

2007-03-26 20:53:55 · 16 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-03-26 20:53:48 · 5 answers · asked by greatkid8 1

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
woman waving at him. She says "hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back tothe only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

2007-03-26 20:42:17 · 14 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

" and despite all the training I was still very nervous " he says, " but there was this big strong black man who was our instructor, so I got in the plane and up we went " ! " Well, at 10,000 feet I was sh*tting myself , and it was my turn to jump " ! " I couldn't do it, I was terrified " he continues.
" Suddenly, I look round, and the big butch black man's got his enooooormous willy in his hand and tells me if I don't jump he's going to stick it up my a*se " !
" So, did you jump " asks his friend ! " I did at first " he replies !

2007-03-26 20:38:32 · 4 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

third day the camel suddenly dropped dead.the nun n the priest surveyed their situation.the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would u do something for me?"I have never seen a woman's br*asts n I was wondering if I might see urs.The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely br*asts. Father, could I ask something of you? "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's p*nis. Could I see yours?" the priest replied lifting his robe."Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge er*ction.Sister, you know that if I insert my p*nis in the right place, it can give life."
Is that true father?Yes, it is, Sister.



"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

2007-03-26 20:36:43 · 7 answers · asked by medi 2

I noted that 246 drivers a day are being fined £60 and gained three points on their licence since the new rules became law,

Notable cases in the past month included:

Strathclyde Police Chief Superintendent Kenny Scott, 50, was caught by his own colleagues as he drove on the M74 while off duty.

Keith Pemberton, 29, was fined £60 for eating a cheese and pickle sandwich behind the wheel by police on the A49 in Warrington, Cheshire.

A Cleveland driving instructor was fined for using his phone while directing a learner driver.

While I never have used my phone while driving, (I'm a man, I can't multitask), do you think it's going a bit far to be fined for eating a cheese and pickle sandwich?

2007-03-26 20:35:25 · 6 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

How do I know what is what? and who told me that what is what? Why is what what and not why? And why is why why and not what? When is what why? and when is why what? Why is why why and not when or what, and why is when when and not what or why? And why is why why and not when or what?

2007-03-26 20:23:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves
orgasm so they decide to ask a s*x therapist for advice. The therapist
listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping
young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a
towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally
naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That
will help your wife fanaticise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves
a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the
wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the
therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow
the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife
soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the
husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him,
triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, sonny!!"

2007-03-26 20:09:51 · 2 answers · asked by saxo 1

That Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth?! haha

I know its not a joke but I found it amusuing. did you?

2007-03-26 20:08:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 20:04:50 · 7 answers · asked by carrie 4

?

2007-03-26 19:36:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

That Bill Clinton came between two Bushes?

2007-03-26 19:19:21 · 14 answers · asked by Taliesin Pen Beirdd 5

2007-03-26 19:18:27 · 23 answers · asked by Mike M. 7