Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Mystery one

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police .
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?


Mystery two

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

if u r not gettting the answers then i want stars and thumbs up

2007-03-26 16:51:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 16:42:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 16:36:22 · 8 answers · asked by tait o 1

There are many answers but i'm looking for a specific one!

2007-03-26 16:26:03 · 14 answers · asked by tillugurl 1

how far can a dog run into the woods?

2007-03-26 16:22:05 · 8 answers · asked by SAJ 2

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to P. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her b u t t that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2007-03-26 16:13:59 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender
For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying...

2007-03-26 16:08:07 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

If there are two cats on top of the bridge, and two cats below the brige, how many are in the middle?

2007-03-26 15:59:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry i was late and i didn't do it yesterday or tha day before that. here is the riddle:

A time when they’re green, a time when they’re brown,
But both of these times, cause me to frown.
But just in between, for a very short while,
They’re perfect and yellow, and cause me to smile!
What am I talking about here?

2007-03-26 15:54:30 · 17 answers · asked by MAC29 1

ok see, me and my family r having this big party at our house for the ohio state vs georgetown game. and a person that is coming said he is going to play a huge prank on me

any ideas to what i can do to him?

pranks or just random annoying things

2007-03-26 15:44:16 · 5 answers · asked by roller coaster lover 1

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away....

"We're down here."

2007-03-26 15:43:21 · 36 answers · asked by Tink 5

i got it ! can you name it?

2007-03-26 15:41:05 · 7 answers · asked by misterious person 2

alright here's the test. all you have to do is finish this story.

you go over to your girlfriends house and you get to the door. you are about to knock and you hear a bang bang bang in the back yard. you walk around after knocking a few times and follow the sound. you hear a scream followed by another scream. the bang bang bang still hasnt stopped. you wonder "what in the hell and start to get curious and a little concerned. you get to the shed in the back and its shaking. you open the door and see........

what do you see and do?

2007-03-26 15:38:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i friend made me crack up when she told me what it means sooo guess and ill tell you in 24 hours

2007-03-26 15:37:10 · 11 answers · asked by Sarie B 1

Why did the Irishman have to go to hospital after breaking his favorite bottle of whiskey?

To get the splinters and glass removed from his tongue!!

That's for you, Da! Godspeed!!!

2007-03-26 15:35:58 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men pay for a hotel room for one night. The total cost for all 3 was $30 which means each man paid $10. After the 3 men had gone to the room, the clerk at the front desk realized he had overcharged them $5. He sent the bellhop to return the money but only had one dollar bills. To keep it even between the 3 guests, the bellhop decided to give each man $1 and keep the other two dollars as a tip. If each man had paid $9 and the bellhop kept $2, where did the other dollar go?

9 x 3 = 27
27 +2 = 29

I just don't get it.

2007-03-26 15:33:54 · 7 answers · asked by Dustin G 1

PMS? (no foul language please)

So far, mine's

pass my shotgun

2007-03-26 15:33:17 · 8 answers · asked by answermaker96 2

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?

2007-03-26 15:31:36 · 4 answers · asked by cast.no.shadow 5

And don’t know anybody that has!
I know this is banter, but the same old jokes keep reappearing on here about us!
Either come up with a new joke, or leave it there!
We can take banter, but it is getting boring now, I must say!

Bet any money “the pimp” “the Irish and Welsh guy” “the leisure centre” ones as well as the others will reappear once I post this question!
FOR FECK SAKE, IF YOU WANNA TAKE THE PISH OUT OF US, COME UP WITH A NEW ONE!

And yes, after an all dayer on the lash, the last one up the mountain gets the ugliest sheep!
Usually me, so out of condition!

2007-03-26 15:29:00 · 2 answers · asked by Welshchick 7

Truck Driver Snow Joke

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

2007-03-26 15:27:19 · 12 answers · asked by mickeymouseroyalty 2

uffff

2007-03-26 15:19:33 · 4 answers · asked by yturnjsinkjfshkjfsd 4

2007-03-26 15:19:30 · 7 answers · asked by Betty Yazzie 1

2007-03-26 15:16:44 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

Aspirin!!!?
A guy is out with his buddies.
He has a few drinks, gets h0r-ny but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wideopen.
He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!



He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

2007-03-26 15:16:01 · 10 answers · asked by noone c 1

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

2007-03-26 15:10:00 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Finish this story.....
You walk into the house feeling hungry and tired. Today something is strange.....usually your little siblings are screaming and yelling when you get home.But today,its quiet. You start to like it untill the power blacks out. Next thing you know a light comes on in your older sister's room.Then you hear soft thumps. You slowly walk up the stairs,down the hall to your sister's room.you reach the knob and slowly turn it.You peek in and..............
Can you use your imagination?
When you come up with something creative let me know.

2007-03-26 15:09:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it inborn? Or can it be learned? I am not really serious I am just sarcastic with the occasional witty remark here and there, Id like to become more witty rather than sarcastic since to me sarcasm is rather.... depressing if you know what I mean. It just makes me feel down.

Anyways if one can become witty, what are some things you could do? I for one have started getting all my news from John Stewart and Colbert, any other suggestions?

Im 15.

2007-03-26 15:06:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 15:05:20 · 3 answers · asked by victoria s 1

Ooops too many Brandy`s I think!

Late at night A truck driver was driving on a long road when in the distance he saw two figures. As he got closer he relised it was two people having s $ x on the road!

He pushed his brakes and his truck came to a screaching halt a few feet away from the two people. He jumped out of the truck and ran over to the people and yelled, "WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE OUT OF THE WAY??!!"

The man got up and replied out of breath, "Well I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming, and you were the only one with brakes."

2007-03-26 15:01:50 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-03-26 15:01:43 · 12 answers · asked by camperck828 2