Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Saw a great deal in the classifieds for a french military rifle...

First one to get the punchline right gets best answer!

2007-01-08 10:46:39 · 8 answers · asked by josephine 3

the joke is, there once was a famous coyboy, who always stood with his back to the wall, so nothing could take him by suprise... and it worked, cuz the bullet that killed him came from the front, and he saw it coming...

i know its kinda corny, but does anyone remember what show it was from???

2007-01-08 10:32:54 · 5 answers · asked by M T 5

If you get it right it will be best answer.

2007-01-08 10:19:08 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think my fiance is pregnant. Will she be able to do the yardwork, clean the house, work 2 jobs and take care of me. Or should I leave her.

2007-01-08 10:17:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I keep seeing these on answers

2007-01-08 10:16:50 · 5 answers · asked by killaofthedark 3

For example, "710" could be read as "OIL" upside down. Is there anything like that in Braille?

2007-01-08 10:12:09 · 2 answers · asked by Jentleman 2

A hunchback walks into a tailors and asks the man if they have a suit to fit him
'Well if I have someones ******* fired......'

2007-01-08 10:06:00 · 12 answers · asked by Fran G 4

Guess who knows the state capitals?
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

2007-01-08 10:00:16 · 26 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

i said 'What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?'
'dunno' he said
'throw all your dirty washing in!' I replied
'you sick bastard, my gran was epileptic and she died in the bath' came the reply
'oh im sorry mate i didnt mean to offend you,really' i said
'yeah, she choked on a sock.........'

sorry if this offends but u have to admit its quite good eh?

2007-01-08 09:57:50 · 26 answers · asked by Fran G 4

2007-01-08 09:46:16 · 20 answers · asked by Shannon 1

50 cent and his grandma were watching tv. his grandma was knitting. so 50 cent goes: "JEE!!!! YOU KNIT?"

ha ha ha?

2007-01-08 09:43:13 · 31 answers · asked by sofia 3

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-01-08 09:38:38 · 52 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

2007-01-08 09:37:10 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 09:34:52 · 6 answers · asked by hay-hay 2

A teacher, hell bent on making sure none of his class ever succumb to the evils of alcohol, thinks to show them a rather gruesome example of what alcohol can do.

He sets up two clear drinking glasses, into one he pours clean fresh water, and into the other, he pours some whisky.

"Now," he commands his curious class, "watch!"

He takes two pond worms, one he pops into the water, and it swims around quite happily as such creatures do in water.

The other pond worm he puts into the whisky.

Well, that poor old worm writhes for a while in agony before finally succumbing and dropping quite dead to the bottom of the glass.

"Well class?" he turns to face the blackboard with grave demeanour, "and what can we deduce from THAT?"

There is a pause and Johnny at the back of the class says slyly.

"Drink whisky sir, and you won't get worms!"

2007-01-08 09:32:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 09:31:47 · 21 answers · asked by bananananana 3

2007-01-08 09:16:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the doctor with a hemmroid problem. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells him to come back in a month.
The guy gets home and opens the box, but he's never seen a suppository before. He ask's his wife, "How do I take this medicine?"
She says, "I don't know - they look like they would melt in your coffee."
So that's the way he takes them for the whole month - he melts them in his coffee. He goes back to the doctor after the month passed and the doctor asked him, "Well, how do you feel? How is your hemmroid problem now?"
The guy says, "Doc, not only did those things taste awful, but for all the good they did me I might as well have been shoving them up my rear end."

2007-01-08 09:13:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy and mick are in a pub when a smartly dressed man walks in. paddy says 'im going to ask him what he does for a living'. He walks up to the man and asks him what his job is. 'Im a doctor of logic' the man replies. 'Whats that?' asks paddy. 'Let me show' you he says.Do you have a goldfish? asks the man'yes I do' says paddy'and is it in a pond or a tank?'
'its in a pond' says paddy'so i assume you have a large garden then' says the man 'thats logic''And from that i guess you have a large house''its a very big house' says paddy
'so you probably have kids then' 'thats logic'
thats amazing replies paddy'and a wife i suppose' . 'thats just logic' says the man. paddy is amazed.'probably means you dont masturbate then' 'thats logic'.'no need to'says paddy 'a shags there anytime i want it'.paddy returns to mick and tells mick about the man. 'a doctor of logic? whats that then?''let me show you' paddy says'do you have a goldfish?' he asks mick. 'no I dont'. well u must be a wanker then!'

2007-01-08 09:11:30 · 21 answers · asked by Fran G 4

A little girl visits her granny.

"Granny, what is a lover?" her granny, wondering how on earth she could answer this said "A lover, a lover, let me see now - a lov - Oh my God!"

She runs to the alcove next to the fire, pulls back the curtain to reveal a hidden closet door, she unlocks it and out falls a skeleton.

2007-01-08 09:11:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 09:09:44 · 10 answers · asked by Kenya 2

We go to Sunnyville Retirement home where old Jack and very old Jim are whiling away the morning in the lounge.

Jack leans over towards Jim and says, quietly

"Jim, I hate to embarrass you, but do you know you've got a suppository in your ear?"

"What?" says Jim.

Jack coughs, and trying to raise his voice but not too much repeats; "I said, you've got a suppository in your ear!"

Jim replies "Do I suppose it worries her? Who? What?"

Losing patience Jack yells, "YOU'VE GOT A SUPPOSITORY IN YOUR EAR!"

Old Jim gives a start and 'pop', pulls the thing out of his ear.

"Oh!" he says, "now I know where I put my hearing aid!"

2007-01-08 09:05:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.

He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the delicate liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

2007-01-08 08:59:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

2007-01-08 08:58:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chinese couple who have worked the same restaurant for years, finally decide they should get married.

She is very nervous, but excited, as she lies under the covers whilst her new husband undresses.

He gently climbs into bed and says,

"Look my darling blossom, I know this is first time for you, so, I want to be able to please you in any way. Whatever you want my darling, you let me know, and I will be the best lover for you. Now, you tell me blossom, what you want."

She giggles, thinking of all the wondrous things she has read in naughty women's magazines.

"Now darling blossom, do not be shy, what you want?" he giggles too.

She giggles again, goes to tell him, but just bursts into giggles at the thought of it.

He giggles too! "Now, my sneaky little blossom, you tell me what it is you want!"

She giggles again, uncontrollably, thinking of the diagrams she has seen.

He giggles along with her. "Blossom, come on now, I know you want something? Yes Hmmmm?"

"Yes!" she says, giggling, "Give me a sixty nine!"

He stops giggling.

"What?" he says, flumnmoxed, "You want Chicken Dice With Fried Walnuts?"

2007-01-08 08:54:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman comes into work with a stoater of a black eye.

"Who the hell did that to you?" asked her co-worker.

"My husband." she replied.

"I thought he was away on a busines trip for three weeks?" her friend said.

"So did I."

2007-01-08 08:52:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am solving neutral riddle

2007-01-08 08:52:00 · 12 answers · asked by gautami c 1

2007-01-08 08:47:49 · 68 answers · asked by Khalilos 1

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I`ve had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, " You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary`s".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "who is this Fannie Green"? The sinner replies, "a new woman in the neighbourhood."
"very well" says the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary`s ."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men`s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "is that Fannie green? The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes.........."

2007-01-08 08:44:09 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

If a fly lost it's wings, would it be called a 'walk'?

2007-01-08 08:34:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous