Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly South for the winter. How ever the weather soon turned cold and he decided he must go South. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a Farmyard nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen and cr.apped on him. The sparrow thought it was the end but the warm manure thawed out his wings, Warm and happy and able to breathe he started to sing, just then a cat came by and heard the chirping. He scraped away the manure and promptly ate the bird

And the moral of the story is
Every one who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Every one who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend
And if your warm and happy in a pile of crap you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

2007-01-08 08:31:17 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-01-08 08:27:34 · 11 answers · asked by *NuBCaKe* 4

its for a slumber party on the april 1

2007-01-08 08:26:19 · 7 answers · asked by Ichigo Momoya 1

Can you claim family allowance for your nippers?

2007-01-08 08:25:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 08:22:58 · 22 answers · asked by DOMINGO C 1

2007-01-08 08:07:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

4 men go fishing. Each man catches a fish and they come home with 3 fish. How is that possible?

2007-01-08 08:02:52 · 23 answers · asked by Jess 2

Adrian is standing on the border of Mass. and NH, holding a glass of water. Without moving, how can he take the water through three states, physically?

2007-01-08 08:02:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is how i would die:

On top of a tall building. Helicopter is pounding my chest full of bullets from its machine gun. It keeps shooting me until i am really close to the ledge. I am close to the ledge. Bullet hits my neck and i fall over the edge. On my way down as i am falling, helicopter continues to keep shooting me. I splatter unto the concrete sidewalk below. The person who was in control of the helicopter takes my splattered remains and burns it in a large fireplace.

2007-01-08 08:00:54 · 29 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

2007-01-08 07:53:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 07:48:39 · 15 answers · asked by Jekyl and Hyde 2

There is an old man sitting at the end of a bar. He hears the door open and he watches the person come in. Well, this isn't just an ordinary person. This is the biggest punk person in the world. He has the green, spiky mohawk. He's got the face paint on. He's got the biggest earrings you'll ever see. The old man stares at him as the man walks to the bar. The man catches the old guy staring at him and says "HEY! What are you staring at? Haven't you done anything crazy in your life old man?" The old man swigs his drink and stares in the eyes of the punk dude. He finally says, "Yeah...I have. I got really drunk one night and screwed a parrot. I just wanted to see if you were my kid."

2007-01-08 07:45:11 · 32 answers · asked by scoobydoo316316 3

what breaks but never falls, and falls but never breaks?

2007-01-08 07:42:26 · 17 answers · asked by mnymn177 3

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, "No, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

2007-01-08 07:41:16 · 19 answers · asked by Papa 7

A man walks in the kitchen with a chicken under his arm and his wife is standing there. So, the man says "How do you like the pig I been f**kin'?" His wife looks at him and says, "That's a chicken dumb ***!" The man says, "I was talking to the chicken!"

2007-01-08 07:31:09 · 19 answers · asked by Jess 2

2007-01-08 07:26:29 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

and why

2007-01-08 07:25:53 · 4 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

Man says to wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night".
"Did you?" she said, feeling pleased and smug.
"Yes", he said. "I dreamt that you got run over by a bus and I p***ed myself laughing".

2007-01-08 07:25:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I''ll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny.

10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

2007-01-08 07:22:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Whats the difference between a fanny and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesnt fart when u take the meat out...

Q. Whats the difference between LIGHT and HARD?
A. U can get to sleep with a light on

Man and wife sitting at home watchin TV , man turns to wife and says 'grab your coat darlin I feel like a pint' wife replies 'its not like you to take me out' man replies 'youre not coming with me, Im turning the heating off'.

Man standing in a pub notices a bulldog licking its balls. 'Wish I could do that' he says to the dogs owner.Owner replies 'Buy it a packet of crisps and it might let ye'

want more? or heard it all before? ive got tons o them all so bad uve got to laugh.

2007-01-08 07:22:35 · 29 answers · asked by Fran G 4

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright ****."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."

2007-01-08 07:13:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

British people cannot come on this British site and be certain of getting British answers! It's a disgrace! When I was a British lad, by gaw we were british through and through, but now we could get an answer from anybody!!!!???...

How can we make sure that this once great British site will once again be free from Non British interference????

Can you hear me mother?????

2007-01-08 07:11:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-01-08 07:11:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

here's one. why did the samoans chase the incredible Hulk?


cause they thought he was a green banana!

2007-01-08 07:03:07 · 3 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

hoe, hoe, hoe.
i made it up long time ago, it actually became pretty popular somehow back home.

2007-01-08 06:54:17 · 14 answers · asked by Frank 2

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Keep honking...I'm reloading....

2007-01-08 06:52:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma b*tch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma b*tch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma b*tch.

2007-01-08 06:50:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cops found Class A drugs in the living room, Class B drugs in the bathroom, and Class 5c in the bedroom........any good???

2007-01-08 06:40:08 · 17 answers · asked by BigGman 2

So theres this newfy, Hes having anal sex with a girl (or so he thinks she a she.) Shes actually a transexual. After a while the transexual starts getting excited and has an erection. the newfy reaches over "her" and grabs it.

With a stunned look he says: SWEET all the way through!

2007-01-08 06:39:43 · 6 answers · asked by markymarc999999 2

Michael Jackson got in common??

They often come in contact with a MINORS HELMET.

2007-01-08 06:27:59 · 25 answers · asked by ? 4