Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Your momma so fat your daddy took out collision coverage for when they bone.

2007-01-13 08:56:20 · 10 answers · asked by Mr H 1

2007-01-13 08:56:03 · 6 answers · asked by Bud's Girl 6

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.

2007-01-13 08:50:34 · 19 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

WE ARE TAKING ALL YOUR HOUSING AND YOUR BENIFITS.............AND SOON YOUR WOMAN

HA HA HA

2007-01-13 08:45:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

q: How can you tell ET was a student?
a: He looks like one!

2007-01-13 08:41:53 · 21 answers · asked by mai51156 2

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

2007-01-13 08:35:23 · 56 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ***!"

2007-01-13 08:32:47 · 11 answers · asked by mai51156 2

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

2007-01-13 08:28:32 · 21 answers · asked by mai51156 2

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." the hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driwent dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male) "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets abouther virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

2007-01-13 08:26:52 · 20 answers · asked by mai51156 2

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependant on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug".

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a B--ch....... ..

2007-01-13 08:16:13 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

an old lady felt something moving around her nether regions and so she went to the doctor,
Well my dear you have crabs,
Thats impossible said the woman , i am an 80 year old virgin, i have never had sex and so i dont have crabs, I want a second opinion,
She goes to another doctor for her check up.
Well he said, The good news is you dont have crabs, the bad news is your cherry has rotted and you have fruit flies.

2007-01-13 08:13:11 · 29 answers · asked by chris w. 7

that that is is that that is not is not is that it that is


its in the flower's for Algernon movie...i thot it was pretty cool so ya :]

2007-01-13 08:11:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A manufacturer sends out his candy tubes in boxes of 160. They are packed in eight rows of 20 each, and exactly fill the box. Could he, by packing differently, get more than 160 in the box? If so, what is the greatest number he could add? At first sight, it sounds absurd to expect to get more candy tubes into a box that is exactly filled, but a moment's consideration should give you the key to the paradox.

2007-01-13 08:07:45 · 10 answers · asked by MM&FF 2

U.S Japan and the Korea were in a contest of slicing a fly with a samurai!!

1st up Japan-*slice**slice*slice*slice*slice* the fly was slices in 5!!
Audiences-YEEEEAAHHHH WHOOOAHOOOO!!!

2nd is Korea-*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice*slice* the fly was sliced up in 10..
Audience-YYYEEEAAAHHHHH WHOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA THATS AMAAZING!!!!

3rd is U.S-*slice*
Audience-......................................*silence*..................BOOOOOOOOOOO YOU SUCK!!!!
US-wait wait wait!!!look at the fly on magnifying glass!!
Audience-YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WOW YOUR INCREDIBLEE YEEEEAAHHHHHH
*after reviewing it on a magnifying glass the audience found out that the US circumcise the fly*

are you still reading??you must be bored like i am??!!

2007-01-13 08:06:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

intention to marry a woman of 30.
he is persuaded to have a check up with the doctor first.
The doc says come on then let me see your sex organs.
The old man sticks out his tongue and raises his middle finger

2007-01-13 08:05:53 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A millionhare

2007-01-13 08:01:41 · 23 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

with it's blue lights flashing but I kept going until eventually he pulled in front of me. Why didn't you stop when you saw my lights flashing the cop said. I told him, my wife ran off with a copper last week and when I saw the lights I was afraid you were bringing her back.

2007-01-13 08:00:07 · 15 answers · asked by tucksie 6

have webbed feet

to stamp out fires,
why do elephants have flat feet

to stamp out burning ducks.

2007-01-13 07:56:05 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Why did the chicken cross the road?..
Answer: coz it felt like it

2007-01-13 07:55:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are they so far down the in pecking order that the rest of us can't even be bothered to make up jokes about them? There are plenty about the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, a smattering about the Welsh, but none about the I.o.M? Anybody know any?

2007-01-13 07:55:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

2007-01-13 07:51:54 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

2007-01-13 07:47:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

blowing your buffer, losing your train of thought.
coffee, a person who was coughed up.
abdicate. a person who has given up all hope of having a flat stomach.
flabbergasted. appalled at how much weight you have gained.
flatulence. a truck which picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.
carcinoma, a valley in california notable for its heavy smog.
lymph, to walk with a lisp.
willy nilly, impotent,
testicle. a humerous question on an exam.
oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversations with yiddish expressions
negligent. describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

can you come up with 2 or more.

2007-01-13 07:42:22 · 7 answers · asked by chris w. 7

10 pts for the first right answer.

2007-01-13 07:36:37 · 7 answers · asked by Richard Serenity 4

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?



The one on the range.



Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

2007-01-13 07:34:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-13 07:30:36 · 11 answers · asked by Jamie B 1

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

2007-01-13 07:30:13 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

suddenly bang there shopping trolleys together, the first man said sorry because he wasn't looking where he was going as he was to busy looking for his wife, the second man replied the same, he too was looking for his wife. the first man asked him what his wife looked like. he replied ,tall ,good looking,slim, long blonde hair, large boobs, pert bum and dressed to kill , what does your wife look like. forget mine lets look for yours said the first man

2007-01-13 07:28:40 · 14 answers · asked by ensanguining 1

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The auctioneer announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is announced: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month! What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull comes up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

2007-01-13 07:27:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

was a dead jackazz on his lawn. the President said you r the one's that give them there last rights. The pope said your right but it is also r jobs to notify the next of kin.

2007-01-13 07:24:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous