Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Are working as sailors on board an old sailing ship years ago. One night, they all get drunk, cause a load of trouble and are thrown in the brig. The next morning, they're brought out on deck to receive their punishment of 10 lashes. As it's the captain's birthday, he decides to allow them to have something put on their back before the flogging. He asks the Scotsman if he'd like anything on his back, the Scotsman asks for a pint of scotch whisky to be rubbed into his back. He then asks the Englisman the same question, he replies that he would like some nice nivea cream rubbed on his back. Then the captain asked the Irishman if he'd like anything put on his back before he was flogged. "I would" said Paddy "That f**king Englishman"

2007-01-13 07:17:30 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

u get ur wife back ur dog back and ur house back

2007-01-13 07:11:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

three old men are sitting in a coffee shop talking, they start up a converstaion about how it sucks to be old, the first man is 84 and he says "i wake up 5 times a night to go pee, it's really annoying" the second old man is 87, he says "thats nothing, i'm constantly constipated!" the third old man 91 then says "thats it?! i wake up every morning at 5 a.m. to take a wizz, and poo" the other too men say "well thats amazing!" the 91 yr old continues "..but i dont get out of bed until 7 a.m.!"

2007-01-13 07:09:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!!

2007-01-13 07:04:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!!

2007-01-13 07:03:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thin king about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


Thank you and good night. I will get my coat and hat
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-01-13 06:41:16 · 41 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

1. Were both father and ___ when they fell asleep at the play last night?

2. After the first inning, the Yankees were ahead one _____.

3. Was Jack ____ a perfect 20-20 when he starred in Dragnet?

4. There were no cold cuts in the fridge, so he opened a can of ____.

2007-01-13 06:41:14 · 7 answers · asked by ♪ ♫ ☮ NYbron ☮ ♪ ♫ 6

(Especially the kid's ones)

2007-01-13 06:37:29 · 14 answers · asked by Georgie Smorgie 2

sees another sunrise. (No, he didn't kill himself or shoot at himself.) Can you explain this odd occurrence?

2007-01-13 06:37:21 · 16 answers · asked by ♪ ♫ ☮ NYbron ☮ ♪ ♫ 6

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

2007-01-13 06:32:27 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!

2007-01-13 06:30:38 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

2007-01-13 06:28:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just wanted to say goodbye to all the normal people on this site. Yesterday I had a violation notice from a religious bigot who found this joke offensive. Because of the way people like that can report somebody so easily I am not going to use this site again. So bye bye to everybody. The right wingers win!!!! BUT HERE'S THE JOKE THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE....................................................... A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

2007-01-13 06:27:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

"What can I dol?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with gas" the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is this?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac" the driver said. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior,...."
"Wow, " said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25, " he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees. "What're those little things?" asked the attendant."That's what I put my balls on when I drive " said the man. "Goodness, " said the attendant. "The Cadillac people think of everything".

2007-01-13 06:26:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench
one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog
and
wasn't
even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's

stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps

your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it Would you like
some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the
5th
loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows
about

this sh*t but me."

2007-01-13 06:22:31 · 5 answers · asked by LucySD 7

2007-01-13 06:21:01 · 14 answers · asked by blue2lady2001 2

It is the only paper that doesnt rip when you wash it...How come?

2007-01-13 06:11:19 · 5 answers · asked by penguin, or maniacle evil genius 3

Do these sound familiar? They were hysterical! (And got somebody in trouble too.) Like "My wife can't make an apple pie, ....................."

2007-01-13 06:04:24 · 2 answers · asked by Bud's Girl 6

PAT: Hello?
MICK: Hello, is that Dublin,double two, double two?
PAT: Ah no, this is Dublin, two two, two two.
MICK: Ah, I musta got the wrong number, sorry to bother you.
PAT: Ah, sure 'tis no trouble at all, the phone was ringing anyway.

2007-01-13 05:58:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a,b,c,d. can be any number of series
for example 1234
then the ans. will be 4321
but in this case the starting digit 1 is not equal to 0

2007-01-13 05:55:21 · 6 answers · asked by dhawal 1

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

2007-01-13 05:49:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

something about they split all the bills and somehow there is a dollar missing. at the end you add it all up and the total is 29. it's a mathematical flaw. my father told me this story many years ago and i can't remember how it goes

2007-01-13 05:43:40 · 6 answers · asked by it's me, julie 2

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-01-13 05:39:22 · 16 answers · asked by missmozee 3

On examination they found that the gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under 3 conditions:
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "And", Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me at least a week to come up with $500.

2007-01-13 05:37:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

You may be an Idaho Redneck if you use your sister's bra to reattatch the bumper to your car.

2007-01-13 05:28:52 · 8 answers · asked by Lamron 2

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

2007-01-13 05:22:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

2007-01-13 05:19:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?-He paints his privates red and climbs up a cherry tree.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?-A giraffe eating cherries.

2007-01-13 05:16:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

2007-01-13 05:16:09 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

The neighborhood postman was retiring. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

2007-01-13 05:13:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous