Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your p--is is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

2007-01-12 22:00:46 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was sawing his new assistant in half, when:

she asked 'what happened to your old assistant'
he repiled 'she now lives in London and Liverpool!'

she has a worried look on her face:

what do you think funny?

2007-01-12 21:59:55 · 57 answers · asked by jon h 6

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.

"

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

2007-01-12 21:59:16 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 21:58:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."

Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"

Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"

Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

Bartender throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

2007-01-12 21:31:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

... a two seater Cessna crashed into a graveyard in North Tyrone. The death toll currently stands at 200 and government officials warn that this is likely to rise as digging continues..

2007-01-12 21:25:45 · 10 answers · asked by Mr. Fox 5

Riddles & Joke.

2007-01-12 21:00:29 · 18 answers · asked by subby 1

2007-01-12 20:54:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

you goof.. or do you try to hide under a shoe?

2007-01-12 20:22:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep smilin'.

2007-01-12 20:11:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

how much wood does a woodchuck chuck if woodchuck
could chuck wood?

2007-01-12 19:46:55 · 6 answers · asked by clevelandrocksgirl 3

I am shorter than a piece of string,
But longer than time itself.
I come out in the blooming Spring,
But only when the petals fall.

A lot of people disagree
With what they have forgot,
'Cause if you try to untangle me
You'll only make more knots,

You see?

I am invisible to the eye,
But you can see me if you try.
I am not God, nor Death, nor All;
I am your friend, if a little sly.

2007-01-12 19:45:44 · 14 answers · asked by responses_to_that_letter_i_wrote 1

2007-01-12 19:03:11 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

At one local church, Jack was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Jack. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Jack said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.

So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Jack did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".

Again the priest asked "Jack did you take any of the offering?" Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".

This time the priest yelled, "JACK DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"

Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".

By this time the priest was getting a little annoyed so he came out of the confessional and said, "Jack trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places and Jack asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here."

2007-01-12 18:56:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 18:32:43 · 17 answers · asked by ishybug03 4

a girl go to her mom funeral, she meets a cute boy...the next day her sister dies. why?

2007-01-12 18:14:31 · 10 answers · asked by cookies 1

The old man shook it and shook it and the old lady up with her dress and she took it.

This is old and clean so get your mind out of the gutter.

2007-01-12 17:48:45 · 7 answers · asked by punkywoman1972 2

Please do tell proper jokes, I have to write them for a school project

2007-01-12 17:29:26 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

i no the answer.simpley kindergarden stuff.solve it:

There was a man goin to St.Ives
and on the way
he met a man with 7 wives.
each wife held 7 sacks,
each sack held 7 cats.
each cat had 7 kittens.
kittens,cats,sacks,and wives,
how many going to St.Ives?

2007-01-12 17:19:59 · 18 answers · asked by Chris 2

my sub wrote this down once.VERY HARD!!!:

There is 1 word in the american language that every judge pronouces wrong.even supreme court.they try to stop,but they say its impossible.everyone pronouces it wrong.even god.that's shocking.what's the word?

2007-01-12 17:05:21 · 15 answers · asked by Chris 2

for a person who gives a lot of sensual jokes about u? mainly gay.

2007-01-12 16:53:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

"AFLAC can help you!"

ha ha ha....saw this in a classified ad! True, there is more, but just this little intro bit cracked me up!

Just picture that stupid duck....

Not really a question...but it kind of is, and if that doesn't crack you up, you are missing a funny bone.

2007-01-12 16:52:55 · 5 answers · asked by powhound 7

My friends and I are havin' a discussion on who is taller, dwarfs or migets. They all think migets are taller, but I heard dwarfs are the tall ones. Does any1 know and have proof as backup?

2007-01-12 16:43:14 · 3 answers · asked by Malachi 1

funny me

2007-01-12 16:29:27 · 13 answers · asked by ~emo~elf~ 1

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves...... she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,................

"Broccoli - .49 cents a pound!"

2007-01-12 16:27:40 · 18 answers · asked by Debontheweb 1

Did you fart?
Because you blew me away....

2007-01-12 16:19:56 · 12 answers · asked by W2D 2

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has
breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of
the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it
out
of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens
it
and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull
grey
suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS
agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."
**POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platers of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

2007-01-12 16:12:56 · 16 answers · asked by Debontheweb 1

What should I do now?

2007-01-12 16:00:03 · 8 answers · asked by Ducky 1

easy riddle , you get three points just for trying. and ten if your lucky

What force and strength cannot get through, I with a gentle touch can do.
And many in the street would stand, were I not a friend at hand.
What am I?

2007-01-12 15:58:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

2007-01-12 15:58:19 · 11 answers · asked by Mary 6