Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

elton john is writing a tribute song for saddam hussein. he is calling it "dangle in the wind"........(sorry peeps!!)

2007-01-12 10:26:44 · 14 answers · asked by trout 2

Occured in a pre school nativity play, a young Joseph stood next a little girl holding a Jesus doll. Next on were three youngsters bearing gifts, obviously the 3 wise men.
"Gold for the baby Jesus" said the first
"Myrrh for the baby Jesus" said the next.
The next boy looked uncomfortable, obviously not enjoying the experienced and thrust a package at 'Mary'.
"Frank sent this" he mumbled.

2007-01-12 10:16:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 10:04:10 · 11 answers · asked by cndnchop 2

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S h i t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

2007-01-12 10:00:26 · 26 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

the government took all the crazy pple in the city
and put them on a plane for a vaction
there only one on the plane that was not crazy was the pilot
all the pple were talking to themselves
and screaming
shouthing
so the pilot noticed a man
who was quiet
he said to him
can u plz give me some help here
i can not drive this plane with all this noise
can u plz make them shut up
so the man went back
and 5 min later
the plane was quiet
not any sounds
the man came back up to the pilot
and said
ok it is quiet
so the pilot said: what did u say to them to make them shut up

2007-01-12 09:57:54 · 9 answers · asked by sunshine090892 2

There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead.

After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone.

She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd can I take one home?"

The sheep herder said, "Sure!"

The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep."

The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! that is absoultly right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home."

The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car.

The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

2007-01-12 09:56:53 · 14 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

10 points to the first correct answer.

2007-01-12 09:56:21 · 25 answers · asked by bangles121 4

work with me)

she had heard that ghosts of past great presidents always come and give advice to all the new residents. so she stayed up and waited for them to come.

soon, the ghost of george washington appeared: she said" what should i do" the ghost replied, "never tell a lie"
she responded "hell no i cant do that"

that ghost left and a little while later the ghost of thomas jefferson appeared : the battalax asks..."what should i do"?

thomas jefferson tells her to "listen to the people"
she cries out "oh i could never do that!!!!!"

the ghost leaves and after a while the ghost of abe lincoln arrives...shillary repeats the question..."what should i do"?

abe replies "go to the theater"

2007-01-12 09:54:18 · 9 answers · asked by seans brother 1

New Saddam shirts for sale, bit tight on the collar but hang well..

2007-01-12 09:53:44 · 19 answers · asked by maddferit 2

2007-01-12 09:53:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the beautiful princess was walking through the woods when she came across a frog sitting on a lily pad.
"Good day to you," said the frog, "do not be alarmed, I am really a handsome prince who was turned into a frog by a wicked old witch. If you kiss me, I will turn back into my former self and we can live happily ever after...we'll get married and live in a mighty castle. You can set up home, learn to cook, wash my clothes and have my children."
Later that night, the princess sat down to a plate of frog's legs lightly sauteed in white wine and onions. She looked at it and smiled..."I don't f***in think so," she said! :)

2007-01-12 09:48:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

2007-01-12 09:47:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 09:46:34 · 9 answers · asked by wynesworld10000 2

2007-01-12 09:44:11 · 6 answers · asked by LENA 3

had invited a distinguished visitor from Soviet Russia to meet the workers. The man arrived and the factory management offered to give him a tour of the premises and he agreed disdainfully. They started off with the canteen. "What is this place?" he asked
"It's the canteen, people can come here for a hot meal during lunch time"
He snorted, "In Russia, Russian sandwiches, from the machine!"
"How long are the workers at lunch?" he asked.
"About forty five minutes to an hour" the management replied.
"In Russia, 20 minutes then back to work" he replied, not impressed.
They moved onto a tour of the workshop just as the horn went off for hometime.
"What is happening?" he asked, "They are escaping"
"It's 4.00pm - time to go home" was the answer.
"In Russia, workers work from 6.30 am to 6.30pm!" he replied.
"You won't get these lads doing that here" replied the manager.
"Why not?" asked the Russian.
"They are all communists" came the reply.

2007-01-12 09:43:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 09:37:31 · 17 answers · asked by Staks 1

"Welcome home, Speedy!" :) said the banner over the pub door as the intrepid explorer returned from his safari in darkest Africa. After a few pints, his crowd of well-wishers asked him to tell some of his more hair-raising stories.
Speedy sat back and began:
"There was this one day when I went out alone into the jungle and strayed into unknown territory. Suddenly I heard a loud roar behind me and turning round, I saw a huge lion ready to pounce. Well, I just ran for it. Luckily, just as it was about to get me, it slipped and I was able to run on. But next moment, he was breathing down my neck again.Then just as I thought it was curtains, he slipped again and I managed to run back into the camp."
Speedy's audience listened spellbound until a voice from the back remarked, "Bloody hell Speedy, if that had been me, I'd have sh*t my pants."
Speedy turned to the speaker and replied, "What do you think the lion kept slipping on?" :)

2007-01-12 09:36:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father was reviewing his son's report card one evening, and was distraught. His boy had all A's except for math, which he failed. He met with his teacher, then the principal, then after more follow up meetings, he decided to put the boy in a private school. Months passed, his report card arrived, and the same results appeared: All A's, but a failure in Math. The private school cost so much money, the father took him out of this school, and sent him to a very good school uptown. Again, the boy failed math, but had A's in everything else. Finally, he sent the boy off to a local Catholic School. When the first report card arrived, the father looked at it with just one eye open, holding his breath. Then he saw his son had all A's, including math! He said to his son: "Tell me, how were you able to do so well in math in this new school?" The boy turned white as a ghost when his father asked him the question. "Well, on the very first day of school, I walked into the hall and saw this guy nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they did not mess around!"

2007-01-12 09:35:14 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

2007-01-12 09:33:21 · 13 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

2007-01-12 09:30:49 · 6 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

2007-01-12 09:30:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the Soviet times, a teacher in Russia was teaching a class of small children about the world they live in. She pointed to a map of the Soviet Union and said:
"This is the Soviet Union. It is a worker's paradise where every man and woman has a job. They have decent housing, schools and healthcare. Everyone in the Soviet Union is happy."
She then pointed to a map of the US:
"This is the United States of America. Here workers sometimes cannot find work. Some people are so poor they don't have houses and even sleep in the gutter. They do not all have access to healthcare and as you can imagine, not everyone in the US is happy."
She then noticed a little girl crying her eyes out in the front row.
"Marina Petronovich, why are you crying?" she barked.
Marina rubbed at her eyes:
"I want to live in the Soviet Union...."

2007-01-12 09:29:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich."

The man brings his little dog to the talent scout's office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile," when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She (it's a *****) runs away with him in her mouth.

The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"

The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be on stage. She wants him to be a doctor."

2007-01-12 09:28:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep smiling.

2007-01-12 09:28:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what part of a cabbage shouldnt you eat?









the wheelchair!

and before the pc brigade start.the reason i started with "its only a joke" is cos my mates been in a chair for 20 yrs and actually laughed at this!!

2007-01-12 09:28:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns & leaves.
A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns & leaves.
Later that night, the mother decides to try it too. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first."

2007-01-12 09:25:35 · 7 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

Why did the chicken cross the road?........

2007-01-12 09:23:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged couple had drifted apart and the end of their marriage came on Friday night over a plate of fish and chips.

"It's no good Sonia, this marriage is a sham, I'm leaving you. I may be 57 years old but I've met a 19 year-old girl who wants to be with me and I want to be with her," said the husband proudly.

"Well, well, well," replied the wife scornfully. "She's welcome to you. By the way, I've met a gorgeous young man of 19 who goes for older women. I may be 57 as well but he says I've got the body of a 25 year-old. So stuff you, Bob, and just remember this...19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19!" :)

2007-01-12 09:15:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2007-01-12 09:13:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me any dumb blonde jokes They r so funny!

2007-01-12 09:04:33 · 9 answers · asked by ladybug 3