Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken was smiling contentedly and smoking a cigarette while the egg was looking depressed and tearful.
"Well, I suppose we answered that question," muttered the egg. :)
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A husband and wife got into a crowded lift and the wife was annoyed to see him pressing up against a beautiful blonde. All of a sudden, the blonde smacked him across the face, shouting. "How dare you pinch me!"
As the couple got out of the lift the shamed husband turned to his wife and said,
"I didn't pinch her, Brenda, you must believe me."
"I know you didn't," replied the wife.
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After the honeymoon, the husband brought his wife breakfast in bed. On the tray was fresh orange juice, cereal, bacon and egg, toast and coffee.
"Mmm, thank you darling," she said. "This looks lovely."
"Good," he replied, "because that's how I want it every morning."

(No way ladies, let him get his own!!! - start as you mean to go on :)

2007-01-12 09:00:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

2007-01-12 08:59:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

How To Stump An Accountant

Three weary travelers arrive at a hotel in Edmonton, and each pays $10 to the hotel owner for a one-night stay.

Q: How much did the guests pay in total?
A: 3 * $10 = $30

After the men had left the office, the owner thought to himself that he had charged them too much, so he called the porter into his office.

"I've overcharged the three men too much - here's $5. I want you to take it to them and give them a refund on their rooms."

The porter thought to himself that it would be difficult to split the $5 between the three men, so he decided to take a $2 tip for himself, then gave each of the hotel guests a dollar each between the three of them.

Q: With the refund, how much did the guests now pay in total?
A: 3 * $9 = $27

Q: So the total money involved was $27 plus the $2 for the porter tip = $29.
Where's the missing dollar gone?

2007-01-12 08:59:09 · 8 answers · asked by jmudrone 1

they can be serious, funnny, emotional, obvious.. you get the picture.. for example .. I will drink more water. I will get over him. I will be me- and love it!

2007-01-12 08:55:59 · 19 answers · asked by mandaaaaaaa 1

what colour is the blue blue sky what colour is the yellow yellow sun what colour is the green green grass whats the first thing i said

2007-01-12 08:53:21 · 48 answers · asked by smiley 4

2007-01-12 08:52:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they have no dental records and all the DNA is the same

2007-01-12 08:51:35 · 9 answers · asked by i am game 2

2 Tough Question



2 tough questions are you ready?

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the
response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the
response.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----




Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion
question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..

Never be afraid to try some thing new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals. ..built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?






It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

2007-01-12 08:51:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-12 08:45:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is Imp??? Cup or Coffee???



A group of alumni, highly established in their
careers, got together to visit their old university

professor. Conversation soon turned into
complaints about stress in work and life.



Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to
the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee

and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic,
glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive,
some exquisite – telling them to help themselves

to the coffee. When all the students had a cup of
coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all of the nice looking expensive
cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and

cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want
only the best for yourselves, that is the source of
your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup

itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases

it is just more expensive and in some cases even

hides what we drink. What all of you really

wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you
consciously went for the best cups... And then you
began eyeing each others' cups.



Now consider this:
Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in
society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and
contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not

define, nor change the quality of Life we live.



Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail
to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews

the coffee, not the cups.....
Enjoy your coffee!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything.

They just make the best of everything."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

2007-01-12 08:41:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now, when he goes for a pee, one leg stands up and the other sits down!

2007-01-12 08:40:14 · 20 answers · asked by dawleymouse 4

one day farmer brown went behind the barn,only to find his son dale jerking off vigirously behind it. "oh no," said farmer brown. "we need to find you a wife quickly. that next week dale got married. 2 weeks later, farmer brown went behind the barn to again find dale jerking off even harder. "what happened," said farmer brown.",i thought you had a wife." "i did," replyed dale,"but her arms got to tired."

2007-01-12 08:39:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"


"I am 78," said the man.


"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."


"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down." the man explained.


"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.


"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

2007-01-12 08:39:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man who built it, didn't want. The man who bought it didn't use it, and the man who used it didn't know it...what is it?

2007-01-12 08:38:39 · 12 answers · asked by IwntYrHd 4

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

2007-01-12 08:36:43 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

a husband and wife are planning a cruise for a week so the husband goes to his local pharmacy and buys a box of condoms and sea sickness pills, upon returning home his wife informs him that she changed the plans and now they are going on a cruise for TWO weeks. a couple days later the husband goes back to his local pharmacy and buys another box of condoms and more sea sickness pills. the pharmacist looked at him and said" if she is so ugly why do you keep on having sex with her?"

2007-01-12 08:36:03 · 17 answers · asked by i am game 2

You write on me and secrets I can keep;
In places never seen, I spin like a top;
Though stiff as a board, I'm often described like a mop.
What am I?

10 pt...,etc.

2007-01-12 08:35:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

2007-01-12 08:32:44 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Eternally I am 1 to 6,
eternallyI am 15 to 20,
I am always 5,
but I am never ever 21 unless I am flying,
what am I ???

10 pts 4 the 1st correct ans. I'll post it tomorrow.

2007-01-12 08:32:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

To have a "do"

To throw a party

To hold a ball

2007-01-12 08:31:52 · 12 answers · asked by Pete W 2

how do you recognise a blind man in a nudist colony?

well it aint hard mate

2007-01-12 08:28:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

have you ever seen an albino black sheep?

(giggle)

2007-01-12 08:27:29 · 11 answers · asked by lindsey 4

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

2007-01-12 08:23:42 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and, while he's nursing it, the monkey runs wild. It jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in its mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? It just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table."

"Yeh, well I hope it kills the little ****. He's been driving me nuts."

The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted ."Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it."

"Well, what did you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

2007-01-12 08:23:28 · 8 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Would I get out again alive?

How many glass fights this year so far?

How many teeth does the barman have left?

2007-01-12 08:21:25 · 29 answers · asked by mcfifi 6

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"!

2007-01-12 08:20:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

He thought they were a delivery service.

2007-01-12 08:12:03 · 10 answers · asked by spils 3

16 Signs that you Like Someone


SIXTEEN:

When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.


FIFTEEN:

You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.



FOURTEEN:

You walk really slow when you're with them.



THIRTEEN:

You feel shy whenever they're around.



ELEVEN:

When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.



TEN:

You smile when you hear their voice.



NINE:

When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.



EIGHT:

You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.



SEVEN:

They're all you think about.



SIX:

You get high just from their scent.



FIVE:

You relize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.



FOUR:

You would do anything for them, just to see them.



THREE:

While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.



TWO:

You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve was missing



ONE:

You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

2007-01-12 08:11:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

2007-01-12 08:07:23 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

What do you think when you hear somone say I am positive. Sorry I think this is funny its pretty much for people my age like13 through 16. So please no rude comments.

2007-01-12 08:02:05 · 16 answers · asked by A Friend Of The Band I Swear 2