Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-04 16:44:53 · 17 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

Their sequence does not matter.

2006-08-04 16:40:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Their sequence has no meaning in this riddle.

2006-08-04 16:38:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sequence of them doesn't matter.

2006-08-04 16:37:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 1 2 3 5 8 13

2006-08-04 16:29:56 · 18 answers · asked by Jacob B 2

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

2006-08-04 16:24:46 · 35 answers · asked by Romaneasca 3

i want everybody to make up a funny story/joke. whoever has the longest/funniest/creative story will get ten points!

2006-08-04 16:22:48 · 7 answers · asked by monkeyfirecracker 2

Knock Knock:

Who's There?

Dwayne:

Dwayne Who?

Dwayne!! The Bath!! I'm Dwowning!!!!!!

2006-08-04 16:20:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

u weld in the garage with no shoes on

2006-08-04 16:07:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

2006-08-04 16:02:32 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

An Ugly woman walks into a grocer shop with 2 kids, the guy behind the counter says " are they twins " the woman says " no, he is 7 and she is 5," " why do you think they look alike " the guy says " No, I can't beleive you got laid twice ". Rate it 1-10

2006-08-04 16:00:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS."

2006-08-04 15:37:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

2006-08-04 15:30:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone tell me a really really funny joke? I'll give ten points to the one who makes me laugh the hardest.

2006-08-04 15:29:46 · 14 answers · asked by RuneWitchSakura1988 4

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a-s-s and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

2006-08-04 15:27:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was at McDonald's and I said, I'd like a Whopper with cheese. The lady said she didn't have them. I said, oh you're still on breakfast food?

2006-08-04 15:25:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that many legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that employees have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from monitoring e-mail messages transmitted on company systems.

The case went to court after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor monitored his e-mail and intercepted a message from Lindsey to a colleague. The message read: "That little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She's moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be thrown out of the building. But don't worry — all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the knife."

Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting that a crime was in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police.

However, he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and sought punitive damages as well.

2006-08-04 15:24:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-04 15:21:21 · 17 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it."

With that she flipped him her pants and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee caps

"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your pants!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until you change your attitude!"

2006-08-04 15:18:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them.
If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners
understand: See the list below...

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Tough on the outside but tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence.
Older Okras can look back over life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds.
A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning.
In dealing with Chitlins, be careful, they may surprise you.
They can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.
You love to stay busy and tend to work too much.
No one in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here.
You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy.
You always have a big smile and are happy.
This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you.
You are a rare breed.
Most folks love to watch you work and play.
You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes, Collards, should stay away from Crawfish.
It just won't work.
Avoid a big heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You Catfish are never easy people to understand.
You run fast.
You work and play hard.
Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel though, so you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.
On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside.
A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects.
You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

2006-08-04 15:12:59 · 4 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

This morningmy mom was driving my family and I somewhere and then while she was driving,we had to stop at a red light.We were lost so my mom and her sister(they were sitting in front) asked this guy who was paying attention to the road to see when it'll be green light.Then my mom and her sister(my aunt) waved there hand to him but he didn't know because his window was closed.Then my mom honked her horn and he tried to open his window.But first he said hi.Probably he was thinking how come two beautiful ladies said hi to him.Then when he opened his window,my mom asked him for directions when it was already green light.Then somebody honked her.Then when he told us the directions, we drove away and my mom started laughing with my sister like crazy.He also had a funnylooking,nice smile.Even my grandma laughed and she usually doesn't laugh.So do you think that was funny or did you think it just bored you?

2006-08-04 15:02:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually as she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did a woman in a place they had never been know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a very revealing string bottom, took her sweet time walking toward them. And again, they couldn't help but stare.

Again she nodded at each of them, saying "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," as she passed by.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and called after her, "Just a minute young lady!"

"Yes, Father?" she said as she stopped and turned back.

"We are priests and are proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
The woman smiled, bent over a bit, and pulled off her sunglasses.

"Father," she said in a purr, "don't you recognize me? It's me -- Sister Katherine!"

2006-08-04 14:55:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-04 14:55:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?" he says. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

2006-08-04 14:46:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you do if you are riding a horse and there's a steep cliff to your right, an elephant running your left at the same speed, a kangaroo hopping ahead of you at the same speed, and a lion chasing behind you at the same speed?

(Yes, there is a correct answer! Be the first one to be the lucky one!) :-)

2006-08-04 14:46:18 · 10 answers · asked by Beck 4

Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,
Saddam Hussein

2006-08-04 14:29:24 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Civilization is just a slow process of freaking learning to be kind!

Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important. Please send it to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your penis/vagina, DO NOT show them your penis/vagina. This is a scam; they just want to see your penis/vagina. Nothing more.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-04 14:28:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

2006-08-04 14:22:58 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Artificial Intelligence beats real fugging stupidity!

"How are you feeling today, Little Johnny?" asked Suzy.

"I'm not feeling too good today, Suzy, and exhausted," replied Johnny. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," commented Suzy.

Little Johnny yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times a night."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-04 14:20:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!

2006-08-04 14:19:11 · 11 answers · asked by Woody 3