Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-04 09:56:31 · 13 answers · asked by jackie 6

A man finally put his 90-year-old mother in the nursing home.

A week later, he came for a visit and asked the staff how she was doing.

"We think she has a problem with balance. Every few minutes, she starts leaning over in her chair, so we have to straighten her back up."

The man is a bit suprised, but thinks nothing more of it and goes to see his mother, and asks her how she likes the new place.

"I hate it! They never let you fart around here!"

2006-08-04 09:53:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

went to a dance with his ex-girlfriends mom, and his ex-girlfriend was his new step-sister, would that mean that his was relle going out with his mom? idk just a question that was on my mind

2006-08-04 09:50:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK?"

2006-08-04 09:50:00 · 43 answers · asked by Redbuddafly 2

On a hot summer day, two nuns (both young, blonde and beautiful) are working in the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door.

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says, and opens the door.

"Wow!" says the blind man, "Nice boobs! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

2006-08-04 09:41:02 · 6 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-08-04 09:39:22 · 10 answers · asked by pam s 2

Q. How do I know of I’m ready for sex?
A. Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact

Q. Should I have sex on the 1st date?
A. Yes. Before if possible

Q. What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A. Again, this is entirely up to the man. Just remember what you must do whatever he tells you without question. He may ask you to do certain thing that may at 1st seem strange to you. Do them anyway

Q. How long should sex last?
A. This is a natural or normal part of nature; so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, go out with his buddies to a pool hall or a really sleazy bar and get drunk

Q. What is afterplay?
A. After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities such as lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift

Q. Does the size of his p-e-n-I-s matter?
A. Yes. Although many women believe the quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male p-e-n-I-s measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare. If by some chance your lovers sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars. Do everything to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift

Q. What about the female orgasm?
A. What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth

2006-08-04 09:38:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-04 09:33:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

2006-08-04 09:32:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know some of you have somthin good :)

2006-08-04 09:32:05 · 5 answers · asked by Ryan 2

Whoever tells me the best joke gets 10 pts.

2006-08-04 09:30:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Motherless , Fatherless
born without skin,
comes to life screaming,
and never screams again


What is it

2006-08-04 09:29:14 · 9 answers · asked by zeuster2 3

I like
http://www.niggermania.com
http://www.solargeneral.com/library/humor.php
the below humor pages
http://www.resist.com

2006-08-04 09:27:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number and the beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Silly message or just plain stupid?
1-10
SmileyCat : )

2006-08-04 09:19:21 · 7 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

2006-08-04 09:09:00 · 58 answers · asked by Alien 1

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/meat-cake.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/most-expensive-cars.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/weird-sea-creature.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mel-gibson-partying.html

2006-08-04 09:07:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Vampires

Three vampires go to a bar. The bar tender asks them what they wanted to drink. The first vampire orders a glass of blood. The second vampire orders a glass of blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first two vampires ask the third: "why didn't you order a glass of blood as usual?" The third vampire tells to wait and see. As the bartender brings the two glasss of blood and the cup of hot water the third vampire takes a used tampon and says: "It's teatime!"

O.k. How gross was that? Did you laugh or just say "Awe Gross"?

SmileyCat : )

2006-08-04 09:06:27 · 17 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

HELP!Im just bored

2006-08-04 09:06:11 · 9 answers · asked by Miley Cyrus! 2

In the basement there are 3 light switches in the off position. Each switch controls 1 of 3 light bulbs on the floor above. You may move any of the switches, but you may only go up stairs one time. How can you determine which switch controls each light?

You can olny use one switch at a time....but all seperately if you want too

2006-08-04 09:01:39 · 4 answers · asked by luvins4me 3

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."

So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"

God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."

The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"

God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."

The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"

God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"

Welp...did yha chuckle in yer chair?
Make me laugh now!

SmileyCat : )

2006-08-04 08:58:12 · 6 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

The Birds and the Bees Modern Version
> > >
> > >
> > > A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
> > > The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
> findout anyway!"
> > > You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
> I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
> sneaked
> Into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your
> Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
> > > As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
> of ushad used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
> button,
> Nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
> > > "You've Got Male"

2006-08-04 08:57:24 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

the more i study
the more i know
the more i know
i more i forget
the more i forget
the less i know
so why study?

2006-08-04 08:55:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-04 08:49:15 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

hahaha! Well? Did you hahaha too? Best comment scores the big SmileyCat Points!!

2006-08-04 08:48:36 · 6 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

1. Do you use your underwear and throw them away?

2. Do you use the European method of left hand clean it off and then wash?

3. Do you simply forget about it and sit in a close cheek position at work?

4. Do you take a plastic bag out of the trash can and wear them like diapers?

2006-08-04 08:45:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man
--------------------------------

Board

2006-08-04 08:42:20 · 7 answers · asked by luvins4me 3

r/e/a/d/i/n/g

2006-08-04 08:41:21 · 11 answers · asked by luvins4me 3

I am about to leav for work and know it's going to be a sh**** day. Whoever has the best dirty joke gets 10 points.

2006-08-04 08:33:12 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!

2006-08-04 08:29:04 · 6 answers · asked by Princess J 1

2006-08-04 08:29:01 · 28 answers · asked by ? 6