In the next 30 minutes, can anyone tell me a good dirty joke?

Question

I am about to leav for work and know it's going to be a sh**** day. Whoever has the best dirty joke gets 10 points.

Answer 1

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that ****". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.


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Answer 2

what does a 90 year old woman have between her breasts that a 30 year old woman doesn't?

her knees

Bill and Mary decide to get it on in the nursing home. They decide to meet up in the broom closet. So they start getting undressed and Mary decides she should warn Bill about her heart condition, so he'll take it easy.

'Bill, I must warn you , I have acute angina' says Mary
Bill says 'that's good, cos those are the ugliest breasts I've ever seen!!'

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Answer 3

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife opt 4 vanilla."
The dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says"What do you want fat head?"The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him the head and call him fat head?"
The husband said, "There are 3 things in life a man wants:The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nicebig truck sitting there (outside) that's mine!!!The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house and i got one on the edge of town? The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pu*sy,and I had that until this fat head came along!!!"

Answer 4

once there was a boy at school and he asked if he could go to the bathroom and the teacher said "what is your name"
the boy said "booty itch"and the teacher said "tell me or your name or go to the principal,he said the same thing and the teacher sent him to the principal. the principal asked the same thing and he said"booty itch"he said I'm calling your mom and when the mom came they were walking to the car and a garbage truck man hit the boy and the mother cried"oh my poor booty itch" and the garbage man said "then scratch it". I love this joke but there is a nother version but it's too bad to be put on here.

Answer 5

Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to
quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

Answer 6

Boy sees his mom in the shower and he points to her private area, and asks"whats that" and she says thats my wash rag so the little boy goes off to play, the next day he see's his mom in the shower again, and points to her private area, and says you are right mommy that is a wash rag cause I seen the babysitter washing Daddy's face with it last night.

Answer 7

I ran into my friend Jamal the other day. I said hello to him and ask how Jamal had been.
He replied, "you don't have to call me jamal no more, you can call me Lucky"
I ask, "Oh?"
And he said, "you know that big fire on the top of that building the other day? Well I was in it!"
"My!", I said, "that certainly is Lucky." And we both went our separate ways.

A week or two later I see him again and say "Hello Lucky!"
And he say, "You don't have to call me Lucky, you can call me Lucky Lucky!
"Remember that airplane that crash outside of town last week?" he told me,"Well I was on it!"
Amazed I told him that is very lucky, and again we went our different ways.

Well about a week later I saw my friend again. "So how is Lucky Lucky doing now?", I asked.
"Well you don't have to call me Lucky Lucky, you can call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!"
"Oh? And why is that?", I queried.
"Well the other day I was making love with my girlfriend and in walks her husband and shoots me in the butt." he said.
" Does not sound too lucky to me", I replied.
"Oh but it was!" he told me, "Five minutes earlier and he'd have blown my head clean off!"

Hope you enjoyed it.

Answer 8

there was an old virgin. she had an itch down there and went to see the doctor. the first doctor said ''you have crabs ma'am'' the old woman couldnt think it was possibly because she never had sex and didnt understand how it could be passed on to her. she decided to go see another doctor for a second opinion. he came out with her test results he said ''goods news! you dont have crabs! but bad news they are fruit flies...your cherry has rotted out.''


GROSSS

Answer 9

Two newborn babies are in the hospital nursery. The first one is a little boy and he says to the other one, "Hey, are you a boy or a girl?"

The other one says, "I don't know..."

The little boy says, "What do you mean, you don't know???"

The other one says, "I don't even know how to check."

The little boy says, "Hold on a sec..." and he climbs up out of his crib into the other one's crib and gets down under the blanket and starts digging around down there. There's a lot of rustling and groaning going on and he pops his head out and announces, "YOU'RE A GIRL!"

"WOW" says the little girl in pure amazement, "How'd you find out?"




"That's easy," says the little boy, "you're wearing PINK socks and I'm wearing BLUE"

Answer 10

An elderly couple are sitting on the porch one afternoon. Suddenly the old woman smacks her husband on the back of the head so hard he falls out of his chair, he gets up, sits back down and asks, "What the hell was that for?!" She replies, "That's for 60 years of bad sex!" The husband rears back and smacks his wife on the back of the head knocking her out of her chair. She gets up, sits back down and asks, "Well, what the hell was that for?" He replies, "For knowing the difference!"