I really need to laugh....?

Question

Whoever tells me the best joke gets 10 pts.

Answer 1

three drunks are sitting around a table, talking about their weekend.
Drunk 1 : I was so drunk, I lock myself IN my house.

Drunk 2 : I was so drunk, I tried to fly off the roof of my trailer with an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Drunk 3: I was so drunk, I blew chunks.

Drunk 1: Dude, we ALL blew chunks.

Drunk 3: Chunks is my dog.

Answer 2

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Answer 3

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Answer 4

okay. one day there were 3 guys standing on top of a building. the first one had a knife, the second one had a brick, and the third one had a bomb. the first guy walked up to the end of the building and dropped the knife. when he came down. there was a little girl crying. the man asked why she was crying. her respons was " someone dropped a knife off this buliding and killd my dog! the man said he was sorry for her loss and walked away. then, the second guy walked to the end of the building and dropped the brick. when he came down, he saw a littl boy crying. he asked the little boy why he was crying. he respons was " someone dropped a brick off this building and hurt my mom! " the man apologized and walked away. then, the third guy walked to the end of the builiding and dropped the bomb. when he came down, he saw a old lady laughing. he walks over to the old lady and asks why shes laughing. her respons was " i farted and that building blew up!"

haha just a funny laugh. pick me! that sounds like the best one so far!

Answer 5

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Answer 6

Fun with SmileyCat Called: Little piece of paper in a man's pocket- Ready?
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning
coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in
your pants
pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said,
furious. "You had
better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was
at the dog
track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."

And hey Fredomfryonu...Welcome to Yahoo Answers..
feel free to grab some laughs and some easy points on my site anytime.
And if you ever need any jokes to laugh at or to post...
check out what's in my favorite file...See yha!

SmileyCat : )

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/...

http://www.top20fun.com/

http://www.top20fun.com/fishing_jokes/...

http://www.jokes.net/jokesdirectory.htm...

http://www.theweeklygiggle.com/links/fre...

http://www.guzer.com/jokes/jokes.php...

Answer 7

Why are men like parking spaces?

Cuz the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!

(sorry guys, just a joke)

Answer 8

really want a luagh?
grab a turd out of the toilet, run outside and pitch it at the 1st sorry mother f***er u see!

Answer 9

if you want to laugh try looking in a mirror

Answer 10

what made the tomato blush?

he saw the salad dressing