Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-04 04:04:15 · 10 answers · asked by Steveh 3

I don´t get it can somebody tell me what it is supposed to be saying

2006-08-04 03:59:31 · 7 answers · asked by buyaksha 3

ONE POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and
grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in
"the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead; repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you

hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each

biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with
that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over
his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) Don't use any punctuation marks at all in your e-mails.
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address y ou by your wrestling name, Rock Hard
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

2006-08-04 03:55:45 · 26 answers · asked by derek k 1

PLEASE DO THIS STEP BY STEP AND DO NOT CHEAT.


MANY THANKS


YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH





DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!





It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have
chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)












2. Multiply this number by 2 (go on)












3. Add 5 (carry on scrolling down)















4. Multiply it by 50 (By now you should use a calculator)















5. If you have already had your birthday this year Add 1756 ....
If you haven't then


Add 1755..
















6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born from the amount
you have.













You should have a three digit number












The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).













The next two numbers are












YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!

2006-08-04 03:55:21 · 23 answers · asked by elehw_20 2

2006-08-04 03:50:09 · 28 answers · asked by Trentanol 2

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

2006-08-04 03:46:28 · 8 answers · asked by hinsdalesprit 3

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

2006-08-04 03:43:05 · 22 answers · asked by derek k 1

backpack and a puppy popped out that can talk, you know like scrappy doo.

2006-08-04 03:41:10 · 10 answers · asked by Sonny M 3

2006-08-04 03:37:35 · 6 answers · asked by SwEeThEaRt 1

2006-08-04 03:36:42 · 13 answers · asked by Steveh 3

Its like being strangled by a really weak person .... ALL ******* DAY!




(-mitch hedburg)

2006-08-04 03:36:36 · 5 answers · asked by BringBackTheBeats 2

can u tell me a good joke or two..plz no dirty jokes..

2006-08-04 03:32:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anubhav~~!! 3

The instructions says it only works out one arm. How do I get a workout for the whole body?

2006-08-04 03:31:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you can say anything that makes me laugh.

2006-08-04 03:31:14 · 13 answers · asked by shortgirl 3

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and
start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control
panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete"

2006-08-04 03:24:35 · 10 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

Apparently, some prick cut her off!

2006-08-04 03:24:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-04 03:20:26 · 9 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

IF YOUR TRAPPED NAKED IN A HOUSE WITH 4 WALLS AND A ROOF, NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS AND YOU ONLY HAVE A TABLE AND A MIRROR. HOW DO YOU GET OUT?

2006-08-04 03:00:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Palace I was, and a Palace I am, but no orders do I decree.
No Queen did I house, for only men did rule, during times of grief and struggle.
My shell has openings that welcomed friends, and attempted to dispel our foes.
Some say there was truth I had 10,000 rooms, all heavenly and divine throughout.
But unlike this myth there is a fact that I am divided into two.
My southern part is a lesser court, presenting a harmony supreme, whilst the inner court, which is to the north, contained my royal family.


What am I?

2006-08-04 02:51:49 · 5 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

Answer in 3min. if no knows this one.

2006-08-04 02:51:18 · 5 answers · asked by drewwers 3

who ever has a joke that makes me laugh will get 10 points

2006-08-04 02:50:07 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

get brain freeze? Me and a friend always have competitions to see who could finish an ice cream cone the fastest, so we get lotsa brain freeze.

2006-08-04 02:43:13 · 11 answers · asked by Fiesty Redhead 2

A good one. The one thats makes me laugh will get the $$$ (in the form of ten points!)
Impress me.

2006-08-04 02:36:56 · 17 answers · asked by Jigga 3

DOn't you want to SCREAM REAL LOUD????

Pick a word and SCREAM IT !!!!

2006-08-04 02:30:50 · 26 answers · asked by Funnyaccountant 4

2006-08-04 02:27:58 · 14 answers · asked by pratham_not_edna 3

:-)

2006-08-04 02:24:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the most wicked burn you've ever used on someone?

2006-08-04 02:22:06 · 20 answers · asked by Fiesty Redhead 2

2006-08-04 02:08:41 · 9 answers · asked by toriisen 2

A man walks in to his psychiatrists office wearing nothing but shrink wrap.

His psychiatrist looks up as the man is entering and says " I can clearly see you're nuts "


Got this from here the other day but lmao. do you like it?

2006-08-04 02:06:46 · 19 answers · asked by drewwers 3

im sooooo bored make me laugh tell me a joke please??!!!

2006-08-04 01:56:14 · 13 answers · asked by Sasha 2