Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

because she kept putting tip-ex on the screen.

2006-08-03 21:54:55 · 9 answers · asked by Kelly 5

"that's a lovely bull dog you have got there"
the friend replies-
"it's not a bull dog, it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall."

2006-08-03 21:53:07 · 8 answers · asked by Kelly 5

something in between a mister and a mattress.

2006-08-03 21:48:59 · 8 answers · asked by Kelly 5

and asks the seargent if any lunatics have escaped from jail recently.
the seargent says there hasn't but asks the man why he would ask.
the man replies "because someone has ran off with my wife."

2006-08-03 21:46:20 · 15 answers · asked by Kelly 5

a blonde goes to pizza hut and orders a pizza.
the waiter asks her if she wants the pizza cut into 6 slices or 12.
the blonde replies "oh..6 slices please, i would never eat 12."

2006-08-03 21:40:37 · 19 answers · asked by Kelly 5

2006-08-03 21:37:06 · 21 answers · asked by Kelly 5

In Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)
4. Pope Died (again)

Moral of the story -
In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry....

2006-08-03 21:27:50 · 5 answers · asked by Happy Alf 3

2006-08-03 21:20:03 · 11 answers · asked by Coffee-Infused Insomniac 2

2006-08-03 21:17:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

AND

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

2006-08-03 21:16:18 · 3 answers · asked by ? 6

in a sexilly way

2006-08-03 21:10:57 · 9 answers · asked by nikki 1

Why do men like smart women?
...Opposites attract.



Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
...Because after 20 seconds they forget what happened!



Why are dumb blonde jokes usually short?
...So men can understand them.


Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
...To stop the snoring before it starts!



How do men define a
"50/50" relationship?
...We cook - they eat.
We clean - they dirty



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
...Make him wear shoes!


What's the smartest thing a man can say?
..."My wife says..."




Why do women live longer than men?
...Someone has to stick around and clean up after them!




Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
...He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman
you can rearrange his face.




Why is psychoanalysis a lot easier for men than for women?
...Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there!


Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
...Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.




What did God say after creating man?
...Hmm, I can do better!

2006-08-03 21:06:02 · 12 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

2006-08-03 20:57:42 · 17 answers · asked by maxvijay2003 3

just asking just for fun..

2006-08-03 20:47:12 · 14 answers · asked by Deadcell 1

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work"
the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"But you're naked!" exclaimed the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress!
It makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be
home from work any minute." said the daughter-in-law.

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"You should've ironed it!" said her husband.

2006-08-03 20:42:05 · 27 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

Tequila.

2006-08-03 20:40:34 · 20 answers · asked by Kango Man 5

2006-08-03 20:35:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does the frog turns into prince charming?

Have you ever try to kiss a frog and see if it turns into your prince charming?

If not, what happen instead?

2006-08-03 20:27:36 · 52 answers · asked by ? 5

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects intinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers,"Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."


:)

2006-08-03 20:24:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?

2006-08-03 20:14:35 · 19 answers · asked by It's~All~Eyez~On~Me 2

they are woken up by a knocking at the door, the wife nudges her husband "George the door"
He looks at the clock "Its 3.30am! I'm not getting up"
"It could be important" she says
Begrudgingly he gets up puts his trousers on and looks for his shoes all the while the knocking is continuous. He goes downstairs turns the porch light on opens the door and finds a man, obviously drunk swaying from side to side. "Can u give me a push?" he slurs.
"No its 3.30 in the morning get lost!" he closes the door goes back upstairs gets undressed and gets into bed" Who was it?" his wife asks
"Some drunk wanting a push. I told him to get lost"
"That’s not very Christian of you! Do you remember last Christmas when our car broke down at midnight in the middle of the country and that farmer came out and helped us push the car until it started?! Where would we have been if he had said get lost?!"
Knowing he would never hear the end of it he got up got dressed and went downstairs he opened the door it was cold and foggy "Hello" he called "are you still there?"
"Yes" the drunk called back from the fog
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes"
"Where are you?"
"Over here on your swing!!!'

2006-08-03 20:10:07 · 33 answers · asked by Sherry Baby ( Ethan's Mama ) 6

How can i communicate with the cockroaches in my house ???
I have tried everything but all they do is stare at me all the time...i guess they r plain DUMB......
How can i talk to them??

2006-08-03 20:02:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-03 19:57:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2006-08-03 19:48:55 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"

2006-08-03 19:45:57 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man entered a train carrying 5 babies........ A lady in the same compartment gets curious and asks him "Are they all yours, where is their mother?". The man replies "Not mine, I work in a Condom factory and these are customer complaints!!"

2006-08-03 19:37:15 · 14 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

Where do they keep BABy criminals ??? I have to rescue all the babies and recruit them for my ARMy..!!!...Any idea???

2006-08-03 19:33:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please??

=)

2006-08-03 19:32:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time we had this following riddle:

Why do dogs chase their tails?
A: They are trying to make ends meet!

^_^ And now for today's riddle:

What kind of story can you write with a broken pencil?

Good luck!

2006-08-03 19:31:11 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to
help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start
tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored, "Break my arms."

2006-08-03 19:25:41 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7