please make me laugh..?

Question

can u tell me a good joke or two..plz no dirty jokes..

Answer 1

How is this: George W. Bush

Answer 2

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ***. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Answer 3

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Answer 4

There was this bus full of ugly people that got in a wreck and all the people died and went to heaven.

When they got to the pearly gates, Peter told all of them they had 1 wish before they walked through the pearly gates because they had such a rough life being ugly.

So the first guys wish was to be handsome. The second guy wanted to be gorgeous. He got through half the line and everybody wanted to either be pretty or handsome.

As he got to the end of the line, the last guy in line was just laughing his head off.

Peter finally got to the last person and said , Whats your wish, and whats so funny, and the guy said , "I wish everybody was ugly again." hehehehehe

Answer 5

THIS IS A GOOD ONE! GAMBLING BLONDE
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ... and bet Twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby .... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down .... and squealed ... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
Moral –
- Not all Southerners are stupid.
- Not all blondes are dumb.
- But all men.......are men.

Answer 6

Not a joke, but a recent news report. If this doesn't put a smile on your face, you deserve to be beaten severely with a scabby cat.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1937986.html?menu=
(Oh, ok: What do you call a fly with no wings?
- A walk.
No wings & no legs? - A sit)

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

are u from japan?sorry no dirty jokes

Answer 9

Yo Momma is so stupid, she thinks Square Roots are Vegetables

Answer 10

Why did the blonde tiptoe by the medicine chest?