anything funny?

Question

i want everybody to make up a funny story/joke. whoever has the longest/funniest/creative story will get ten points!

Answer 1

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a ,lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

Answer 2

A woman went into a bar. The man she sat next to at the bar would take a drink, swallow a pill, get up and jump out the 10th story window, fly around, come back in, take a drink, swallow a pill, jump out the window and fly around in the air and come back. After he did this several times, the woman in amazement said, what kind of pill is that? The man said, it's a magic pill. The woman asked if she could have one and the man gave her one. She had a drink, took the pill and jumped out the window and fell ten stories to her death. The bartender looked at the man and said, you sure get mean when you drink, Superman.

Answer 3

SAKURA WANTS HER DAMN CHOCOLATE NOW!

There were two girls - Sakura and Aliira. They were best friends. Aliira is a demon slayer, daughter of Van Helsing and all. Aliira's mother was a vampire and Dracula's sister, thereby making Dracula her Uncle. Well when Sakura found this out she made up the nickname Uncle Draky-Poo. Needless to say, Dracula was not a happy master vampire.

So one day while he and Van Helsing were visiting Aliira he stole Sakura's chocolate. Stealing Sakura's chocolate, as Dracula found out, was not the brightest thing to do. Normally calm and collected, Sakura was a total sweetheart and not always to smart. That is of course, until her chocolate is stolen. You see, when Sakura's chocolate is stolen, she turns into a hulk-like creature. When she is in this hulk-like creature state, the only thing that will calm her down from a raging, psychopathic hulk-like monster is the return of her chocolate...well actually any chocolate will do, but she really likes it when you return her chocolate.

Now, Aliira hates it when Sakura gets like this, she is after all a demon slayer and doesn't want the church to order her to destroy her best friend. (Because then she'd tell them to go f*** themselves, and we know the church doesn't like being talked to like that.) So imagine, how Aliira must feel when she walks into the room, and there is a hulk-like Sakura staring in pure rage at her Uncle who has her chocolate bar in his fangs. She's not very happy. And a not very happy Aliira equals a not very happy Dracula.

"Uncle Draky-Poo!" she exclaims, "Did you take Sakura's chocolate!? You moron!" Before Draky-Poo (*glare from Dracula*) - sorry - Dracula could reply, Van Helsing walks into the room and stares at Sakura for a few seconds.

"Well, s***" He says before fainting. Dracula rolls his eyes. Aliira rolls her eyes. Sakura is still pissed in hulk-like creature form and doesn't just want her chocolate, she wants her DAMN CHOCOLATE NOW! A growl from Sakura and a strange ear-piercing girly scream from Dracula later Aliira is behind Dracula and pounding on the back of his head.

"Spit it out, you bloody idiot, before she kills you, because if she kills you then I'm gonna resurect you so I can kill you, so SPIT THE DAMN CHOCOLATE OUT NOW DIPSHIT!" Aliira screams, still beating Draky-Poo on the back of the head. With a final loud SMACK to his head, the chocolate comes out from Dracula's fangs and fly's into Sakura's hands.

Hulk-like Sakura instantly transforms back into calm, collected, and sweet Sakura, rips the paper of the chocolate bar and takes a bite. She chews and swallows, then asks a question.

"Why does my chocolate bar taste like blood?"

Answer 4

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 5

AOL Search the Web:

Answer 6

once i had this dream where a crow came to me and said "your aunt will die in one week." i was concerned, so i immediately told my mother. she told me to quit acting so foolish. a few months later the crow came to me again and said "your father will drop dead in one week." this time i was teriffied, i told y father but he wouldn't believe me. When a week had passed, i woke up early in the morning and rushed to my parents bedroom, to find my dad still alive. He was okay for te rest of the day. but when i went to leave the house for an errand, i found our mailman dead on our front porch.

Answer 7

yea ur face...its like u hav no nose