Jokes Anyone?

Question

Can anyone tell me a really really funny joke? I'll give ten points to the one who makes me laugh the hardest.

Answer 1

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 2

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with his really hot girl in his office, but she was dating someone. One day eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give u $100 if u let me have sex with u." The girl said "no." He said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, u bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. He says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast...he won't even be able to get his pants down. She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over 30 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Answer 3

A Young Preacher came to preach in the Town Church,
He had a remarkable resembance to "Conway Twitty" The Country Singer,

He decided to go around and visit all the people who had not been to church lately,

He called on an elderly woman and when she opened the door,
she said " Conway Twitty" He said I'm sorry no,
I am the new preacher.

This went on for a while door after door,

Untill he came to a young widows place,
she was having a shower and when she heard the knock,
she just wrapped a towel around her and opened up the door,
when she saw who it was she shouted " Conway Twitty ",
and threw her arms up in the air,
which made the towel drop down,

and the preacher said.......

'HELLO DARLIN'

Answer 4

Boudreaux the Baptist



Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You w uz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

Answer 5

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road. He approaches the blonde female driver. "Ma'am, is there any reason that you're weaving all over the road"?The woman replied "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here"!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree a tree in front of me. I swerved to the left and ther was another tree so I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me"! Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, ma'am......that's your air freshener.

Answer 6

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Answer 7

tom had been in the liquor business for two years,he finally gets sick of the stress,,so he quits his job and buys a 50 acres of land in alaska as far from humanity as possible. he sees the postman once a week,and groceries once a month,,otherwise its total piece and quite..after six month of almost total isolation someone knocks on his door,he opens it and a huge bearded man was standing there,, my names lars,your neighbour from 40 miles down the road...having a christmas party friday night,,thought you might want to come,around 5 oclock,,,, great! i'll be there after six month i'am ready to meet some local folks ,,thanks,,,,as lars is leaving ,he stops, gotta warn you,,,,,there will be some drinking,,not a problem says tom,,after 25 years in the business i can drink with the best of 'em;,,,,again the big man starts to leave,,and stops,,,more ' n' likely gonna be some fighting too,,,well i get along with people, i'll be ok,,,thanks again,, i'll be there,,,more ' n' likely,, there will be wild sex too,, now thats not a problem says tom ...warming to the idea,,i've been alone six month,, i'll definitely be there,,,,by the way,,,what should i wear?,,,don't much matter ....just gonna be the two of us,

Answer 8

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a ***** told you I was speeding, too.

And here's a wicked funny video. Watch it to the end.

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=332

Answer 9

26 Useless Body Parts of Men

1 - Adam's apple that can't be eaten
20 - nails that can't be hammered
2 - nipples without milk
2 - eggs that cannot be cooked and
1 - bird that cannot fly! heheheh

Answer 10

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.