Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-09 03:34:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the Golden Gates he saw a lot of clocks. He asked one of the angels what were they for. The angel replied that everytime you lie the clock turns one minute. He said that Abraham Lincolns clock has only went around twice and Sister Mary's hasnt been around at all. The man who died said where's pres. Bush's clock. and the angel replied "its in Jesus' office, he's keeping it as a ceiling fan.

You get it? Bush lies so much that his clock goes around so fast it can be a cieling fan?

2006-08-09 03:33:48 · 6 answers · asked by CrazyBoy 2

Goose, Hippo and Mrs Pilkinton are all very very excited. Their best friend Sarah has invited them to a party.
The are all really looking forward to it. There should be cake, pie, pop and if the last party is anything to go by, probably some gusset munching.

Now, what should they take as a present?

2006-08-09 03:28:12 · 7 answers · asked by markhatter 6

if you cannot tolerate then please dont read further

if god puts a condition that to enter heaven the ghost of johnny cochran would have to judge a case filed by all muslims and the pigs against george bush.

what do you think wold be the verdict and why

2006-08-09 03:20:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-09 03:16:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Silly old Goose, he's such a funny one. One day he's happily baking cakes with Hippo and the next day he sneaking off down to the river to sniff glue with the swans.

Mrs Pilkinton just doesn't seem able to keep him out of trouble!

Should Hippo step in and beat the crap out of him?

2006-08-09 03:01:35 · 8 answers · asked by markhatter 6

Whats hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a "t" and includes the letters "u" and "n"?

2006-08-09 03:01:12 · 25 answers · asked by sammi 6

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old
fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than
twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange
tree".

---______________________________________________---

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and
held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we
agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but
when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

_____________________________________________________

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

_____________________________________________________

"I

2006-08-09 02:58:37 · 9 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

what's black on the outside and yellow on the inside?

2006-08-09 02:56:36 · 14 answers · asked by chiefslapaho 3

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to saftley get out of this highly dangerous situation? Think for a minute..........Give up?



Get your drunk a*s off the merry go round!

2006-08-09 02:52:45 · 19 answers · asked by e_deckwa 5

Tell me the prank and how funny it was and tell how much trouble you were in.

2006-08-09 02:51:53 · 9 answers · asked by Brandon 2

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm
together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good
at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear
sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do
it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So
when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should
plant the potatoes."

2006-08-09 02:51:04 · 20 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

when you go to the restaurant, what will u say to the waiter/waitress?
1. Can i have (the chest of the chicken) or (chicken breast) please?
2. Can i have (caviar) or (fish eggs) please?
3. When you want to do a toast? Cheers or up yours?

2006-08-09 02:48:09 · 25 answers · asked by NR 2

When you think of women, think of sports balls.

At age 18, she is a football: 22 men after her.
At age 28, she is a hockey puck: 8 men going after her.
At age 38, she is a golf ball: 1 man going after her.

At age 48, she is a ping pong ball: 2 men pushing at each other.

Rate this from 1 to 10. If you have something to say that is not about this joke, i recommend you do not say it.

Thx,
Jake

Source: free-jokes-online.com

2006-08-09 02:43:56 · 16 answers · asked by Jake 2

A new leg. He said it wasn't the main present just a stocking filler.

2006-08-09 02:36:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was way too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't!


So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and yet again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled, tipped his hat, and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was pretty good friends."

2006-08-09 02:29:49 · 19 answers · asked by texasgirl5454312 6

Hi, I have put some jokes and other stuff on my personal website. Check it out and give me some feedback.

http://www.geocities.com/johncena_yo23/

For the time being here are a couple of jokes.


JACK AND JILL

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure.

Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation, oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In simple English what does this translate to????


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after!

2006-08-09 02:29:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u plz tell me the meaning of redhead or redneck... ummm whatever it is.
Please don't be rude

2006-08-09 02:21:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

is this correct? Rachelle ann go went to the market!!!

2006-08-09 01:58:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

when u felt u r grossed

2006-08-09 01:42:49 · 8 answers · asked by Linda 1

what was the reason ?

2006-08-09 01:37:40 · 4 answers · asked by Linda 1

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.

"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-09 01:15:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-09 01:14:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

sort of went beautiful intelligent talented etc etc

2006-08-09 01:13:03 · 12 answers · asked by sandfroguk 1

2006-08-09 01:12:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

could do with a laugh and a bit of a giggle, anyone got any funny stories or jokes?

2006-08-09 01:01:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It takes three pigs with dermatitis to make a dozen packets of pork scratchings.

2006-08-09 00:49:51 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www-bioc.rice.edu/~jmyers/Fat%20Chicks.jpg

2006-08-09 00:40:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

As he sees his new date across the road, a dog dumps right in front of him. The guy panics and drops his baseball cap on the turd. "What's under the hat?" She asks as she arrived. "Er, oh- Just most beautiful bird, tropical I think. I can't show you, he'll get away" "Ooh, I must see it. I'll hold your hat and when I count to three, you grab it, okay?" "Well-" "Come on, you can do it. Ready? One- two-three". She pulls up the hat and the guy makes a grab. "Did you catch it?" The guy opens his hand. "No- But I didn't half scare it".

2006-08-09 00:30:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.musclebomb.com/mycards/images/03.jpg

2006-08-09 00:28:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous