Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-08 22:32:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pig won't drink 6 beers & act like a woman......don't hate me girls it's only humour.

2006-08-08 21:54:22 · 12 answers · asked by guvner_46 3

seriously funniest one gets ten points cmon lets see what ya think

2006-08-08 21:48:33 · 16 answers · asked by Mattimos 3

It is dark. You have one match. There is a candle and there is a wood burning stove. Which do you light first?

2006-08-08 21:25:30 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-08 21:12:39 · 10 answers · asked by scantron 3

let it be new.

2006-08-08 20:53:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-08 20:47:56 · 33 answers · asked by Bilko 2

2006-08-08 20:45:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

screw technology!!!! this computer is made out of tree sap!!

2006-08-08 20:41:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell a joke and get ya hands on 10 poins or just 2 points which im happy to give

2006-08-08 20:40:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a May 22, 2006 "Top Story" on the web site of KUTV (CBS Channel 2 in Salt Lake City, Utah), it was reported that the president of Mexico, Vicente Fox, was visiting Utah.

As Utah is the home of the Mormon church, news outlets there often look for an angle in stories to tie things in to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka, "The Mormons"). Here's how KUTV did it:

"The Mormon church also has a strong presence in Mexico, where in 2004 membership exceeded 1.6 million -- or one in every 105 Mexican nationals."

Pretty impressive, isn't it? Maybe too impressive? Let's do the math.

If 1.6 million people represents just one of 105 of the population, then when you multiply 1.6 million by 105, you get 168 million people. The CIA's July 2006 estimate of the population of Mexico is 107.5 million people.

Apparently, then, between 2004 and this summer, 60.5 million Mexicans have emigrated to Utah.

2006-08-08 20:34:35 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Also, in case this doesn't apply to you now, keep it..........someday it will

2006-08-08 20:30:37 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

2006-08-08 20:29:22 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are so shy they never make the first move.

The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, women are thought of as the "confusing sex"?

2006-08-08 20:28:25 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

The people who make it don't want it, the people who buy it don't use it and the people who use it don't know!

2006-08-08 20:28:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-08 20:23:07 · 9 answers · asked by G.R 1

2006-08-08 20:21:32 · 22 answers · asked by Vicky 2

Best answer judged on accuracy and correctness of personal banking details...

2006-08-08 20:20:59 · 25 answers · asked by ozpianoman 1

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of her index finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest. Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast implants, I'm not gonna shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee, this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

2006-08-08 20:15:15 · 18 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-08 20:06:43 · 29 answers · asked by angelic 2

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

2006-08-08 20:04:36 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-08 20:03:18 · 8 answers · asked by justin o 2

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

2006-08-08 20:01:14 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-08 19:57:39 · 36 answers · asked by angelic 2

No comments pls - juz the answer or they'll all cheat.

Best answer judged on neatness...

One more question to come - and that's it ... PROMISE !

2006-08-08 19:56:47 · 17 answers · asked by ozpianoman 1

witch one gets to the ground first

2006-08-08 19:53:27 · 14 answers · asked by justin o 2

What is every living thing all around the world doing at the same time? I'll give points to whoever figures it out first.

2006-08-08 19:50:18 · 13 answers · asked by mkimba22 1

Twice.

2006-08-08 19:37:50 · 25 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin'?

2006-08-08 19:34:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why is it so hard to replace a human cannonball?
A: Because it's hard to find someone of the same caliber!

Lol! And here is today's riddle:

Why am I spraying herbicide on my spice garden?

Good luck!

2006-08-08 19:31:22 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6