tell a joke and get ya hands on 10 poins or just 2 points which im happy to give
2006-08-08 20:40:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
here r some funny quotes
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch azz should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2006-08-08 21:18:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 8⤊ 3⤋
Legless Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"
2006-08-09 03:53:54 · answer #2 · answered by ettezzil 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said,
"I don't think you understand, I want something really special for this lovely lady." At that statement, the jeweler
Went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The young lady was absolutely ecstatic.
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque . Now, I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds And I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account !"
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine what a weekend I had?
2006-08-09 03:51:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi friends,
Let us take a look at the report submitted by a blond to her manager after completing her Y2K verification task.
“Dear Sir, Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all rams and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely Y2K Project leader
2006-08-09 05:32:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Best Break-Up Letter Ever
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky.
Hi friends,
Let us take a look at the report submitted by sardar to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task.
“Dear Sir, Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all rams and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely IQ Singh Y2K Project leader
2006-08-09 05:41:25 · answer #5 · answered by Dumbledore 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
two guys, john and jake were stranded in a desert with no food, water or shelter. they have been walking for many days searching for any form of civilisation.
one day, they stumbled upon a house in the desert (dont ask why on earth there would be a one there, some people are just weird okae).
john: i'll go check if there's anyone.
jake: alright.
john knocked on the door and an old lady with a horrendously grotesque face, rotting teeth, killer sagging '****' and biologicalwarfare-worthy odour answered the door.
john: excuse me ma'am, could u spare us some food and water?
old lady: i'd give u a car, food and a million bucks if u sleep with me.
john panicked. he replied with a polite bye and ran off. jake then decided to try. the lady gave jake e same offer and this time, jake agreed. so the happy lady then made her way to the kitchen to get ready while jake followed. "i can't possibly **** her, look at her!" he thought. at e corner of his eye, he saw a bunch of corn.
he then used the corn to do her, and everytime he thought it was over, he threw one out the window.
the lady was satisfied and gave him what was promised. he happily made his way out the house. john rushed out to him.
"jake! you were so stupid to even go in that house, when you were in there, i had some of the world's BEST CORN!"
2006-08-09 03:47:45 · answer #6 · answered by excusememiss 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
2006-08-09 03:57:13 · answer #7 · answered by Stephanie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you call two blondes sitting next to a fan? Answer: Wind tunnel. What was the blonde doing in the tree? Answer: Raking leaves. It's all I got, sorry, hopefully someone will get those 10 points. Blondes-don't hate me, hate the game!!
2006-08-09 03:49:39 · answer #8 · answered by Eric B 38 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im not trying to offend anyone here but this is a really funny joke... well not really, its very offending and it deals with a serious subject. we should not poke fun at this subject but we should raise awareness that this problem exists. okay here i go...
why don't black people have dreams?
because the last one that did got shot!
get it? again, this is a very serious issue and points out the flaws in our society about racial intolerance.
2006-08-09 05:19:05 · answer #9 · answered by tangerine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a man was driving along a road and sees a sign that says"watch for falling rocks".a few kilometers away he sees some rocks on the side of the road so he stops and picks the rocks.when he got to the next town he sees a checkpoint so he gets out of his car and talks to the guard and says"here's your rocks now wheres my watch?"
2006-08-09 03:59:44 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋