Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

>
> > > Spotted in a toilet of an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
> > > FLOOR BELOW.
> > >
> > > In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
> > > CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
> > >
> > > In a department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
> > >
> > > In an office: WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY
> > > PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
> > >
> > > In an office lunchroom: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE
> > > TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
> > >
> > > Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
>
> > > MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
> > > BARGAIN?
> > >
> > > Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
> > >
> > > Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
> > >
> > > Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
> > > KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
> > >
> > > Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
> > > FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
> > >
> > > Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
>
> > > HOW TO GET LESSONS.
> > >
> > > On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
>
> > > THE DOOR; THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
> >
>

2006-08-10 12:26:04 · 23 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Really it is the two thousands, what do you think?

2006-08-10 12:23:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is either that or I cry myself to sleep, can anyone offer me suggestions?
Please don't say Depends, they bunch up and I end up chaffing. I need something more long term, I am tired of the band-aid approach.

2006-08-10 12:17:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

mindtrap

2006-08-10 12:15:07 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

i bored.........
make me laugh by 3 days or
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

2006-08-10 12:07:45 · 26 answers · asked by Cero 4

for 10 points!

2006-08-10 12:03:57 · 21 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2006-08-10 11:55:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

????

2006-08-10 11:54:49 · 20 answers · asked by chelsay 3

???

2006-08-10 11:52:20 · 9 answers · asked by chelsay 3

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

2006-08-10 11:48:41 · 9 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

I DO NOT want the joke. Just the punchline. I think a lot of punchlines are funny by themselves. Here are a few of my favorites:
"I never had five bucks before."
"A stick"
"I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
"Sparky"
"Right where you left him."
"I think Grandma's is dead because it's tongue is sticking out."
"We don't serve food here."
"He's a dead ringer for his brother"

2006-08-10 11:47:41 · 24 answers · asked by smutulator 1

Let's here them.

2006-08-10 11:44:26 · 16 answers · asked by Bob 3

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away..
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to

see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

2006-08-10 11:37:03 · 13 answers · asked by Ginnykitty 7

what did the egg say to the boiling water? i cant get hard cause i only got layed this morning.

2006-08-10 11:36:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

>Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
>
>After the first day they met up in the bar.
>
>
>
>"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
>
>
>
>"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
>
>
>
>At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E
>
>dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
>
>
>
>"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
>
>
>
>"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle
>
>platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."
>
>
>
>"'And did you jump?" asks his mate.
>
>
>
>"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump
>
>five feet. It is beneass my dignity."
>
>
>
>"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
>
>
>
>"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze
>
>ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."
>
>
>
>"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
>
>
>
>"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass
>
>my dignity to jump ten feet."
>
>
>
>"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
>
>
>
>"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
>
>parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and
>'e
>
>said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your
>
>burm."."
>
>
>
>"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
>
>
>
>"A leetle, at ze beginning. "
>

2006-08-10 11:30:36 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A hedgehog has two and so does a guinea pig Dogs and gerbils have one each, but rabbits and hamsters don't have any...any what?

Please help!
Thanks!

2006-08-10 11:27:35 · 8 answers · asked by Xx..Ny's Finest..xX 2

2006-08-10 11:17:14 · 12 answers · asked by poorfellowsoldiersofchrist 2

a realy realy funny joke

2006-08-10 11:16:30 · 9 answers · asked by [blahh] ™ 5

whats the dumbest thing they ever did?

2006-08-10 11:15:35 · 3 answers · asked by stone cold 4

be infamous and HATED after your death by millions, because you were a horrible person... OR

be forgotten about after your death, but loved while you were alive?

2006-08-10 11:08:32 · 14 answers · asked by BringBackTheBeats 2

a man who is a dwarf moves into a 3 story apartment building. he lives all the way on the 3rd floor. he has a really hard time climbing the stairs but will only sem to take the elevator when it rains. why?

2006-08-10 11:04:25 · 13 answers · asked by xcr0okedx 1

It's like the whole neigborhood can hear us.. I was like hot damn you gotta keep it low baby...

You know them girls be crazy sometimes...

They would prolly call the Po Po on us if we did that again..

2006-08-10 10:59:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-10 10:59:40 · 5 answers · asked by Angel85 1

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

2006-08-10 10:57:05 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible
for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of: "MOUNT & DO."

♥

2006-08-10 10:54:06 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother. ♥

2006-08-10 10:52:43 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-10 10:43:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can
get a haircut"?
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How
long before I can get a haircut"?
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About
two
hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long
before I can get a haircut"?
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill,
follow
that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here"?
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

2006-08-10 10:21:22 · 23 answers · asked by texasgirl5454312 6

Now my second question, how do I put a positive spin on this to convince my wife it is a good idea?

2006-08-10 10:11:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The two cars in front travel at the same speed but they are going in reverse. All the cars complete the journey safely and arrive at their destination at the same time. The cars going in reverse are still at the front. How come ??

2006-08-10 10:08:48 · 22 answers · asked by Midnight Dynamo 3