Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Last time, we had this riddle:

What is another name cannibals use for the phonebook?
A: Menu!

Heheh. And now, for today's riddle:

Why do I always cover my ears when there are chickens around?

Have fun!

2006-08-10 19:29:14 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

little lohnny was in school one day and the teacher said all of u have to come up with a sentence that has fascinate in it so a little girl sad i saw a plane the other day and it was fascinating the teacher said no no i said fascinate. so a little boy said i was watching tv and saw a car that was fascinating the teacher said no no i said fascinate so little johnny said my aunt has a shirt that has ten buttons on it but her ti*s are so big she could only fascineight

2006-08-10 19:21:00 · 7 answers · asked by justin o 2

Why are some people so rude on here you leave a quetion & they answer with some off the wall retarted "RUDE" answer.I say if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

2006-08-10 19:20:25 · 14 answers · asked by Sassy 24 4

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
*************************
Teacher what do you want to become?
lil johny- doctor !!
teacher- why?
lil j - coz its the only profession where u can tell
a woman to take off her
clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

2006-08-10 19:19:58 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

One Wednesdays afternoon Blake visits a health spa where he meets 3 other men, Peter, Paul and Carl. They undress and then enter the steam room. Peter is a musician and has brought his walkman, and Paul and Carl have both brought books to read. Blake has taken a thermos flask. Before long, a piercing cry is heard in the mist-filled room, and one of Blake's companions is found dead form a stab wound to the chest. When the police come to investigate and question the three men, all they find is the room are a walkman, two books and an empty thermos. No weapon is found and no one else has entered or left the room. What had happened?

2006-08-10 19:14:57 · 7 answers · asked by § Moonlight Shadow § 1

little johnnys parents split up and they had to go to court to detirme who gets him the judge asked little johnny who do u want to live with do u want to live with your mother. little jonny said no no my mommy beats me. so the judge said well do u want to live with your daddy little johnny said no no my daddy beats me too. so the judge said well we have to put u with someone so the judge said well who do u want to live with. little johnny said I want to live with the dallas cowboys they never beat anyone

2006-08-10 19:07:17 · 8 answers · asked by justin o 2

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.

2006-08-10 19:04:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A country extension agent is visiting a farm and needs to use the toilet, but he remembers that there is no running water. So he runs around back to the outhouse, opens the door, and the hired man is sitting there. But the hired man says,"It's okay. Come on in, it's the two-holer." So the agent goes in and sits down. Soon, the hired man stands up, and as he pulls up his pants, some change tumbles out of his pocket and goes down the hole. The hired man shakes his head, pulls out his wallet, drops a ten-dollar bill down the hole. The extension agent says, " What did you do that for?" And the hired man says, " Well, I ain't goin' down there for just thirty-five cents."



:)

2006-08-10 19:03:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

''That's alright,'' the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

2006-08-10 19:00:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and saying a sweet "hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

Finally he says, "Um, do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and has a sudden recollection of a drunken party.

"My god," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I coaxed into a private room with a $50 bill, and then we had sex on the pool table with all my buddies watching from the door while I yelled 'I call the corner pocket!' while you screamed 'Harder, harder!' and 'Deeper, deeper!'?"

She hardly missed a beat when she said "Well, no. I'm your son's math teacher."

2006-08-10 18:56:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok three dudes (girls) were in heaven st peter said welcome, here u can do anything u like. god jus has one rule, never step on a duck. so the friends split up and decide to meet back later. awhile later all meet up one has a fat ugly chick. dude! what happened. he replied i accidentally stepped on a little duck and all of a sudden i was chained to her. the other has a loud mouthed smelly chick chained to him, damn what happened to you? he replied man i accidentally stepped on one, and all of a sudden i was chained to her. the third friend had a beautiful woman chained to him. heyyy what the heck how did you get her?! the lady said i dont know what the hell he did but i stepped on a damn duck!!

just put your friends name into the joke and set one up for the punchline,, very funny around groups of people.

2006-08-10 18:55:47 · 21 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

Tom was talking to his friend at the bar, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

2006-08-10 18:55:39 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a good job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

And...

5. Its very, very important that these four women don't ever find out about each other.

2006-08-10 18:54:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This one really only works if you read it, so even if you laugh you may not get a response if you tell someone else....

An actress was so nervous on the opening night of the play, when she stepped out on the stage her a-s-s fell off.

It was her debut.

2006-08-10 18:44:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

sO THEY DON'T LEAVE SNAIL TRAILS

2006-08-10 18:37:25 · 10 answers · asked by suk my dic 1

It was the last dance of the school year, and as usual two kids did nothing but watch from the sidelines: Jimmy, who only had one eye, and whose family could only afford a cheap wooden prosthetic, and Jane, who was grossly over weight . No one would ever ask them to dance.

The last song was announced, and Jimmy knew it was now or never. He wrestled up his courage and walked over to Jane.

"Um," he stammered, "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I?" she said with glee. "Would I?!"

His hopeful face turned to disgust.

"Fat a-s-s. Fat a-s-s!" he yelled, and turned and stomped away.

2006-08-10 18:36:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Railroad crossing railroad cars can you spell that with out any R's?

2006-08-10 18:32:01 · 11 answers · asked by Sassy 24 4

The Top Ten Funniest (and Saddest) Mistakes, Misstatements, Bloopers and Blunders By President George W. Bush (so far...).

1. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

2. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

4. "There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world's worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons." --South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002.

5. "There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool me...Can't get fooled again." --Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002.

6. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." --Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

7. "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the ... the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003.

8 "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." --on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005

9. "Wow! Brazil is big." --after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

10. A TIE BETWEEN:
"Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning'?" --Florence, S.C. Jan 11 2000 and
"The illiteracy level of our children are appalling." --Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

2006-08-10 18:31:12 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

An inside look at how professors grade their final exams:

Dept of Statistics: All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Theology: Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.

Dept of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Dept of Music: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.

Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

2006-08-10 18:29:06 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

There was once three men who wanted to go hunting so they set out one day.

When they arrived at the camop sight they decided that they would split up. the first hunter came back an hour later with a huge deer and the other two hunters asked how he got it the hunter replied, "I followed the tracks and shot it."

The second hunter goes out and comes back a few hours later with even a bigger deer.

The other two hunters asked how he got it he simply replied. " I follewed the tracks and i shot it."

The third man goes out and comes back the next day with a broken arm and a fractured skull .

The other two men said what happened to you?

He said "I followed the tracks and got hit by the damn train."

2006-08-10 18:27:16 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was way too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and yet again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled, tipped his hat, and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was pretty good friends."

2006-08-10 18:22:06 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of a-s-s?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh a-s-s for mah drink."

2006-08-10 18:19:32 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Here's a little test to help you decide:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer

BANG! BANG!

Extra Credit: Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silvertips or Federal Hydra-Shoks?"

2006-08-10 18:18:24 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A Philadelphia Eagles player was noticed with a strange, white, powdery substance on his uniform after a practice.

The FBI was called in, and determined that it was the goal line chalk powder.

2006-08-10 18:14:51 · 3 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

I just know that in a perfect world, I'd be wearing the tiniest bikini and running on the beach without worring about anything jiggling!

2006-08-10 18:05:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

See if u cant get this riddle

2006-08-10 18:04:39 · 9 answers · asked by k33p3lz 1

from 0-10,000 :P

closest gets 10 points

2006-08-10 18:03:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you reuse a condom??

2006-08-10 17:59:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.planetvids.com/html/Hilarious-Dane-Cook-Comedy-Bit.html

2006-08-10 17:47:55 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

I went out with my ex for about 5 years.well just to say he cheated on me with a co-worker, Well he left me for her got her pregnet and he asked her to marrie him after he left me well all threw the time that he left me i felt like a new person. But know he is trying to get me back. i dont want to but what would you do....................

2006-08-10 17:45:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous