Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

You take your middle name and the street you live on...

Mine would be Elizabeth Paddy Hill.... doesn't work well... the best one I've heard of was my friend's... Ruth Wyndham (pronouced Wind - um)

You can also combine your pets name and the streetyou live....

2006-08-10 14:50:52 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Cork





Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sh-t?"



God Bless America

2006-08-10 14:47:39 · 9 answers · asked by Clyde 5

how long would it take a monkey with 5 peg legs to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle


I know its a weird question , but the mental picture is priceless aye?

2006-08-10 14:47:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Deer nuts are always under a buck."

2006-08-10 14:46:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

we all have seen that comic " Bill Engelwood" on tv with his here's your sign jokes do you have a true story for thos types of jokes. I do. here is mine.
a friend and I had been driving when she pulled her car over to the road side, loooking for directions. Pulling into a snow drift. she tried and tried and couldnt get out. a farmer up the road drove hi truck down. after pulling in he leaned on it and then said to me " Car Stuck"
I said " Nope every so many miles we like to pull off into the snow bank to cool her tires! Heres you sign!
Your turn got one to share
Penny Babson
http://www.impressionsbypenny.com

2006-08-10 14:45:56 · 2 answers · asked by officeofimpressions 2

What is brown and hairy on d outside and wet on d inside and it starts with C, ends with T ,and has a U in it?

2006-08-10 14:42:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are dreaming that you are falling in a bottomless pit. There is no way to get out. How do you get out?

2006-08-10 14:39:49 · 19 answers · asked by dcsprouse001 2

ONE DAY A MAN ASKED HIS NEIGHBOR IF HE THREW A 100 BUCKS ON THE FLOOR WOULD SHE HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND BY THE TIME SHE GRABBED THE MONEY HE WOULD BE FINISHED. THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HER BOYFRIEND WHO TOLD HER TO MAKE IT 200 BUCKS AND BY THE TIME THE MAN UNZIPS YOU WILL HAVE 2OO BUCKS, AND CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE. SO SHE AGREES TO HAVE SEX FOR 200 BUCKS..............TIME GOES BY NO PHONE CALL SO BOYFRIEND GETS WORRIED AND CALLS HER AND ASKS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? THE WOMAN REPLIED THE BASTARD THREW QUARTERS!!!!!!!

2006-08-10 14:38:22 · 21 answers · asked by raven28031 1

nothing you rases bastard

2006-08-10 14:34:59 · 29 answers · asked by Brad C 2

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2006-08-10 14:33:18 · 7 answers · asked by Viola M 1

2006-08-10 14:28:27 · 20 answers · asked by Starling 3

I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-10 14:27:03 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

My name? Starts with a K and has 7 letters, my nickname has 6 letters...

First to get it right gets the points..

Go!

2006-08-10 14:26:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

________ Willow.
________ a-doo-dle-doo.
Another name for a donky is a(n) ________
A female dog is a ______,
A ciggarette in England is called a ______.
A well dressed man is a ______.
_______ Whale.
If your name is Richard, Your friends might call you _________.

2006-08-10 14:16:09 · 11 answers · asked by a_poor_misguided_soul 5

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?  What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

! BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Git-r-Dun, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist are you?"

2006-08-10 14:06:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

the first 1 to give me the closests to fifty mamma jokes will win ten points!

2006-08-10 13:53:21 · 3 answers · asked by Danielle 2

Willco has a meeting. There are 12 board members but when they arrive at the boardroom, there are only 11 chairs at the table. The meeting organizer has a solution. He seats the 1st board member in the first chair. He then seats the 2nd board on the 1st one's lap. He then proceeds to seat the 3rd member in the second seat, the 4th in the third seat, the 5th in the fourth seat and so on. After he seats the last one, the 2nd board member gets up off the lap of the 1st and takes the final seat. All 12 are now seated.How is this possible?
--no one brought in another chair

2006-08-10 13:38:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

n plz make them clean... its for school...

2006-08-10 13:35:33 · 9 answers · asked by lsutgrfn7 2

what does this riddle mean?
"i'm as happy as a mad poet!"

2006-08-10 13:14:39 · 27 answers · asked by Charnelle W 3

2006-08-10 13:08:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-10 13:07:11 · 5 answers · asked by markspanishfly 2

Thought laughter was the best medicine.........

2006-08-10 12:55:00 · 27 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

i am really bored.

2006-08-10 12:52:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the spring i walk on four legs, in the summer i walk on two legs, in the winter i walk on three legs. What am I?

2006-08-10 12:52:05 · 36 answers · asked by Freedom 3

2006-08-10 12:40:07 · 10 answers · asked by Starling 3

2006-08-10 12:37:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are moving along, but to the right of you is a deep abyss. To the left is an elephant moving at the same speed as you. In front there's a kangaroo also moving at your pace, and behind there is a bear following you. What do you do to escape? Can you figure it out?

2006-08-10 12:35:58 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night out driving middle nowhere. 2 college student on way back to college from homes. Boom, oh no we have flat tire. He pulled over and see what wrong......yep Flat tire, checking to see if any spare tire nope. both looking at each other thinking oh man! look out and round to see. I saw light down there, both walk toward to the light. They check to see if anyone home and saw car in the garage. Knock on the door, to see if anyone home. Old Old Mean Lady answer it, said "What the Hell do you want??" and Slam the door. 2 College student didn't even got a chance to answer the questions.

KNOCK KNOCK, old old lady agian said "what the HELL do you want?" and Slam the door. both looked each other and said I am getting mad.. one more time knock and same thing and man of the house answer the door and asked May I help you two??? One college student said yeah sir I need used the phone need someone to come out and fix the tire.... Sorry it won't work only in the morning. come on in.

2006-08-10 12:29:34 · 6 answers · asked by greenbaypackers1920 6

If so, let's hear it. If not, who cares, you get two points.

...and my question limits up for today.

2006-08-10 12:28:15 · 7 answers · asked by Bob 3

2006-08-10 12:27:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous