i need a joke... it cant be yo mama, racist,blonde or anything offensive?

Question

n plz make them clean... its for school...

PLEASE ANSWER THEM!!

Answer 1

One sunday morning, the pastor noticed little alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque....it was covered with names with small american flags on both sides of it,, the seven year old had been staring at the plaque for quite sometime,,so the pastor walked up and stood beside the little boy and said,,,quietly, good morning alex.,good morning pastor he replied, still focused on the plaque....pastor, what is this? he asked,. well son, the pastor said, its a memorial to all the men and women who died in our service, soberly, they just stood together,,staring at the large plaque,,finally, alex voice barely audible and trembling with fear, asked...which service,,the 9:45 or the 11:15?

Answer 2

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.  The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
 
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
 
"Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Answer 3

There were once 10 eggs in the fridge in the egg rack, not caring about a thing (how they manage to stay there and not get eaten? dun ask me). One day, the egg on the right caught a glimpse of the one on the far left, gave a small jump and whispered to its neighbour,'ewww, look at THAT egg on the far left, all hairy and stuff, tis a shame to the proud egg family.' The second egg then took a small peek and jumped too, so he told the third egg and the message was passed on and on until it reached the egg right next the 'ugly' egg. When he turned the look, the 'ugly' egg finally couldn't take it and spoke to him,

''You think i dun know what you guys are talking about me? Saying i'm all hairy and stuff, i'm a KIWI FRUIT for godness sake!!!!!'

Answer 4

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 5

then its gonna be a boosy joke i tel you that now


replace yo mama with another name like sponge bob or homer simpson.

Answer 6

Confucius Say

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Man who lives in glass house should change in basement

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Answer 7

how are you going to tell a joke then? most jokes revolve around your mom, and are racist, about blonde's and are mildly offensive. good job.

Answer 8

What if........................ somebody just walked up to you and got lose and sniffed you (Sniff Sniff) and then they said...... *UGH* U STANK!

hahhahaha! Well it made me laugh!

Answer 9

What do you never see but is always with you?