can someone tell me a good joke?

Question

i am really bored.

Answer 1

how do u kill a blonde? ......
by throwing a scratch 'n sniff card in the pool

Answer 2

a guy, rather scraggly, walks into a bar. he says to the bartender, "you can see i have no money, but if i showed you something you've never seen before, would you give me a beer?"
the bartender, bored with only one other customer in the place, said, "sure, as long as it ain't dirty. this is a family establishment. and if i've seen it before, you're gonna leave!"
the guy pulls a hamster out of his coat pocket. it scurries down the bar, onto the floor and up onto the keys of the piano in the corner of the bar, where it starts jumping around on the keys playing boogie woogie blues like fats waller. then, scurries back into the guy's pocket.
the bartender had to agree, he hadn't seen that before, so he gives the guy a glass of beer, which he drinks slowly. after awhile, the bartender says, "well, unless you've got something else, you'd better leave."
"if i showed you something ELSE you've never seen, can i have another beer?"
"sure."
he reaches into his OTHER pocket, and plops a frog down on the bar. it sings "Oh Danny Boy" in a beautiful tenor. when the frog finished, the other customer in the bar slid down and said, "mister, i'll give you a hundred dollars for that frog right now!"
the bum said "SOLD!"
after the man had paid and left with his frog, the bartender poured the bum another beer and asked him "how come you sold that frog so cheap? he must be worth THOUSANDS!"

the bum just smiled and said "the hamster is a ventriloquist!" then drank his beer.

Answer 3

#1 Turtles and Picnics and a Minor Tragedy

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."





#2: Turtle Sexuality
What do you call a turtle with an erection?






A slow poke!

Answer 4

ok

Burt Reynolds walks into a toy store to buy his nephew a hot rod shaped kiddie bed for his birthday.
The salesperson asks him if he has ever bought quality children's furniture before.
Mr. Reynolds replies that this is indeed his first time making such a purchase.
Suddenly, a blond bombshell of a young woman in a red miniskirt walks into the store and asks the salesperson if there are any hot rod shaped kiddie beds in stock.
He replies he only has one left at the moment.
Burt, being the gentleman he is, steps back and implores the woman to purchase it instead of him.
And..who may I ask, is the bed for...Your son? Burt asks her.
No. She says. It's for me, big boy...and aren't you Burt Reynolds?
Why, yes I am.
And now..may I ask you for another favor Mr. Reynolds..?...She continues.
uhh..SURE! he says
Would you like to............
They were all instantly killed as an out-of-control car crashed into the store.

Answer 5

This is how to get rid of that flab under your arms.

Week #1: go outside and hold up two 1 pound poatato sacks (1 in ea hand) hold it there for 5 min.Do this for one week

Week #2: go outside and hold up two 10 pound poato sacks (1 in ea hand) hold it there for 10 min.Do this for one week

Week #3: go outside and hold up two 20 lbs potato sacks ( 1 in ea hand) hold it there for 15 min.Do this for one week.

Week #4: go outside and hold up two 50 lbs potato sacks ( 1 in ea hand) hold it there for 20 min.Do this for one week

Week #5. Start adding potatoes

Answer 6

John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says " hey, why the long face"

Answer 7

can you pull a rabbit out of a hat ? asked the man to the magician.no ,but i can pull a hare out of myarse,

Answer 8

OOOh go to comedy central.com and read thkes of the day they are soooo funny you'll be rading for hours.

Answer 9

Here is a cute one for you...
Why did the lady put lipstick on her forehead????
She could not make up her mind!!!!!
hahahahahahaha

Answer 10

This baby seal walks into a club......