Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

2006-08-10 21:30:37 · 11 answers · asked by Rich 2

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

2006-08-10 21:28:42 · 6 answers · asked by Rich 2

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.



“Mommy, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”



The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”



“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

2006-08-10 21:25:31 · 4 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment.

But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

2006-08-10 21:25:24 · 3 answers · asked by Rich 2

iam sandy 18years want date with you email sandylikeyou679@yahoo.co.in

2006-08-10 21:18:07 · 9 answers · asked by sandeep 1

2006-08-10 21:13:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend wants to give a very small dinner party, and invites his father's brother-in-law, his brother's father-in-law, his father-in-law's brother, and his brother-in-law's father. Find the number of guests.

2006-08-10 21:11:12 · 11 answers · asked by Still Waters 1

2006-08-10 20:58:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who would win in a fight Lemmy or God?

2006-08-10 20:51:40 · 13 answers · asked by drunkenbastard4135 2

After much debate, the following scene ensues...

Mac user: "Name one thing a PC can do that a Mac can't!"
PC user: "Right click."

Well I thought it was funny... :-)

2006-08-10 20:51:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a common English verb which becomes my past simply by re-arranging my letter.

2006-08-10 20:43:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-10 20:33:15 · 9 answers · asked by ixat02 2

ok well me and ym friend are sitting around the computer we normally look at alot of mj parodies but were running a little low games are also great or just some funny jokes thats all were looking for jaokes flash movies or games nothing taken from mad tv or ssaturdayu night live though weve already seen that and most hte stuff on youtube about him which has some pretty funny ****

2006-08-10 20:24:21 · 5 answers · asked by livindead91 2

what is greater then god
more evil then the devil
dead people eat it
and if living people eat it they die?

2006-08-10 20:11:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-10 20:07:39 · 30 answers · asked by sora,donald,and goofy. 3

i love jokes but i never hear anything new so some one tell me a good one

2006-08-10 20:07:39 · 16 answers · asked by zipgirl93 1

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

2006-08-10 20:07:04 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-10 20:06:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's *** popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's ***"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's ***."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

2006-08-10 20:03:54 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

What is a chicken's favorite composer?

2006-08-10 20:00:16 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-10 19:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by Ami L 1

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

2006-08-10 19:50:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

2006-08-10 19:48:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

little johnny was going for a ride with his granpa they was driving down the road little johnnys granpa lit up a smoke so little johnny said can i have one granpa. granpa said well dose your di*k touch your a**hole johnny said well no. granpa said then no you have to be a man to smoke. so granpa open a can of beer little johnny said can i have one granpa. granpa said dose your di*k touch your a**hole little johnny said no. so granpa said then no u have to be a man to drink a beer. so they got on down the road and granpa ran out of smokes and beer so he stoped at a gas staion to get more so he got beer and smokes and bought johnny a lottery ticket little johnny scratched the ticket and won fifty thousand dollars johnny said i'm rich i'm rich i won fifty thousand dollars granpa said can i have some little johnny.johnny said does your di*k touch your a**hole granpa said yes yes it does little johnny said good then you can go f*ck yourself

2006-08-10 19:48:17 · 13 answers · asked by justin o 2

I stopped doing it cuz I was bored.
I never had any assignments.

2006-08-10 19:48:16 · 16 answers · asked by Viola Shumski 3

one day the teacher asked little johnny do you see the window

yes

do you see the grass outside

yes!

do you see the tree outside?

Yes!!

go outside look up and tell me if you see the sky

*goes outside, looks up, comes back and replies* YES!

now little johnny did you see god?

No

Then therfore it must not exist!

*little suzie asks johnny*Do you see the window?

yes

do you see the grass?

yes!

Do you see the tree?

Yes!!

Go outside and look up

*goes outside and looks up, comes back inside*

Did you see the sky?

YES!

now do you see the teacher?

yes

do you see the teachers brain

No

Then therfore it must not exist!

2006-08-10 19:42:21 · 11 answers · asked by qttati 2

The wife of a dead man was explaining to the doctor that her husband had been watching a programme on the evening of his death about the Beast of Bodmin Moor. Afterwards, she explained, he had a nightmare in which he was being chased down a hill by a huge black panther-like creature. The husband was tossing about so violently in his sleep, she said, that he rolled off the edge of the bed and died instantly from concussion. Why was the doctor not concieved by the widow's account?

2006-08-10 19:37:05 · 6 answers · asked by § Moonlight Shadow § 1

2006-08-10 19:36:36 · 26 answers · asked by sachin s 1

1. What driver doesn't have a license?
2. What has a neck but no head
3. Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where?
4. Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
5. What do people make that nobody can ever see?

Good Luck :P

2006-08-10 19:35:53 · 13 answers · asked by SeahawkMan 3

2006-08-10 19:33:48 · 16 answers · asked by sachin s 1