does anyone have any funny jokes?

Question

i love jokes but i never hear anything new so some one tell me a good one

Answer 1

Here is a lot of them.
Rabbi and a Priest were close friends. Every Saturday, the Priest took a stroll, and every Sat. he saw the Rabbi on his bike, on his way to the Synagogue. After many months, one Sat. the Rabbi was on foot.

The Priest ask him, "Rabbi, where is your bike?"

"Oh, Father, someone stole it."

"Well, Rabbi, let give you a suggestion. In your sermon today, go to the Ten Commandments. Linger on those and when you come to, 'Thou

Shalt Not Steal', dwell on that for a period. I'm sure the thief will repent and return your bike."

The next Saturday, the Priest was on his stroll, and here comes the Rabbi, on his bike.

The Priest says, "Well, Rabbi. I guess my suggestion worked."

"Well, not really, Father. You see, when I got to the Commandment, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left it."
end


Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
end



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of her index finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest. Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast implants, I'm not gonna shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee, this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Answer 2

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Answer 3

A topless woman was trying to walk into church when she was stopped at the door by a priest.
The priest said, "Young lady, you can't come into church like that."
To which the woman replied, "But father, I've got a Divine Right!"
The priest considered that for a moment and said, "And your left isn't too bad either, but you still can't come in"

Answer 4

Since it seems like you're not blonde, I'll tell a blonde joke.


There's a blonde, a brunnete, and a redhead stuck on an island. They have almost nothing with them, and they're stranded on the island. One of them finds a magical genie lamp. The blonde rubs it...

POOF! A genie appears!
He says, "I will grant each of you ONE WISH...Wish for whatever you want!"

The redhead says, "I want to go back home..."
POOF!
She's gone and she's back home....

The genie asks the brunnette, and she says, "I wanna go back home too!"
POOF! She goes back home...

...

= (
The blonde is crying now...but she has to make her wish anyway...He asks, "Why are you crying, maybe I can help you..."

I'm so LONELY...I wish I had my friends BACK!


POOF!

Answer 5

Two ardelens(ardelens are from romania)tried once to cut a bomb.Next second camed the 3-th one and asked them:hey,you know that the bomb is gonna explose if you keep cut?
-yeah,but anyway,we have another one.

Answer 6

theres a black guy a white guy and i mexican all riding together in a car, the car breaks down and theyre aloud to take one thing from the car...the black guy takes the water in case he gets thirsty the white guy takes the food in case he gets hungry and the mexican takes the door cause if he get hot he can roll the window down!

Answer 7

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't ... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop

Answer 8

What did the guy say to his girl friend with two black eyes? I already told you twice!

Answer 9

what do u see when a 350 lb. woman tries to get in a teeny weeny bikini?


take the "f" out of fat, and the "f" out of way.

Answer 10

God Too In A Joking Mood...!
A man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!.......just a second."