tell me a joke!?

Question

a realy realy funny joke

Answer 1

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose! the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the ******** difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little

TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TON Y says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow.job."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tit.s, you'd be a TEN !"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie,"! replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ******** beautiful !'"




LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ******** business."'



A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."



Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc. Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack." "Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who pushed me in!"






voodoo di.ck

There was this man and woman, and they were married. Well, the woman was always horny and wanted sex all the time. The husband had to go away on a business trip and needed something to keep his wife satisfies until he got back. He went to a pleasure place looking for dildos. He walked in and asked to see all the dildos. the man took all of them out except for one. the man told him he wanted to see the one in the box. the man said that it wasn't for sale. He finally talked him into taking it out and looking at it. the man said,"this is a voodoo di.ck. let me demonstrate. Voodoo di.ck the keyhole." the voodoo di.ck went over to the door and started doing to keyhole. the man said,"voodoo di.ck back in your box." Well the man finally talked him into letting him buy the voodoo di.ck. He took it home and told his wife that whenever she got horny just say voodoo di.ck my puss.y. he left and she got really horny and said,"voodoo di.ck my pus.sy." well she had an orgasm and wanted it to stop. she couldn't get it to stop, she tried pulling at it hitting it and everything. she got in her car to go to the doctor to see if hecould stop it. her foot kept hitting the gas really hard and a cop pulled her over. he asked her what she was doing and she told him about the voodoo di.ck. The cop smurked and said,"yeah, voodoo di.ck my a.ss."!!!!


Why did Disney fire Cinderella?

Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's nose and making him tell lies.


Monique walked in to a sexshop. She told the shop assistant she wanted to buy a dildo, the man said far wall right hand side we have lots to choose from. So she began to choose. Green ones... pink ones.... but jordan says she wants the red one and the shop assistant says there must be some mistake thats the fire extinguisher.


Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and
yelled "God almighty" and the techer told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher her asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
Then the teacher faints.



A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find that it overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies: "if you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"


One day, superman was flieing and he saw
Wonder Woman laying naked on the roof of
her house. He thought, "I wonder if I can
go down there and screw Wonder Woman so fast
without her knowing what happened." So he did.
A few seconds after Superman flew away, Wonder
Woman asked, "What was that?" the Invisable
Man said, "I don't know, but my as.s really hurts."


The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this:

You are a Siamese Twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.

You are not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one a.ss.



Cinderella was ready to go to the ball and she got a problem, her period!She didnt know what to do! so her fairy godmother comes and says whats wrong Cinderella why are you crying? Cinderella says im sad i just got my period and now i cant go to the ball! Her fairy godmother says "here this will make everything all better, its a magic tampon!"" but you have to be back at 12:00 pm or it will turn into a pumpkin!" Cinderella says ok and sticks it in and goes to the ball! well its 12:00 and Cinderella isnt there her fairy godmother is wondering why she isnt at home yet, ok now its 1:00 and she is still not home , ok now its 3:00 am and Cinderella finally gets home and Her fairy godmother was frantic and says" Cinderella were have you been dont you remember me telling you what would of happened if you didnt come back at 12:00 pm?" cinderella says" dont worry about it i met a guy named PETER!" ( peter peter pumpkin eater)




A boy hears the ice cream truck comming down
the road and runs into his house to ask his
Mom for a dollar. She agree's and gives him
the dollar and with that he takes off running
out the door... just in time to stop the
truck. The ice cream man says: "alright son
what can I get you?" The boy say's: "What do
you have?" Ice cream man say's: "Well...I
have anything you see here...chocolate,
vanilla, and strawberry." The little boy
thinks for a second and finally replies:
"I will have chocolate!" The ice cream man
opens up his chocolate bin and say's: "sorry
son, all out of chocolate." The boy say's:
"you said that I could have anything that I
see here and I see chocolate, I want
chocolate!" The ice cream man looks at the
boy and say's: "but son we are out of
chocolate, wouldn't you like some strawberry
instead?" The boy SCREAMS: "NO! You said I
could have chocolate and that is what I
want!" The ice cream man thinks for a second
and finally say's: "Listen here...do you see
the 'VAN' in vanilla?" The boy say's:
"Yes..." Ice cream man say's: "do you see
the 'STRAW' in strawberry?" Little boy
say's: "Yes...." Ice cream man say's: "do
you see the ' *****' in chocolate?" Little Boy
say's: "UMM, NO!" Ice cream man say's:
"That's cuz, THERE AIN'T NO ******'
CHOCOLATE!"


hope u like them i would put more but then it would be too many

Answer 2

A trainee pilot and a professional pilot went on a test run but the professional had a heart attack,so the trainee called for help and when he got a responce he said......
Trainee:The pilot has just had a heart attack.
Air controller:Ok can you tell me how high you are.
Trainee:How the hell am i supposed to know that.
Air controller:There is a Altimeter on the dash board.
Trainee:Ok i see it,im at 10.000 feet
Air controller:Ok now we are getting somewhere,what speed are you doing.
Trainee:I don't know!
Air controller:There is an air speed indicator on the instrument panel.
Trainee:I see it,I'm going 150 mph.
Air controller:How much cloud is there where you are.
Trainee:All i can see is tree's and fields,i think I'm upside down.
Air controller,What makes you think that,at first you didn't even know how high you were and how fast you were going so how do you know
Trainee:I can feel the sh*t running past my collar and down(up) my face.

Answer 3

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's *** shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's *** out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's ***". This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best *** in Town"

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states, "Nun Peddles *** for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Answer 4

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Answer 5

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 6

One guy said to God: "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what's a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

Answer 7

why did the signal turn red?
You'd turn red too if you changed in the middle of the street! :)

Answer 8

sex is like playing spades if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Answer 9

well, once far away long ago in a school house. there was this magic eraser and his job was to erase things. but one day he got tired and said 'i will not erase anymore' but they told him he had to....... and he did