Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-10 04:56:01 · 4 answers · asked by mike L 4

There are three men at the counter. One orders a sprite.. the other a coke.. a cow came along and orders a whisky.... who orders the milk?

(hint) not the cow...

2006-08-10 04:55:07 · 43 answers · asked by poplockerbreaker 1

A duck walks into a corner store and asked the cashier, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier looks at him and says, "No, we ain't got no gwapes". Then the duck left. The next day the duck came back and asked the cashier, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier looks at him and says, "No, we ain't got no gwapes". Then the duck left. The next day the same duck went back to the same corner store and said, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier said, "No, we ain't got no gwapes and if you ask again I'll staple your feet to the floor". The next day the duck came back and said, "You got any staples?" The cashier looked around and said, "No". Then the duck said, "You got any gwapes?"

2006-08-10 04:54:57 · 11 answers · asked by raul b 2

Guys iam looking for funny and humorous one liners.

2006-08-10 04:53:24 · 6 answers · asked by QuestionOnMyMind 2

One on the table waiting to eat
one on the beer can
yep the one on the phone

2006-08-10 04:51:41 · 10 answers · asked by mike L 4

1. marissa because backwards its "a s s i ram" too funny,

2. nikki is cool too because when the letters are rearranged its kinki

2006-08-10 04:49:04 · 13 answers · asked by Mr Spock 4

what do the words Almost and Biopsy have in common?

2006-08-10 04:47:51 · 6 answers · asked by toni_ald 1

Why does george bush's biography page come up when i do this. First I go to google.com , then i type the word "failure" in the search box. Then i click I AM FEELING LUCKY SEARCH and Bushes page comes up , ... WHy is this ???

2006-08-10 04:47:43 · 6 answers · asked by caliboy80 2

A old man got caught stealing a candy bar. his wife went to court with him. They went up last after disrupting the court sevral times and the old man was laughing the whole time. The judge said did you steal the candy bar he said yes ; because he still was laughing the judge said i will give you one day in jail for the one candy bar. He said good i can get away from my wife then. Still laughing; The judge said whats so funny he replied; well do you know this ***** took a can of peas what about her ?

2006-08-10 04:46:58 · 9 answers · asked by mike L 4

If so, did you stop by the store this morning?

Best idea for a Soda/Mentos prank wins.

2006-08-10 04:42:07 · 11 answers · asked by Mitch 7

What is it ?

2006-08-10 04:36:12 · 8 answers · asked by toni_ald 1

2006-08-10 04:32:20 · 78 answers · asked by Shaz 5

This is one of the funniest minister, rabbi and priest on a boat jokes I've ever heard. Hope you like it too.

2006-08-10 04:31:27 · 7 answers · asked by EMAILSKIP 6

What is it?... go for it, there's no wrong answer... but the one I like the best gets 10 points!

2006-08-10 04:30:20 · 61 answers · asked by carlos 1

When his hand caught fire

2006-08-10 04:28:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A jay walker somersaults into the air from a hit and run motorist and crashes to the ground. After a minute he gets up and brushes himself down. An acquaintance helps him to the kerb. "What a tremendous fright you must have sustained to convert from Judaism to Catholicism- I saw your give thanks and make the sign of the cross"."What sign? There was no sign, I was checking my possessions- Wallet, watch, spectacles, testicles".

2006-08-10 04:28:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Quickies (don't get to excited about this one, it's not what you
think!)

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
Very sexy nightie.


Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
The other is a husband.


Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW!
We
Need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you
LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
Think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
When I'm driving."

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
Afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
Been looking for Herman for 51 years.

2006-08-10 04:28:07 · 3 answers · asked by Matthew D 2

I want to know what the funniest joke you have ever heard in your life was... the type of joke that gets people splitting their sides rolling round on the floor in laughter...

Everyone needs a good laugh and break from the usual political BS so share your best and get 10 POINTS !!!

2006-08-10 04:20:25 · 30 answers · asked by carlos 1

I read that Madonna and Michael Jackson stayed up all night watching old black and white movies naked. Which do you think scared the kids staying over more, Mr. Beat It or Ms. Like A Virgin?

2006-08-10 04:18:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

sexy is using a feather,kinky is when its still attached to the chicken

2006-08-10 04:14:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

2006-08-10 04:14:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-10 04:04:17 · 9 answers · asked by momofseven 1

There are 7 girls in a bus. Each girl has 7 bags. Each bag has 7 big cats.
Each big cat has 7 small cats. How many nipples are there in the bus?

Note: each cat has 7 nipples.
The total number will be the password to the excel file.

2006-08-10 03:45:30 · 18 answers · asked by Carmela 1

2006-08-10 03:34:17 · 8 answers · asked by still breathing 6

The last question for a while... I really have to do some housework...

There are 100 birds on a tree. Using what method will you be able to capture them all in one shot?

2006-08-10 03:23:21 · 16 answers · asked by ...o(_insert witty comment_) 3

...he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

2006-08-10 03:13:15 · 10 answers · asked by MissBehave 5

That old men are to be fed Viagra in hospital as part of NHS cut backs. It's to stop them rolling out their beds of the nurse.

2006-08-10 03:07:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

why sardars are like common masala(ingredient) for indian jokes?

2006-08-10 02:50:10 · 5 answers · asked by sweet_n_salsa 1

Wow, it looks like Mrs Pilkinton has fallen in love. She met someone at her keep fit class last night and according to Goose, she has the biggest smile on her face!

Hippos first reaction was to bake her the biggest cake ever but goose persuded him not too as cake goes straight to her hips.

What should Hippo do to for Mrs Pilkinton instead?

2006-08-10 02:50:03 · 12 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-08-10 02:48:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous