2006-08-10 04:32:20 · 78 answers · asked by Shaz 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Thank you everyone. It has helped me a lot. I'm not writing a joke book thou but I do a comedy show on the radio and I was running out of the tips I give every week. Now thanks to you guys I have enouh material for weeks.
Cheers!
2006-08-17 03:07:43 · update #1
There's a tie between 'Chelle, Kevinemy, Moglie, elge13 and BryonyBeth'. All their answers are really good and i can't decide who should get the 10 points. So I leave that for yahoo members to decide.
Time to vote guys.
2006-08-17 03:18:47 · update #2
You can’t be wise And In Love
I Like My men Like I Like My Coffee, In A Plastic Cup
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Sky-Diving Isn’t For You
A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet
Procrastinate Now, Don’t Put It Off
All Those Who Believe In Telekinesis Raise My Hand
The Penguins Took My Sanity
Grow your own dope….plant a blonde,
The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
Consciousness- that annoying time between naps
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul
It's all just a game till somebody loses an eye.
AAHHH!!!! What's on my head??!! Oh, it's hair.
Love is not having to say, 'you're ugly'
CRAP! I forgot the embalming fluid!
Like my great-grandfather Hubert used to say: 'Wherever you go......there you are.'
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
"Excuse me, do you have a pencil?"
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
"So my choice is 'Or Death?' "
"I'm a one-man idiot"
"Twang him into a tree!"
"I'm an Action Transvestite"
"My name is NOT Tracy"
"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
A penny saved is ridiculous
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
All reports are in: life is now officially unfair
All that glitters has a high refractive index
All work and no play will make you a manager
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway
Dream like you'll live forever, live like you'll die tomorrow
2006-08-14 06:16:08 · answer #1 · answered by BryonyBeth 3 · 5⤊ 2⤋
Funny Tip Jar Quotes
2016-12-31 04:29:16 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing? The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the three minute management course.
2006-08-17 08:00:45 · answer #3 · answered by PrincssSarah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you're still struggling to improve you're vertical and you are trying to get your hands over the rim, put Vert Shock to the check, a course that you will believe it is here https://tr.im/DICln and provide it a try, you'll be amazed of how fast you can be a monster hopper in the event that you train the best way.
This system won't cause you to jump tens of thousands of instances because Vert Shock was produced and utilized by real elite stage basketball players.
When it comes down to it, in the event that you genuinely wish to leap larger, you only discovered the best process on the planet to accomplish so. Some other way would only be described as a waste of time.
2016-04-20 21:19:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are steps you can take to actually build a strong, stable marriage and avoid divorce. Read here https://tr.im/NCly4
Here are some key steps to apply to your marriage:
- Start by understanding and being informed.
You can never be too informed about tools, methods and studies about building successful marriages. Understand the risk factors like your age and maturity at marriage can determine how successful it will be, the anatomy of an affair and what you can do after infidelity. Understand the success factors like the personal and psychological circumstances that will influence your marriage, what are the tools and approaches available to you in dealing with conflict, and numerous other relevant data. All this information is readily available to you whether through self-help material, through a counselor, support group or other venues. In fact, we have made it our commitment to provide these to you in different formats to help you make the best marriage you can.
The thing is, remember, this is information is not available for you to begin hyper-psychoanalyzing your relationship, yourself and your partner. It's not a matter of spewing trivia for the sake of conversation ' information is there for you to ponder over and internalize to help you transform yourself and your marriage. That includes maturing to such a point that you become more competent in your knowledge but more prudent in approach.
2016-04-22 02:02:57 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Funny Quotes About Marriage
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...
The rest cheat in Europe."
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." .
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
2006-08-16 09:16:52 · answer #6 · answered by Kevinemy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life's a b**itch and life's got a lot of sisters.
If you can't say something nice about someone, come sit next to me.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Behind every sucessful man, is a surprised woman.
Happines is like jam, you can't spread it without getting some on you.
It's true hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
There's two theories to arguin with women, neither one works.
Dogs come when they are called, cats take a message and get back to you later.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
2006-08-15 09:29:18 · answer #7 · answered by moglie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Iceberg lettuce: $1
Croutons: $2
Ranch Dressing: $3
Getting your salad tossed: PRICELE$$
2006-08-15 15:39:02 · answer #8 · answered by willno74 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul
2016-02-29 14:33:42 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
QUOTE FROM COMEDIAN RON WHITE WHILE RESPONDING TO A LOUDMOUTH
"Buddy, I'm about a third generation don't give a F@#K"
2006-08-15 18:43:28 · answer #10 · answered by UGADAWG 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋