Best Joke gets the points!!!?

Question

I want to know what the funniest joke you have ever heard in your life was... the type of joke that gets people splitting their sides rolling round on the floor in laughter...

Everyone needs a good laugh and break from the usual political BS so share your best and get 10 POINTS !!!

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

this is more than one but oh well

Quickies (don't get to excited about this one, it's not what you
think!)

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
Very sexy nightie.


Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
The other is a husband.


Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW!
We
Need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you
LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
Think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
When I'm driving."

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
Afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
Been looking for Herman for 51 years.


>> >> > A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of
>> >> >
>> >> > Brokeback Mountain, and, two steps in, he
>> >> >
>> >> > realizes it's a gay bar.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > "What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a
>> >> >
>> >> > drink."
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
>> >> >
>> >> > "What's the name of your 'willy'?"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All
>> >> >
>> >> > I want is a drink."
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you
>> >> >
>> >> > until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for
>> >> >
>> >> > instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
>> >> >
>> >> > That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
>> >> >
>> >> > SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells
>> >> >
>> >> > him he will give him a second to think it over.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is
>> >> >
>> >> > sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of
>> >> >
>> >> > yours?"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The
>> >> >
>> >> > thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly
>> >> >
>> >> > replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
>> >> >
>> >> > tickin!'"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on
>> >> >
>> >> > his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita
>> >> >
>> >> > and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,
>> >> >
>> >> > "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds,
>> >> >
>> >> > "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY,
>> >> >
>> >> > 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment
>> >> >
>> >> > before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The
>> >> >
>> >> > name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but
>> >> >
>> >> > with a puzzled look
>> >> >
>> >> > asks, "Why Secret?"
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A
>> >> >
>> >> > MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'
>> >> >
>
>

Answer 3

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.  The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
 
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
 
"Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Answer 4

I havent heard many jokes but this one is quite funny


A trainee pilot and a professional pilot went on a test run but the professional had a heart attack,so the trainee called for help and when he got a responce he said......
Trainee:The pilot has just had a heart attack.
Air controller:Ok can you tell me how high you are.
Trainee:How the hell am i supposed to know that.
Air controller:There is a Altimeter on the dash board.
Trainee:Ok i see it,im at 10.000 feet
Air controller:Ok now we are getting somewhere,what speed are you doing.
Trainee:I don't know!
Air controller:There is an air speed indicator on the instrument panel.
Trainee:I see it,I'm going 150 mph.
Air controller:How much cloud is there where you are.
Trainee:All i can see is tree's and fields,i think I'm upside down.
Air controller,What makes you think that,at first you didn't even know how high you were and how fast you were going so how do you know
Trainee:I can feel the sh*t running past my collar.

Answer 5

A guy in a toy shop wants to buy a Barbie to his daughter.

- "How much is it for the 'Barbie and her lovely horse' pls? "
- "40£"

- "mmm... how about the 'Barbie and her bmw car' ? "
- "70£"

- "right ... what about 'Barbie and her beautiful house' ? "
- " 110£"

-" I see... what about the 'Barbie and the jetsetter airplane' ? "
- "140£"

- "ok...... what about the 'Barbie Divorced' ? "
- " 990£"

- "but!.... Why is this one so expensive ???"
- "because she cames with the house, with the horse, with the car ....."



In the Navy, after his first 2 months on board cruising the ocean a mariner asks to a more senior mariner:
- " we've been navigating for 2 months and I miss my girlfriend and start being horny... there aren't any women onborad are there?"
- "no. But when we are horny we all have sex with the cook, in here."
- "thx but no thx. I like women..."

After another 2 months in the sea the mariner start being seriuosuly horny, so he asks again:
- " I seriously need a woman my friend and we won't arrive to destination before another 5 months ..."
- "I told you already, just fu*** the cook. Why u make a fuss about it?"
- "Oh no way I love women and could never do that..."

Another 3 months in the sea and our mariner starts being desperate for a woman:
- "I am going crazy! I need an *** !"
- " U know what u have to do then, just shag the cook ..."
- "mmm!... ok but I seriously don't want anybody to know about that, I just do it bcs I am desperate. Do u think other mariner onboard will know about it?"
- " Well probably at least 8 or 9 people will know..."
- "8 or 9???... why so many people will hear about it?"
- "well bcs there's me, there's you... and there will be the 6 or 7 mariner who will hold the cook back!".

Answer 6

Top Ten Ways to freak out ur Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

These r absolutely awaesome! Have a good day.

Answer 7

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a
cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Answer 8

On the U.S. paralympic soccer team, the coach had the nerve to put an injured player on the disabled list.

Today on t.v. the weatherman talked up a storm.

Why did the condom fly through the air?
It was pissed off.

So there are two kids in Sunday school, Adam and Michael. Michael was a sleeper and Adam found a pencil and started poking his friend. Just before Michael reacted, the teacher asked who made the heavens and the earth?

Michael woke up and said,"Jesus!" reacting to Adam's poking.
The teacher said very good. The teacher than asked who turned water into wine.

Adam poked again and Michael awoke and said,"God!"
The teacher said correct again. Then the teacher asked an interesting question.

"what did eve say to adam after they had their 50th child?"

Michael awoke after another poking and said,"Adam, if you poke me with that again, I'm going to rip it up!"

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don't scream in the oven.

Answer 9

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman escape from a prison.
With the Police in hot pursuit they duck into an alley - only to find 3 sacks.
Each of the men dive into a sack - shortly before a Policeman turns the corner.
He says to himself that they are only 3 old sacks, but he better check them anyway...
He steps up to sack No. 1 (the Englishman)...
Giving it a kick, the Policeman hears a 'woof woof' - it must just be some puppies that nobody wants...
He steps up to sack No. 2 (the Scotsman)...
With a kick, the sack lets out a 'meow meow' - it must just be some kittens that nobody wants...
The Policeman steps up to the 3rd sack and with a kick the Irishman lets out 'Potatoes!'

Answer 10

At the final of the nudist women's doubles tennis match at Wimbledon a problem was noticed by the umpire.

When talking after the game to reporters he said " In all my years, I've never seem the crowds heads move up and down more than from side to side?