Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

This one is truly priceless:

> My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is
> time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the
> special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends
> with her, and the advice she used to give!
>
> Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she was alive
> today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems
> were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
> grand motherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a
> park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring
> day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own
> family. "And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a
> woman with small hands."
>
> "How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
>
> She answered in her soft voice... "makes your pecker look bigger."
>
> Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

2006-08-09 22:19:18 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

hilarious combo of names (ex. Ben Dover or Dick Burns)

2006-08-09 22:18:08 · 19 answers · asked by speedyleedy1212 2

why did the rooster cross the road?

2006-08-09 22:14:19 · 31 answers · asked by Jennifer G 1

give me a good answers people .. to pick the 10 points

2006-08-09 22:03:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a joke

2006-08-09 22:02:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

little bobby found a cute cat at the pet store and started talking to it. BOBBY: hey kitty, kitty. CAT: meow? BOBBY: meow meow! CAT meow? BOBBY: meow? CAT: meow! BOBBY: meow! CAT: whatever..

2006-08-09 21:39:15 · 10 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

SON: i know the truth mom! MOM: WHAT?! here's $50. just don't tell your dad. SON: i know the truth dad! WHAT?! here's $100. just don't tell your mom. SON: (this is great! there's dad's driver. i think i'll try it on him) i know the truth mister! DRIVER: at last! give your old man a hug, my son!

2006-08-09 21:23:51 · 10 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

2006-08-09 21:20:33 · 14 answers · asked by amy nee 2

> >> > > Subject: Potentially and Realistically
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > >
> >> > > > A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
> >> > > the
> >> > > > difference between potentially and realistically?" The father
> >> > > thought
> >> > > > for
> >> > > > a moment, then answered...
> >> > > >
> >> > > > "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
> >> > > million
> >> > > > dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
> >> > > for a
> >> > > > million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with
> >> > > Tom Cruise
> >> > > > for a million dollars. Come back and tell me What you learn
> >> > > from that."
> >> > > >
> >> > > > So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
> >> > > Robert
> >> > > > Redford For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course
> >> > > I would!
> >> > > > We
> >> > > > could really use that money to fix Up the house and send you
> >> > > kids to a
> >> > > > great
> >> > > > University!"
> >> > > >
> >> > > > The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
> >> > > Brad Pitt
> >> > > > For a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE
> >> > > Brad Pitt!.
> >> > > > I
> >> > > > would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
> >> > > >
> >> > > > The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
> >> > > with Tom
> >> > > > Cruise
> >> > > > for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
> >> > > you know
> >> > > > how
> >> > > > much a million could buy?"
> >> > > >
> >> > > > The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to
> >> > > his dad.
> >> > > > His
> >> > > > father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
> >> > > potentially and
> >> > > > realistically?"
> >> > > >
> >> > > > The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting
> >> > > on three
> >> > > > million dollars. But Realistically, we're living with two sluts
> >> > > and a
> >> > > > queer...

2006-08-09 21:16:15 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-09 21:08:47 · 22 answers · asked by {~¿~} zZ 5

tell me something funny. person with the funniest story wins!!

2006-08-09 21:05:28 · 8 answers · asked by imalickyouallover69 5

2006-08-09 21:00:02 · 5 answers · asked by klunk 3

2006-08-09 20:35:11 · 18 answers · asked by demiss l 1

2006-08-09 20:32:37 · 12 answers · asked by Bilko 2

2006-08-09 20:20:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

2006-08-09 20:04:50 · 24 answers · asked by packy 3

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.


--Just think, one of these students may be the President someday.

2006-08-09 19:50:09 · 17 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

Free Ham!!!

2006-08-09 19:38:32 · 6 answers · asked by packy 3

Why are almost all cows so noisy?

2006-08-09 19:37:32 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-09 19:32:45 · 21 answers · asked by Miss D 7

Last time, we had this riddle:

Why am I spraying herbicide on my spice garden?
A: I am just trying to kill thyme!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

What is another name cannibals use for the phonebook?

2006-08-09 19:32:01 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet. As a citizen of this great country I plan to fully comply with that law.

From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I will substitute the name of an offensive politician. I urge you to do the same.

The beauty of this approach is that they can't easily ban these new naughty words without changing their own names. I know I could get in trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I don't give a flying Buchanan what they think.

And if they don't like it they can come over here and kiss my Gingrich.

2006-08-09 19:27:07 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

> THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP"
>
>
>
> 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, and who cooks
> from time to time.
>
> 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
>
> 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
> doesn't lie to you.
>
> 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
> be with you.
>
> 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.

2006-08-09 19:26:25 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I saw it done on That 70's Show once and wanted to know how to do it or what dosage to use.

2006-08-09 19:25:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rabbi and a Priest were close friends. Every Saturday, the Priest took a stroll, and every Sat. he saw the Rabbi on his bike, on his way to the Synagogue. After many months, one Sat. the Rabbi was on foot.

The Priest ask him, "Rabbi, where is your bike?"

"Oh, Father, someone stole it."

"Well, Rabbi, let give you a suggestion. In your sermon today, go to the Ten Commandments. Linger on those and when you come to, 'Thou

Shalt Not Steal', dwell on that for a period. I'm sure the thief will repent and return your bike."

The next Saturday, the Priest was on his stroll, and here comes the Rabbi, on his bike.

The Priest says, "Well, Rabbi. I guess my suggestion worked."

"Well, not really, Father. You see, when I got to the Commandment, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left it."

2006-08-09 19:24:02 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

that when my doggie sits on the train , the train doesn't leave the station ???

2006-08-09 19:22:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

2006-08-09 19:20:03 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-09 19:13:05 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!

2006-08-09 19:13:01 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-09 19:13:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous