Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa in the late 1800s, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America in the mid 1900s, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India in the early 1900s, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France in the late 1900s. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia in the early 2000s, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia in the late 1900s, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia in the mid 1900s, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan is now: most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq in the late 1900s -- ruled by a d-i-c-k.

2006-08-09 19:09:49 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, whatelse could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."

2006-08-09 19:06:48 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Man is speaking to God and asks him why did he make women so beautiful?

So that you would love them...

And why did he make them such good cooks?

So that you would love them...

And why did you make them so stupid?

So that they would love you....

2006-08-09 19:06:31 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s-h-i-t.

2006-08-09 19:02:21 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

2006-08-09 18:59:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

2006-08-09 18:56:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gorgeous blonde visited a world-renowned psychic. In a dark and unnaturally cold room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, my dear so I'll just tell you what I see: your husband is a powerful man, but prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death later this year."

Visibly shaken, the customer stared at the woman's wrinkled, wise-looking face, then at the flickering candle on the table, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

"I simply have to know one thing," she finally says. The fortune teller met her gaze. The blonde steadied her voice, and finally got the words out: "Will I be acquitted?"

2006-08-09 18:53:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true.

The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures "why not," and spends the night with him.

When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

"I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before."

"Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"

2006-08-09 18:50:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful.

The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him.

One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.

He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!"

She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."

2006-08-09 18:48:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

2006-08-09 18:45:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender; for example....

1) Ziploc Bags--They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers--They are Female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire--Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon--Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges--Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page--Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway--Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer--Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control--Female...Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this--it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!!!

2006-08-09 18:43:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

2006-08-09 18:40:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power in January 2001.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride vanished as I watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the final time.

I saw 21 U.S. Marines in full dress, with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated. Every last one of them missed.

2006-08-09 18:36:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

2006-08-09 18:35:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

go to a library, in the bathroom, telll the librarian ur taking a magzine and a book with u. then get in there and spread peanutbutter on it. come out, show the librarian. then lick the books. and while ur in the bathroom, say "I can't deal with this crap!" then start screaming for 30 sec. then drop somethin heavy in the toilet. then get out of the stall and wait for someone else to get out of a stall, and when they're out, yell at them "YOU POOPER!!!!!!!!!!" You POOP!!!!!!!

2006-08-09 18:34:06 · 3 answers · asked by 1+1+1 DOES NOT EQUAL 1 1

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. (Jay Leno)

It has just been reported that specially trained circus midgets have flown several shorties against Iraq today. (Johann von Haupkopf)

Gasoline prices have gotten so high that women who want to run over their cheating husbands have started car pooling. (Fairy3Quarters)

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco. (Jay Leno)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. (Unknown Source)

2006-08-09 18:33:53 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

My brother says that slim jims, the devices that police officers and thieves commonly use to break into cars, are named this because robbers once used Slim Jims beef jerkey as a way to unlock vehicles.

I think this is ridiculous.

Can you settle this disagreement?

2006-08-09 18:32:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.



6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.



7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.



9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies

Up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

2006-08-09 18:31:28 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Jonny is in I standard and thinks he should be in III Std., because he is intelligent. The class teacher, Ms. Brooks, tests his IQ.

Ms. Brooks: What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Jonny: Legs, Madam.

Ms. B: What is in your pants that you have, but, I do not have?
Jonny: Pockets.

Ms. B: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains whitish liquid?
Jonny: Coconut

Ms. B: What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?
Jonny: Bubblegum

2006-08-09 18:27:43 · 3 answers · asked by Electric 7

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."

3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
your car like Fred Flintstone.

9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast
you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

12. Garbage would take itself out.

13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.

19. “COPS” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

20. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like
whiskey and beer.

22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or
short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).

23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.

24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.

25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered
toilet seats.

26. 2006 Cloning Act:"Only Jessica Alba may be cloned."

2006-08-09 18:24:08 · 6 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

WHO'S GUILTY?

wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts "quick! my husband is back!" man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes "d a m n, i'm the husband!"

2006-08-09 18:18:56 · 5 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

My sister thinks this is not funny at all and i roll on the floor when i hear it. so want to know if others think it is funny or not. (Warning this could offend religious people.)

Ok the music is like old time gospel mixed with old time country.
The lyrics are:

Oh sinner do not stray
From the straight and narrow way
For the Lord is surely watching what you do.
If you approach the Devil's den
Turn 'round don't enter in
Lest the hand of the almighty fall on you.

He'll f**k you up (He'll f**k you up)
Yes God will f**k you up
If you dare to disobey his stern command
He'll f**k you up (He'll f**k you up)
Don't you know He'll f**k you up
So you better do some praying while you can.

Long ago a man named Lot
Had a wife he thought was hot
But she could not stop her black and sinful ways.
You know is was her own damn fault
When God turned that ***** to salt
That's the way he used to work back in those days.

2006-08-09 18:13:56 · 11 answers · asked by purple dove 5

2006-08-09 18:11:29 · 4 answers · asked by firered 2

An old man was talking to his wife about getting social security. She told him he couldn't get it unless he showed his birth certificate, which he didn't have...anyway, he made a bet with his wife he could get it. He leaves and comes back several hours later feeling proud. He said, I got it! She sayed How in the world did you get it without proof of age? He said, I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed her all this gray hair on my chest and she said I MUST be old enough for it. His wife says you should have dropped your pants, maybe you could have gotten disability!

2006-08-09 18:04:23 · 7 answers · asked by buzzbait0u812 4

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent

For an indefinite period.



4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't

Get it.



6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.



8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



9 . Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



10 .Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.



12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

2006-08-09 17:58:50 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

it goes like, something about kiss my ask me no more questions tell me no more lies and something like that please tell me howq it goes.

2006-08-09 17:47:47 · 13 answers · asked by the crazyness 2

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

2006-08-09 17:43:15 · 8 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

rated R. lolol. i know, that was corny

2006-08-09 17:42:17 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

rated GGGGGG....loololol

2006-08-09 17:41:35 · 3 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

2006-08-09 17:40:04 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5