yawn.........?

Question

i bored.........
make me laugh by 3 days or
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

Answer 1

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

'I've got some good news and some bad news', The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, 'Well, give me the good news first.'

Smiling, The Lord explained, 'I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.'

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, 'These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?'

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, 'The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.'

Answer 2

Mrs. Fenton, our company is considering banning your family from ever
shopping in Wal-Mart stores unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras while he was shopping with you.
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse is shopping:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of c o n d o m s and randomly put them in
people's
carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house-wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in house-wares.....and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Answer 3

A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing. After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing. The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"

Answer 4

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie.

"I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out."

POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".

"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

Answer 5

~ A genie appeared to three poor men. She said "I will grant you each one wish. All you have to do is climb up onto the roof of a shed, call out your wish and you will land in whatever it is you call for." Excited, the men walked to the nearest shed.

The first man climbed up onto the roof. Taking a deep breath he yelled "Gold!" and leaped into the air. He landed in a huge pile of gold.

The second man climbed eagerly onto the shed and yelled out "Diamonds!" He landed in a mound of diamonds.

The third man climbed carefully to the top of the shed, all the while thinking of the perfect wish. not paying attention he slipped on the gutter and cried out "Oh $hit!"

Answer 6

There are these two guys talking in a bar of a very high builing. one says "i built this builing. if you jump off the 23rd story window, right before you each the ground you will bounce back and land on the 23rd floor again" They go up to the 23rd floor and the first guy jumps. right before he hits the ground, he bounces back. the second guy jumps and he hits the ground and dies. a third man was walking buy and said to the first man "you're mean when your drunk Superman"

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Answer 9

Sardarji's wife to him: Do you listen me. Our cat again drunk all the milk in the night.
Sardarji: Idiot. How many times I have told you that wear clothes while sleeping.
(Sardarji- A sikh man from the Panjab province of India.)

Answer 10

i was bored too but then i just read all the jokes that got sent to you and now im better
great job everyone