Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

If Blair, Bush and Saddam had been tranvestites, there wouldn't have been war in Iraq.

2006-07-26 00:26:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A homeless person walks into a bar. He asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman, being a nice guy, gives the man a cocktail stick. The guy thanks him and leaves.
A couple of minutes later, another homeless guy comes in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barman, getting rather confused gives him one and watches him leave.
Another homeless guy comes in and asks for the same thing.
A fourth homeless guy comes in and asks for a straw. The barman asks "Don't you want a cocktail stick like all the others?"
The homeless guy says "No thanks. Someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone!"

2006-07-26 00:23:04 · 13 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

how many words can you make from the letters:
S U R E T Y

2006-07-26 00:12:57 · 19 answers · asked by smiling 3

The doc told Bob that masturbating before sex helped men last longer during the act.
Bob reckoned, "What the hell, I'll give it a try." So, he spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.
On his way home, he pulled his pick-up truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started stroking his rod.
He closed his eyes and thought of the gorgeous girl who lived next door. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Bob didn't want to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, so he kept his eyes shut, replying, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
Bob replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

2006-07-26 00:11:45 · 6 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

Two whales were swimming deep in the ocean. One of them notices a whaling ship up on the surface and says to the other, "Hey that looks like the same whaling ship that got our friend just the other day."

The other whale says, "I think you're right. I've got an Idea. Lets go blow some bubbles underneath and tip the boat over."

Both whales agree and before long men are spilling into the ocean.

The fisrt whale says, "Ok lets have some more fun, and go eat some of those men."

The second whale replies, "I don't mind a good bl@w job, but I draw the line at swallowing sea men"

2006-07-26 00:05:44 · 16 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

2006-07-25 23:57:49 · 13 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."

2006-07-25 23:56:53 · 5 answers · asked by flicflac 3

These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there."
"Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!"
"Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you a bl@w job?"
"No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."

2006-07-25 23:46:32 · 16 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

http://www.cafepress.com/timid
http://www.cafepress.com/timid
http://www.cafepress.com/timid

Is my stuff worthy of selling??

2006-07-25 23:42:32 · 5 answers · asked by Starlight*Angel 5

Will you answer "no" to this question?

2006-07-25 23:40:40 · 26 answers · asked by Aaron C. L. C. 3

A young woman in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, No boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

2006-07-25 23:37:48 · 19 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

How is a condom like a Kodak print?
- They both capture that special moment.



Who's the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee and ten doughnuts from the cafeteria.

How do you know you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Why don't old men eat their wives out?
Have you ever pulled grilled cheese apart?

What are those little bumps around women's nipples?
- It's Braile for "suck here".

The difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish is that the gold fish mucks around a fountain.

2006-07-25 23:31:07 · 12 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

2006-07-25 23:30:17 · 4 answers · asked by vison 2

all sayings will be apreacated , but mostly looking for hummor or morbid, and satirical

2006-07-25 23:23:53 · 24 answers · asked by dragonslayerfoxxone 1

I count all the Stars in the sky when i DON't know how to count ???

2006-07-25 23:09:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 23:09:01 · 5 answers · asked by bazza1873 1

2006-07-25 22:32:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 22:26:12 · 25 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

sandwiches embarrassed at the picnic convention?

2006-07-25 22:18:49 · 7 answers · asked by � Fuzzy Dice 5

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why ar e you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doingit. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

2006-07-25 21:58:54 · 19 answers · asked by ? 2

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong Hole? What do you mean Wrong Hole?"

2006-07-25 21:51:30 · 6 answers · asked by ? 2

First to get it (typed properly) gets best answer.

2006-07-25 21:44:15 · 20 answers · asked by ? 2

An ugly, scald-headed, short and fat man with a big but thin penis,
or an ugly tall, hairly and lean man with a small but thick penis,
short man is rich, but stingy
tall man is poor but open-handed.

who is your choice? best answer win the points.

2006-07-25 21:42:58 · 10 answers · asked by ton_rimas 2

2006-07-25 21:40:49 · 21 answers · asked by zeus 2

In the movie 'Life is Beautiful' there is a riddle who's answer is Silence ... what is the actual riddle?

2006-07-25 21:39:51 · 5 answers · asked by hockeyjaw 1

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a
picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the
soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they
wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles
said, "Oh, come on, and let's eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and
said, "If you do, I won't go!"

2006-07-25 21:36:38 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 21:30:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 21:26:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

2006-07-25 21:26:12 · 5 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-07-25 21:15:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous