Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-26 08:43:57 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have no keys nor no hinges, In have a treasure inside and when you open me you cannot close me

2006-07-26 08:37:32 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a briefing on casualties from the war, Bush asked how many casualties we currently had. A guy told him that we had lost 2 Brazilian. With a confused look on his face, Bush asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

2006-07-26 08:35:47 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4

an elderly woman goes to the butcher store.she asks the butcher man for the freshest turkey.the butcher man goes to the back & brings a 5lb."Here you go.The freshest we got today."The woman looks at it skeptical.She puts her finger in the bottom of the turket."No it's not.This one is from 5 days ago.Get me the freshest from today."The butcher man was amazed at how accurate she was. He goes to the back & brings her another one. "Alright. This one is the freshest one from today."Again the woman sticks her finger in the bottom."What am I stupid?!This one is from 3 days ago.Now stop the BS & bring me the one from today."Fustrated, the butcherman goes to the back & brings her the real one fresh from today.Testing it, the elderly woman sticks her finger in the bottom & agrees that it is the fresh one from today.As the butcherman is wrapping the turkey for her he asks,"I'm amazed at how accurate you figured out the freshness."Oh I've been do this for years.I never fail.Years of practice...

2006-07-26 08:35:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sarah touched her cheek and spiders were all over hand she jumped out put a towel on and screamed," MAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
She ran into her mother's room while she was a sleep.
Her mother woke up to see what was wrong.
Sarah said," Look at my face!" Sarah ran outside in the dark and started running in circles slapping herself.
Her brother Sean ran outside with a baseball bat.
Sean started hitting her sister with the bat to get the spiders off.
Sarah said "Stop! Stop! Stop!"
Sean stopped.
Sarah yelled " Are you crazy you could of killed me"
Sarah's mother rush her daughter to the hospital.

And thats all I know.

2006-07-26 08:34:44 · 5 answers · asked by whatup whatup 1

say something nice
say something mean
say something stupid
say something funny
then i'll give you 10pts

2006-07-26 08:29:54 · 10 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

2006-07-26 08:29:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress. Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

2006-07-26 08:07:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you. The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?

Bob says, OK. Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, Uh, yeah, OK. Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, I don't know, but I ain't touching it

2006-07-26 08:04:03 · 9 answers · asked by clownluv♥ 2

This is a story I want to tell yall.

~ The Red Spot ~



While Sarah slept, a spider came across her face.It
stopped for several minutes on her cheek, then it went on its way.
"Whats this red spot on my cheek?'' she asked her mother the next morning.
"It looks like a spider bite," her mother said. "It will go away.Just don't scratch it."
Soon the small red spot grew into a small red boil. "Look at it now," Sarah said. "It's getting bigger. It's sore."
"that sometimes happens," her mother said. " It's coming to a head."
In a few days the boil was even lager. "Look at it now,"
Sarah said."It hurts and it's ugly."
"We'll have the doctor look at it ," her mother said. "Maybe it's infected." But the doctor could not see Sarah untill the next day.
That night Sarah took a hot bath. As she soaked herself, the boil burst. Out poured a swarm of tiny spiders from the eggs their mother had laid in her cheek.

2006-07-26 08:02:43 · 13 answers · asked by whatup whatup 1

1-great
2-good
3-not bad
4-okay
5-dumb
6-pretty dumb
7-very dumb
8-stupid
9-not funny
10-just plain lame

what did the cute boy say to the cute girl?
you're cute

2006-07-26 08:01:41 · 14 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

2006-07-26 08:01:30 · 7 answers · asked by Stewy 2

If a leopard has 347 spots and a zebra has 192 stripes, where will your mom's cousin's uncle's best friend buy their next pair of shoes?

2006-07-26 07:57:09 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

How many outs are there in an inning?

2006-07-26 07:55:27 · 15 answers · asked by Stewy 2

what did the dog say when he got his tail cut off?......it wont be long now.

2006-07-26 07:45:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

what would you do?

2006-07-26 07:43:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot, won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did for the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on that horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horse.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings too, thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you non-Catholics, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

2006-07-26 07:43:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

2006-07-26 07:42:19 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

I figured I could optimize my time on the pot, multitask as it were.
Suggestions please?

2006-07-26 07:30:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys decide to go for a drink.
While walking towards a local bar the two guys are interrupted by another man across the street yelling "DONKEY" "DONKEY" come here donkey!!!!!!
the man turns to his friend and says " whos he calling a donkey? his friend replies " hehaw..... hehaw..... he always calls me that!!!!!!!

2006-07-26 07:26:46 · 21 answers · asked by postypaul 3

The dude is gay and wanted to go to space. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I see a potential future Michael Jackson here. HA HA HA HA HA HA! .... ok time to get back to work.

2006-07-26 07:25:59 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think I personally would be more surprised if he had come out and told everyone he was straight.
Do you think this will pave the way for other closeted entertainers, I am thinking Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
Thoughts please?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/26/people.lancebass.ap/index.html

2006-07-26 07:24:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-26 07:18:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

first one correct gets 10 points!

2006-07-26 07:11:30 · 20 answers · asked by im_with_stupid 1

Call and ask people not to use the phone because it may be dangerous for the repair crew nearby. Wait 5 minutes then call back and when they answer Scream like you have been electrocuted.

2006-07-26 07:10:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-26 07:04:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you tell me the most hilarious joke you've ever heard. it can be as long as you want..just also make it funny. the one that makes me laugh the most will get 10 golden pts.(that really don't mean anything) thank you soo much.

2006-07-26 07:00:33 · 12 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

A guy that I like

2006-07-26 06:56:23 · 6 answers · asked by she 2

2006-07-26 06:53:40 · 5 answers · asked by Hard Rocker 3

2006-07-26 06:53:05 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Christopher 2