Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.

Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."

The man says nothing.

The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."

The man just stares at him.

"In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

2006-07-27 10:03:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 10:02:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

Your friend,

Monica

2006-07-27 10:00:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

clue: Its a coloured shape.

2006-07-27 09:59:52 · 24 answers · asked by Sparkier 2

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

2006-07-27 09:55:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 09:54:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 09:53:42 · 14 answers · asked by JOHN L 2

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

2006-07-27 09:52:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recently a freind insulted me bad. This friend is really not a friend but my best friend's brother's friend. Plus this guy's a total geek and nerd. A bunch of us were sitting playing video games and someone asked him what his old favorite games was. The kid rattled some lame game off, then he adds: "But my favorite 50 cent ride is Mark's mom!(My mom)" That was the only insult he's ever said and it was to me! So I need a good comeback to get him back good. Please help me out I'm drawing a blank!

2006-07-27 09:52:07 · 7 answers · asked by Mark J 1

He already has the experience right.:).(.this is all in fun)

2006-07-27 09:51:53 · 16 answers · asked by javajunkie 3

A woman with her own business was thriving based on her sterling reputation. When she decided she needed a lawyer to help her incorporate, she was worried that their typical reputation might stain hers, so she was carefully interviewing the available business lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest! Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me $105,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case!"

"Impressive," she said. "I think you just may have the job."

But then she saw a suspicious twinkle in his eye.

"Just a minute," she said. "What was your first case?"

"Well," he said, "my dad sued me for the money."

2006-07-27 09:47:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, Pete

2006-07-27 09:44:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

pointless?

2006-07-27 09:42:46 · 21 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

2006-07-27 09:41:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

any embarrasing moment in your life share it get it out your system, at the same time help me feel better about my embarassing moment LOL

2006-07-27 09:41:02 · 7 answers · asked by sweetlikehoney_73 5

Joey is on Mt. Everest.

Monica is on Mt. Kilimanjaro.

Phoebe is at the top of K2.

Ross is atop the Matterhorn.

Rachel is flying in a hot air balloon.

Chandler is climbing Mt. Fuji.

2006-07-27 09:39:48 · 18 answers · asked by big_dave_x 4

who can make me happy? i am so sad.

2006-07-27 09:39:22 · 5 answers · asked by bad girl 1

Man is speaking to God and asks him why did he make women so beautiful?
So that you would love them...
And why did he make them such good cooks?
So that you would love them...
And why did you make them so stupid?
So that they would love you....

2006-07-27 09:33:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 09:28:42 · 13 answers · asked by Ahmed Jadalla Bushra Badawi 4

I could do with some new ones

No racism please.
Please keep the moderately clean!!!

2006-07-27 09:21:44 · 12 answers · asked by Lizard 3

to say hello, to send a letter.

2006-07-27 09:09:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think it's luggage.

2006-07-27 09:07:13 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

when my doctor said open wide and say ahhh, I said.....

2006-07-27 09:06:52 · 22 answers · asked by maria f 2

2006-07-27 08:57:26 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey babe i like you you laugh at my jokes send one in yourself and i promise i will laugh but you must admit i tell some guduns

2006-07-27 08:56:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 08:55:05 · 18 answers · asked by Boricua Chic 3

A bat came flying into his cave where all his
mates were hanging around. He had blood all over
his face and this was noticed by all. They were
insanely jealous as they had not eaten yet and
proceeded to badger him as to where he'd been.

"Leave me alone, I've had a bad night!" They, of
course, were hungry and wouldn't give up.

Finally, in desperation, he said: "OK, you want to
know where I've been, follow me."

They all flew out of the cave, down the valley,
half way up the mountain and landed in a tree.

"All right you guys, see that tree over there?"

They all nodded, eager to know more.
"Good, because I didn't!"

2006-07-27 08:54:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the first sign of madness.suggsy walking up your garden path geddit good eh

2006-07-27 08:45:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 08:38:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 08:37:00 · 4 answers · asked by postypaul 3