Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

eg - i told someone today they needed to urgently contact Mr C Lyon and gave them the number for the zoo
immature i know - but funny as hell!!

2006-07-27 14:02:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who wants to come to Long Beach?

I'll show you around then I'mma take ya bread.

Muwhahahah it's kinda hot out here..hot damn..

2006-07-27 13:57:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-27 13:54:03 · 8 answers · asked by ashley 1

it only takes 4 to extend your arm and slap someone upside the head? Try it!

Have a nice day!

2006-07-27 13:48:15 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-07-27 13:39:28 · 4 answers · asked by jaws878787 2

What is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the poor have it and the rich need it, but if you eat it, you'll die.

Answer away

2006-07-27 13:31:39 · 12 answers · asked by Allison B 2

lol

2006-07-27 13:31:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris took his wife to a fancy restaurant for their 40th anniversary and confessed to her that he had a mistress.
You gave me wonderful children, all doctors. I have a home that's a showplace, jewellery and holidays in the sun- Why should I complain that you have something on the side?
Morris was relieved.
My partner also has a mistress and as a matter of fact here he comes now with both girls. That's his on his right.
I'm looking. Tell him I think ours is better.

2006-07-27 13:19:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

2006-07-27 13:15:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there once was a girl named louise,whos pubic hair hung to her knees. The crabs came together and knitted a sweater so in winter her flaps wouldnt freeze hehehe

2006-07-27 13:13:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

gee your hair smells nice.

2006-07-27 13:05:21 · 8 answers · asked by prinz 1

A guy is in Wal-Mart buying a big bag of dog chow for his golden retriever. The signless woman behind him asks the dumbest question: " Do you have a dog?' He thinks for a second and replies: " No. I was thinking about going back on the Purina Diet. You fill your pockets with dog food, and since its total nutritional, you eat some and you don't feel hungry anymore." Everyone is listening attentively now. The woman asks, " Does it work?" The guy figures if she's this dumb, go for it and he says, " Yea, I probably shouldn't do it though, last time I lost 50 lbs and woke up in the hospital with all kinds of IV's in me"
Shocked, the woman says, " Were you poisoned?"
Finally the guy says, " No. I was licking myself in the middle of the road and a car hit me."

2006-07-27 12:56:47 · 55 answers · asked by metrobluequeen1 3

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

2006-07-27 12:51:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some action! Finish this paragraph....I think EDNA is the most _______? In the world!

2006-07-27 12:49:19 · 5 answers · asked by ghostguff 2

Got bored so just thought id ask!

2006-07-27 12:47:50 · 18 answers · asked by Motor Mouth 1

i'm not anti, i am dyslexic myself, and it makes a good break to hear some good jokes once in while....

i.e. "Dyslexics of the world untie"

2006-07-27 12:36:49 · 15 answers · asked by truelylo 3

the person that can say the worst possible thing to me like make fun of me the worst i will choose as the best answer

2006-07-27 12:36:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard the gave up the country and went to the city, and moved into an apartment complex together. However, one night it caught fire, and everyone died, except for them.




Yeah...I guess it was because they had their sheet packed...hehe

2006-07-27 12:29:38 · 12 answers · asked by merlin_steele 6

Be as animatic in your answer as you can be

2006-07-27 12:24:55 · 3 answers · asked by torontofabsingle 2

2006-07-27 12:21:40 · 8 answers · asked by Jack Nicholson 5

say the funniest thing u can think off and who ever makes me laugh the most i will put u as the best answer

2006-07-27 12:15:55 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks up to you and says - "everything I say to you is a lie."
Is he telling you the truth or is he lying?

2006-07-27 12:13:57 · 10 answers · asked by pepperprincess17 2

if so wich one

2006-07-27 12:10:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors, "I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror, I think I must fancy myself", Doctor goes "Of course you do, you're a c*nt"!.

2006-07-27 12:09:26 · 6 answers · asked by sly` 3

an inspector is investigating 3 deaths...
an english,a scottish and an irish man...
he walks into the morgue and the first body to be uncovered is the english man...
rigermortis has set in and his hand is clasped firmly over his chest.."what happened"asked the inspector..
"he had a heart attack,poor sod" said the morgue attendant
the inspector walks over to the scottish guy...
he lay there with his hand over his head
"what happened here"he said...
"he died of an annurism"
"poor bastard"said the inspector..
he walked on to the irish man...
the morgue attendant pulled back the sheet...
he had a big huge grin on his face..
"what the bloody hell happened here" said the inspector..
the morgue attendant said...
"he got struck by lightning......
...he thought he was having his picture taken".!

2006-07-27 12:03:21 · 16 answers · asked by ♥cozicat♥ 5

complaining that she has now got three vaginas .... the doctor examines her and takes a large reel of sticking plaster out of his draw and cuts off three six inch lengths. HE then proceeds to stick one length over the middle vagina, another over the left one and the last bit over the right vagina.
"Will that cure it, doc?" asks the woman .....
"Nah" said the doctor .... "but it will stop you getting f*cked right, left and centre!" .........

Anybody laughing here ........... ?

2006-07-27 12:02:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

We asked Old Sid in the pub, for the benefit of the Y crowd, for his oldest joke. He reckons one person might not know it. So if its you- enjoy.
Two judges were riding bicycles together at night without lights.
One said, Do you realise we are committing a very serious offence? In the interests of British justice we must try each other in the morning.
Next morning One judge sat and the other took the stand.
Charge is riding without lights after the legal limit. How do you plead?
Guilty.
Fined a fiver.
They swap places.
Charge is riding without lights after the legal limit. How do you plead?
Guilty.
Fined a tenner.
Just a minute, I only fined you a fiver.
I know, but there's too much riding without lights, this is the second case this morning.

2006-07-27 11:45:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gay lick.

2006-07-27 11:42:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

K

2006-07-27 11:39:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gives birth to two healthy baby boys on the same day of the same year. The second boy is born just a few minutes after the first boy, but yet the boys are NOT TWINS!! How is this possible?

2006-07-27 11:39:52 · 35 answers · asked by schenzy 3