has anyone got a good joke..i like this one..if u get it?

Question

an inspector is investigating 3 deaths...
an english,a scottish and an irish man...
he walks into the morgue and the first body to be uncovered is the english man...
rigermortis has set in and his hand is clasped firmly over his chest.."what happened"asked the inspector..
"he had a heart attack,poor sod" said the morgue attendant
the inspector walks over to the scottish guy...
he lay there with his hand over his head
"what happened here"he said...
"he died of an annurism"
"poor bastard"said the inspector..
he walked on to the irish man...
the morgue attendant pulled back the sheet...
he had a big huge grin on his face..
"what the bloody hell happened here" said the inspector..
the morgue attendant said...
"he got struck by lightning......
...he thought he was having his picture taken".!

Answer 1

LMAO!!! Oh my god that is hilarious. You have to keep putting those jokes on here!! Thanks for the laugh and keep the jokes coming!!! LMAO!!!!!
what do you think of these jokes, it is pretty long because there are a lot of them because I could not choose which one I like the most!!!!

How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!
How do you Punish Hellen Keller? 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room
Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA
Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through!
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! no seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!
Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!
how did helen keller burn the side of her face? she answered the iron. how did she burn the other side? they called back.
what did hellen keller's room look like? she didn't know either
what do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? endless love
why does helen keller wear tight pants? so you can read her lips!!
What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs
Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.
If helen keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?
What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking!
whats the name of helen kellers new movie? silent scream.
how did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.
Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car? Because shes a woman. Why cant Hellen Keller drive a train? Because shes dead.
Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.
Have you heard about Helen Kellers new car? neither has she
Why did helen keller go crazy? she was trying to read a stucko wall.
what did hellen keller get for cristmas? polio! she had everything else.
Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers
why did helen kellers dog commit suicide? you would to if your name was mmmmmmmmmnnnnnn
Why doesnt Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens
why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the **** out of her dog.
Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black
Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.
How did Helen Keller breake her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team? Because she's a girl
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too.
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.
how did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron
what does Helen Keller call the closet? Disneyworld
Where do Helen Keller's parents have her go when there's company over? Disneyworld
Why was Helen Keller late for school? DUI

yo mama is so ugly she put the boogy man out of business. Yo mama is so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look like brad pitt. yo mama is so ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure. Yo mama is so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. Yo mama is so fat when she bends over we eneter daylight savings time. Yo mama is so fat she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama is so fat shes once, twice, three times the lady. Yo mama is so fat she uses a matress for a maxipad. Yo mama is so poor burgulars break into her house and leave money. Yo mama is so poor the building society repossed her cardboard box. Yo mama is so poor she watches t.v. on an Etch-A-Sketch.Yo mama is so poor she goes to KFC to lick other peoples fingers. Yo mama is so poor she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box. Yo mama has got a major weight problem, she cant wait to eat. Yo mama is a carpenters dream flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mamas feet are so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes. Yo mama is like a televison, even a 2 year old can turn her on. Yo mama is so clumsy she got tangled up in a moblie phone. Yo mama is so nice, she offered me the hair off her back. Yo mama is like a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one. Yo mama is so ugly, she is so good at her job, being a scarecrow. Yo mama is like a 747, 3 man **** pit. Yo mama is like a hardware store. 10 cents per screw. Yo mama is like a a shotgun, first she cocks then she blows. Yo mama is like a door knob cause everybody gets a turn. Yo mama is like a stamp, youlick her, you stick her and then you send her away. Yo mama is like McDonalds, Billions and Billions served. Yo mama is like a railroad track, she gets laidall over the country. Yo mama is like the Pillsbury Dough boy, everyone likes to poke her. Yo mama is like Peanut Butter so creamy and smooth and easy to spread. Yo mama is so smelly, when she spread her legs, I got seasick. Yo mama is so smelly that farmers use her bath water as liquid fertilizer. Yo mama is so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to make chemical weapons. Yo mama is so greasy Texaco buys oil from her. Yo mama is so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid. Yo mama is like a pirate, there she blows. Yo mama is so stupid she took aruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama is so stupid, on a job appliction is said sex and she put monday, wednesday and sometimes frida. Yo mama is so old that instead of saying are we there yet from the back seat, you say is she dead yet. Yo mama is so hairy that when you were born you almost died from rugburn. Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and almosted peed her pants. Yo mama is so big, she trips over walmart and lands on target and every time she passes by the T.V. I miss a season of friends. Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on a airplane it became a submarine. Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that cars slow down when she smiles. Yo mama is like a fast food restaurant, Quick and easy. Yo mama is like a shot gun 5 cocks and she is loaded. Yo mama is like nascar two rubbers and she is ready to ride. Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the super bowl. Yo mama is so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous. Yo mama is so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the scale. Yo mama is so fat that she shoved a battery up her *** and said, I've got the power. Yo mama is like a screen door, a couple of bangs and she loosens up. Yo mama is like a snickers bar, packed full of nuts. Yo mama is like a race car driver, she burns up a lot of rubbers. Yo mama is so fat and stupid, her waste is bigger than her IQ. Yo mama is such a *****, she interned for Clinton.

I will tell you a joke. This girl was walking on the sidewalk and she was homless. This cop came up and asked where she lived. The girl said nowhere. The cop said to get in the car and that she was going to live with him. They got home and te cop said make yourself at home, I am going to take a shower. The girl said can I take a shower with you. The cop said no, the girl said please, the cop said no, the girl said please, then cop the cop says alright, but dont look down. They are in the shower and she drops the soap. She goes and picks it up and looks up and says, What is that? The cp says that is my little man. Then they get done with their shower and the cop says he is going to bed. The girl asks him if she can go to bed with him. The cop says no, the girls says please, the cop say alright. They are in bed and the girl asks if she can play with his little man. The cop says no, she says please, and he says ok. The next day he wakes up in the hospital, and the girl is standing next to his bed. He asks her what happened. The girl say tat when she was playing with his little man that it pied on her so she bit it off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Now that is a joke that is worth laughing at.

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

"No this is 832-4823?"

"oooppps! Sorry I dialed the wrong number!"

That is so funny!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!
Please Pick me!!!!!!!! I love all the jokes on here!!!!!!

Answer 2

Good one. A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going overseas on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Answer 3

one liners / bumperstickers

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I are proud to be a college student

Answer 4

One morning, a little girl asked her father, "daddy, where does poo come from?"

Dad pondered a bit, and answered, "sweetheart, when we eat, our bodies take all the good stuff out of the food and what's left comes out our bottoms when we go number two. That's poo."

The little girl stood in stunned silence awhile, and then with big wide eyes looked at her daddy and asked, " Daddy, what about Tigger?"

Answer 5

Heard this one on holiday:

A little girl was talking to her priest about whales. The priest said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the priest reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The priest asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Answer 6

ok here it goes...a guy walks into a bar, there is loud music playing, he sees a woman looking at him from the other end of bar, she's swaying to the music, so he walks over and says"would you like to dance?" she replies " not only do i not like this music,even if i did, I'd never dance with you1" the man dejected, begins to walk away, and then returns to rude woman and say" Oh, you must have misunderstood me, i said you look really fat in those pants" lol

Answer 7

Lol, very drole!
Nice picture by the way - you're very good looking!

Answer 8

lmao good 1

Answer 9

hahahahaha!..at least a smile on his face..long gone soul..thanks for the laughs ..10!

Answer 10

excelent joke i will send some via email

Answer 11

long joke shame about the punchline