2006-07-27 08:55:05 · 18 answers · asked by Boricua Chic 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
2006-07-27 09:24:22 · answer #1 · answered by Dr. Dave 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Head & Shoulders
A blonde and brunette are in an elevator.
On the 3rd floor, a manager gets on who's perfect: 3 piece suit great build and nice butt. The bad part is they both notice he has dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders".
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
2006-07-27 17:28:53 · answer #2 · answered by pistola 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me
back right away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from hi s
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought u ntil he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farm yard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he
did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under
his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew
that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!
,,,,this is one of my fav
2006-07-27 16:21:23 · answer #3 · answered by stepfunny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blond woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winning ......... and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb, but all men..... are men
2006-07-27 16:20:22 · answer #4 · answered by ♥Amanda♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A guy goes to a monastery and says to the Abbot'
"I would like to become a monk. My wife has left me taking all my money. My business has gone bust and everybody hates me. I want to spend my life in seclusion worshipping God."
"OK." Says the Abbot ,"But we are a silent order here and you can only speak three words every ten years."
The guy agrees and becomes a monk. Ten years later the Abbot sends for him.
"You've been here ten years now my son and can say three words. What would you like to say?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says "The Food's crap."
The Abbot nods and dismisses him. Ten years later he's sent for again. This time he says, "The Bed's hard." Another ten years passes and he's back in the Abbott's office. This time he says. "I've had enough."
"Thank goodness." Replies the Abbot "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived!"
2006-07-31 08:04:24 · answer #5 · answered by mirchi girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A guy goes to a monastery and says to the Abbot'
"I would like to become a monk. My wife has left me taking all my money. My business has gone bust and everybody hates me. I want to spend my life in seclusion worshipping God."
"OK." Says the Abbot ,"But we are a silent order here and you can only speak three words every ten years."
The guy agrees and becomes a monk. Ten years later the Abbot sends for him.
"You've been here ten years now my son and can say three words. What would you like to say?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says "The Food's crap."
The Abbot nods and dismisses him. Ten years later he's sent for again. This time he says, "The Bed's hard." Another ten years passes and he's back in the Abbott's office. This time he says. "I've had enough."
"Thank goodness." Replies the Abbot "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived!"
2006-07-27 16:03:41 · answer #6 · answered by quatt47 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fairy Godmother
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."
2006-07-27 18:00:36 · answer #7 · answered by langven.com 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I got this hilarious prank phone call for you to leave on someone's answering machine:
"Hi, this is Rick from Rick's Porno Flicks. You have three overdue movies: Big, Black, and Stacked, Asians Gone Wild 3, and Titty, Titty, Bang, Bang. Please return these movies by Thursday or you will be charged. Thank you."
2006-07-27 16:12:44 · answer #8 · answered by Skater_Gurl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this guy goes to hell...
this guy wasn't soooo bad that he just deserved fire & brimstone... but bad enough for an eternity of discomfort...
arriving at the gates of hell, the devil then gives him a choice of three doors...
"Pick your demise", Satan says..
and then instantly appears three doors...
"what's behind the doors?", the man asks?
"You may preview if you wish", the devil replies
"Lets see what's behind...."
-door #1
The door opens & to the man's surprise he sees a room full of people.... standing on their heads.... on a wooden floor.
"mmmm.... how about...."
-door #2
Even more surprised.... room full of people... standing on their heads.... on a brick floor.
"???...."
-door#3
He sees a room.... full of people... walking around.... drinking coffee..... the floor is covered with poop...
all over the floor... covering every square inch... poop!
The man says, "This isn't so bad... coffee, conversation... we've got shoes still... floor covered in poop.... I'll take door #3!
The devil smiles & shakes his head, the man enters eternity through his choice of hell, the door abruptly shuts!
next comes this voice on some intercom somewhere...
"Alright everone, coffee break is over... get back on your heads!"
2006-07-27 16:04:04 · answer #9 · answered by abcinco 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm boricua also, you'll get this
MARTHA MARIA FIGUEROA DELACRUZ DE LOS SANTOS DE EL CAMINO DE LA REINA
15 South Projectos, Apartamento El Baisman
El Bronx, Nueva Jork wung wung for sero sero
SELULA FON: (917) 555-5555 (today is terned off but I will get
de monee order tumoro)
FON DE LA CASA: Neybor's fon, (788)999-9999 (just ask for me and
they! will ye ll for me)
OBJECTED:
Juan day (maybe after dis job) I wanna opin a Day Kare in mine
own apartment for teng kidz.
SKELLZ:
I wash my sisters kidz wheng she goes to de dancing at 'Latin
Quarta', I shange the kidz pamperz, misk de milk and shocolate Quick
in da botella whilg I wash de novelas at de saing tine.
EJUCACION:
I grajuaded from fif grade. Deng I grajuated from aighf grade.
Deng I learned alot from my tia Juana, she let me quit skool so she
cood show me to babysit my cozins, Juan, Pito, Tito,Flaco, Papo, Chavela,
Chavelo, and Yvette (pobrecita, she dunt even nose who her papi
iz!!!)
WORK ESPERIENCE:
Wheng I got tired of babysittin, I woked in a fabrica sowing and
stealing dresses. Reason for leabing: My jefe Hector, tried to hit
on me and his lady 'Luz Maria' caught himg. Deng I got anofa jub at
B.I.M. storez , i wuz eng charge of foldeng de genes. Reason for leabing:
Tio Juan died in my other country and I hadda go to de funeraria. I
din't no him, but I hadda go ova dare, you know, for mortal support and all
dat. So anywhey, my jefe got mad and fired me. Deng I stayed home
and sold 'Avon' cosmeticos. I hadda to quik becose I orderd too much
stuff for my familia and dey diding paid. So weng 'Avon' axed me furr de
monee I didng hab it. My last jub was at "Mi Baby Papi Chulo Day Care" I
wached all the kidz for all the moders who hadda get on welfel.
REFERENCES:
Jus call the payfon ecross de estreet and ask anywung ebout
MARIA LA LOCA, eberyone know me and dey tell ju all ebout me
2006-07-27 16:14:47 · answer #10 · answered by xxxx 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋