Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

Why was the girl barefoot when she walked around the corner?

2006-06-22 11:36:53 · 24 answers · asked by JoJo Pnuckle 2

You know those cans of air that you can spray to clean your keyboard? Man, when you shake the thing, the can sure gets cold! I've used it a couple of times on my forehead. Okay, go ahead and call me an idiot!

2006-06-22 11:33:47 · 9 answers · asked by Fun and Games 4

...Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

2006-06-22 11:13:38 · 14 answers · asked by moonlight 1

2006-06-22 10:49:33 · 31 answers · asked by mrgrasim.chilledbeer 1

2006-06-22 10:36:55 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where can i search for info about a person without having to pay?

2006-06-22 10:30:00 · 10 answers · asked by charmed_xoxo2006 2

This guy walks into a shrink's office with a duck on his head.

The shrink said, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ***!"

2006-06-22 10:29:05 · 15 answers · asked by redirishactress 5

2006-06-22 10:26:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

no long jokes please, the shorter the better

2006-06-22 10:25:28 · 17 answers · asked by eject911 3

2006-06-22 10:11:37 · 11 answers · asked by Hershey Baby 2

1. Men ARE not mind readers.1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.1. Crying is blackmail.1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Just say it!1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

2006-06-22 09:57:35 · 11 answers · asked by Chino 3

10 points goes to the first person who gets it right

2006-06-22 09:46:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

are you celebrating sir? "i`ve just had my first bl o w job," the man says. "Ah, then let me get you another one," says the barman. The man replies, "no thanks, if 6 doesn`t get rid of the taste, nothing will." :)

2006-06-22 09:41:17 · 22 answers · asked by maxmoves 2

why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side! why did the chewing gum cross the road? coz it was stuck to the chickens foot! boom boom cha!
tell me your cheesy jokes!

2006-06-22 09:40:15 · 18 answers · asked by geri 3

Shame on you!!!! Jerry's Kids need their dough!

2006-06-22 09:11:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-22 09:06:12 · 15 answers · asked by abhinav 1

2006-06-22 08:57:16 · 17 answers · asked by abhinav 1

i really want 2 no some plz!!!!!!!

2006-06-22 08:55:33 · 17 answers · asked by shorty 2

because you don't know how long they are going to last, when they are coming, or how many inches your going to get...

2006-06-22 08:34:12 · 12 answers · asked by thoran6 2

I also enjoy cutting myself.

2006-06-22 08:29:53 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because when you first meet them they are wild and wet, but when they leave they take the house and car with them...

2006-06-22 08:28:46 · 9 answers · asked by thoran6 2

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN...

The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German philosophy club? I Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Arafat club? Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert Movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.
The Compulsive Rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish Optometrists club? Si.
The Anti-perspirant club? Sure.
The Pregnancy Club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe next week.
The Self Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me anyway.
The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.
The Co-Dependents Club? Can I bring a friend?



If you can think of any more clubs please list them. (please keep it clean)

2006-06-22 08:24:56 · 7 answers · asked by Imajica 5

If you must lie, be brief.


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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


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Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.


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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


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How do Belgians play hide-and-seek? They cover their eyes.


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Common sense is the least common of all senses.


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Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.


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Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.


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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.


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Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


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"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."


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Oh yeah? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?


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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

2006-06-22 08:11:10 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

I hurt my back and can no longer stand up straight. Anything I can do to stand erect again?

2006-06-22 08:08:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://cgi.ebay.com/Authentic-Philadelphia-Pretzel_W0QQitemZ9533477066QQcategoryZ88433QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

2006-06-22 08:04:23 · 13 answers · asked by person 1

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to *****.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

2006-06-22 08:00:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-22 07:58:11 · 19 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other
system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday
Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I
cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back
to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife
1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0
is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is
impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the
system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but
have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I
recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as
best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused
them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to
use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number
of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return
to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt
version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the
system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

2006-06-22 07:46:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He tried it, and said, Isn't this Swiss cheese?"

"NO," I insisted, "I know what I'm talking about!"

"Well," he wanted to know, "how can you be so sure...?"

"Because," I told him, "When I ran out of the store with it, the manager chased me halfway down the block and he kept yelling, 'Hey! That's nacho cheese! That's nacho cheese!' "

(Half the people laughed and half were horrified, wondering if I really did steal it!)

2006-06-22 07:45:04 · 7 answers · asked by cdf-rom 7

(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)
1. Breathing.....

2006-06-22 07:43:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous