Short 1 liners?

Question

If you must lie, be brief.


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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


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Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.


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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


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How do Belgians play hide-and-seek? They cover their eyes.


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Common sense is the least common of all senses.


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Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.


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Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.


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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.


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Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


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"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."


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Oh yeah? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?


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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.


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I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.


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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.


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"She dyes her hair so much, her driver's license has a color wheel."


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Even a broken watch is right twice a day.


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If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.


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A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.


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Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.


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The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's OK with you.


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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?


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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


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Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!


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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


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In Iraq: "Please don't water the plants, or the microphones will rust".


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Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.


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Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?


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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


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Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.


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This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.


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Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.


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Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.


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Those little dinky pull-down napkins at McDonald's are good for just seven French fries and two bites of a Big Mac.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the top of a coffin?


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Saw a guy wearing a T-shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."


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When the programmers finished making the Y2K changes in our office, the calendar on my PC red: "Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak...."


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I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.



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A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



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Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn



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I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.


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I have the body of a god - Buddha.


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Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.


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Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucius say many hands make light work.

Sign next to the super highway: "You aren't looking at the road!"


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They make you think smoking marihuana makes you paranoid.


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Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs. Foot-prints there are, but no finger-prints.


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A Belgian stewardess fell in love with the automatic pilot.


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Recession: your neighbour loses his job.
Depression: you lose your job.


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Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.


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Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vender?
"Make me one with everything."


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There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.


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Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.


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"It was an accident, officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times."


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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.


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What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.


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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman: "What did you do that for?"


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Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "Of course not."
Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."



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Man: "I could go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Student: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."
Teacher: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"
Student: "No. I was standing on it."


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Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?


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Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down."


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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


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What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.


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A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.


site inwhich i got these from...

http://www.geocities.com/yeahrightzine/shortjokes.html

check ya later ♥

Answer 1

Hilarious !!! :D

Answer 2

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.

What country makes you shiver?
Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

Answer 3

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to *****.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Answer 4

If you don't like the way i drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm not a complete idiot, I'm missing some parts

Answer 5

In my case a broken watch means I digitally impaired.

(You're an analog person in a digital world).

Answer 6

The village called, they want their idiot back.

Answer 7

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
- it runs in your jeans.

Answer 8

i miss henny youngman

Answer 9

WHO THE KELLEHER U ....?RHYMES WITH
WHO THE HELL R U.... ........HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHHAHA,,,,

Answer 10

i like these, they rol!