Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

I'm feeling very depressed and down in the dumps... my pills aren't working and I can't make my mind shut off... I'm crying like crazy and can't seem to stop... I'm going to take shower a drown myself, what should I do?

2006-06-30 09:39:05 · 8 answers · asked by Late-Nite 2

For example, "Arrr! I Be Wishin' I Could Quit Ye Matey!"

2006-06-30 09:34:48 · 6 answers · asked by AnswerBot 4

I have a page of jokes and I figured you guys could give me some good ones. Thanks for the help!

2006-06-30 09:29:47 · 14 answers · asked by bdbarry09 3

Does Hope Float?

A middle aged woman with no arms and no legs is watching the sunset on the sandy shore of a beach. She begins crying to herself.
A man walking nearby hears her sobbing and approaches the lonely woman. He asks, "What's the matter, ma'am? Is there something wrong?"

He then notices she has no legs and arms. She looks up and says, "Yes. I'm a heartbroken amputee and all I want before my life ends is to be screwed. Would you please?"

The guy is taken by suprise.

"No ma'am. I'm not like that. Sorry to dissapoint you."

He then quickly walks off. She is again alone and the sun is about to die down. Another man happens to be walking and hears the same cry of desperation. He walks over to the poor lady and asks the similar question, "Are you okay, ma'am? What's the problem?"

She pleads again, "Yes. I'm a heartbroken amputee and all I want before my life ends is to be screwed. Would you please?"

The guy is obviously confused at this point but determines to

2006-06-30 09:12:32 · 54 answers · asked by gordo214 5

10 points will be give for the best one.....and NOOOO nasty ones PLEASE

2006-06-30 08:52:43 · 27 answers · asked by Shelby 2

a man walks into a psychologist office wearing nothing but saran wrap.........the psychologist says.......i can clearly see your nuts!

2006-06-30 08:43:22 · 22 answers · asked by Rhonda S 1

young son walks in on his parents having sex."wots goin on" asks the son. "just trying to flatten ur dads tummy says his mom.The son replies "ur wasting your time cuz mrs.murphy from next door comes in when ur at work,gets on her knees and blows him back up again"

2006-06-30 08:29:43 · 18 answers · asked by jomom 2

1. dont call, ever
2. if you dont like a girl, dont tell her. its more fun to let her figure it out by herself
3. lie
4. name your penis. be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as spike
5. use this pick up line: "my girlfriends pregnant will you go out with me
6. play with yourself. talk about it
7. be as ambiguous as possible. if you dont want to answer, a nice grunt will do
8. always remember: you are a man. therfore, no matter what, it isnt your fault
9. lie
10. girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths
11. never ask for help. even if you really, relly need help dont ask. people will think you have no penis
12. women like it when you ignore them. it arouses them
13. vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. use reflective surfaces at every oppurtunity
14. if, god forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. bodily noises are permissible
15. hack amd spit
16. lie

2006-06-30 08:19:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-30 08:08:01 · 20 answers · asked by Saint 2

...... if you eat it you'll die.
please dont answer if u heard of this riddle before.

2006-06-30 08:06:15 · 22 answers · asked by dreamingsome 2

1. its an incentive to show up
2. it reduces stress
3. it leads to more honest communications
4. it reduces complaints about low pay
5. it cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover
6. employees tell mamagement what they think, not what managment wants to hear
7. it helps save on heating costs in the winter
8. it encourages car pooling
9. it increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you dont care
10. it eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work
11. it makes fellow emloyees look better
12. it makes the cafeteria food taste better
13. bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted
14. salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
15. suddenly, burping during a meeting is isnt so embarrassing
16. employees work later since theres no longer a need to relax at the bar
17. it makes everyne more open with their ideas
18. everyone agrees the work is of better quality after theyve had a couple of drinks

2006-06-30 08:02:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a big mouth and I am also quite loud! I am NOT a gossip but I do get involved with everyone's dirty business. Can you name me?

2006-06-30 07:57:43 · 18 answers · asked by coolqt101 2

the one that has a bucnh of lists like

You know your a gangsta when...
you know your from california when...
you know your a nerd when...
you know your arab when...

etc....

PLEASE NOTE: i dont want YOU to copy and paste a bunch, i wanna know which site it is..

2006-06-30 07:48:01 · 7 answers · asked by uhhhhhhhh 3

2006-06-30 07:46:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son. who am I?

2006-06-30 07:39:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

After 10 years your job still sucks!!!!!

2006-06-30 07:38:07 · 74 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 what is that
2 is it in
3 youre kidding right
4 (phone rings) hello oh nothing and u
5 do i have 2 pay 4 this
6 u look better in the dark
7 u have the same bra my mom does(worse if the girl says it)
8 i hope u dont expect a raise for this....
9. did i tell you i have herpes?
10. now we must get married
11. are you trying to get funny
12. havent you ever dont this before?
13. do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
14. but you just started!
15. dont touch that!
16. i think my dad is listining at the door
17. smile for the camera, honey!
18. get your hand out of there
19. i knew you wore a padded bra
20. hold on, let me change the channel
21. stop moaning, you sound so stupid
22. im sorry, i wasnt listining
23. its okay honey, i can imagine thats its bigger
24. god i wish you were a real women
25. by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
26. oh susan, susan.... i mean donna....
27. is it okay if after this i never see you again?

2006-06-30 07:36:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-30 07:17:46 · 15 answers · asked by Saint 2

2006-06-30 07:16:25 · 6 answers · asked by Luisana L 1

1 leave the photocopier set 2 reduce 200% xtra dark A3 paper 99 copies
2 specify that ur drive through order is 2 go
3 if u have a glass i tap on it occasionally with your pen while taking orders
4 insist on keeping ur windscreen wipers running in all weather conditions 2 keep them tuned up
5 reply 2 everything someone says with thats what u think
6 practise making fax and modem noises
7 highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc them 2 ur boss
8 make beeping noises when a large person backs up
9 finish all ur sentences with the words according 2 the prophesy
10 signal that a conversation is over by clamping ur hands over ur ears
11 adjust the tint on ur tv so that all the ppl r green and insist 2 others that you like it that way
12. staple papers in the middle of the page
13. publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise
14. decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register

2006-06-30 06:55:51 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-30 06:55:22 · 10 answers · asked by Brutal honesty is best 5

2006-06-30 06:53:29 · 23 answers · asked by GABRIELLA 3

Do you find this funny?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
>>>>speak.
>>>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>>>>The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
>>>>on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If
>>>>I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>>>>
>>>>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>>>>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>>>>He pr oceeded to talk up a storm.
>>>>Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
>>>>following note on the door:
>>>>1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>>>>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>>>>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>>>>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>>>>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
>>>>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>>>>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
>>>>Junior and the spook.
>>>>8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
>>>>9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
>>>>don't say he was stoned off his ***.
>>>>10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>>>>11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take
>>>>this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
>>>>
>>>>12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
>>>>13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
>>>>thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
>>>>14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
>>>>Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2006-06-30 06:52:49 · 8 answers · asked by Brutal honesty is best 5

try to make as many words you can and 10 points will go to the person with most words.
i'll post my list of words after i choose the best ok?
good luck!

2006-06-30 06:39:57 · 28 answers · asked by pinkcloud2015 5

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem.


It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.


Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."


"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."


And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.


Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.


"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"


"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."


God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"


Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

2006-06-30 06:36:17 · 11 answers · asked by xxxx 2

Your Mamma's so fat, she's taller lying down..

2006-06-30 06:34:43 · 11 answers · asked by suggest_my_nick 2

2006-06-30 06:28:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi.i hav a cousin in usa his name is ARVIND.he is about to go 8th grade .he is earning by working as a babysitter.he has saved about $300.guess what?tell me...

2006-06-30 06:18:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickleslicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My
God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh..she got fired too."

2006-06-30 06:06:58 · 9 answers · asked by xxxx 2

A man visiting chinatown notices a restaurant name Moshe Zuckerman's Chinese Restaurant. Curious, he goes in and finds that the owner is in fact Chinese. He asks, why would you name your restaurant after some Jewish guy.

"well when I went to get my permit to open this place the gentleman in front of me was named Moshe Zuckerman when my turn came and the clerk asked me my name I said my name is Sem Ting......

2006-06-30 05:57:09 · 9 answers · asked by xxxx 2