make me laugh and i'll give u ten points!!!?

Answer 1

I tell ya, I don't get no respect at all.

Why, the other day my proctologist put his finger in my mouth!

Answer 2

The Magician and The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the f__kin' ship?"

Answer 3

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Answer 4

A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a very small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

Answer 5

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Answer 6

A blonde was speeding and got pulled over by a blond cop. The cop says, "Can I see your driver's license?" The driver asks, "what is that?" The cop responds, "It's small and has your picture on it." The driver digs around in her purse and pulls out a compact, opens it, looks at it, hands it to the cop, and asks, "Is this it?" The cop takes it, opens it, looks at it and responds, "If I'd known you were a police officer, I would not have pulled you over in the first place."

Answer 7

One day,a blondes neighbour goes over to her house,sees the blonde crying,and asks her what happend.
The blonde said that her mother passed away.
The neighbour made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neghbour went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said:I just got a phone call from my sister,her mother died too!

Answer 8

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family, too."

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Answer 9

so 3 guys are going on a road trip, its night time and they run out of money, so they see this barn and go up to the door and knock on it, a guy comes out and says may i help u guys, the 3 guys ask if they can sleep in the barn, the owner says knock ur selves out. next day the guy on the left wakes up and said he had a cool dream, he dreamed he got a hand job, then the guy on the right said oh really me too!, the guy in the middle wakes up and said i had a dream, my dream was skiing.

Answer 10

When my daughter was 2 she would always run up to give my husband a hug and everytime she would headbutt him in the crotch. I'd find him in the hallway holding himself, I'd ask him what happened and he'd say "oh nothing, Naomi just gave me another hug!"

Answer 11

A vampire joke
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to work in the evening?
"Have a nice bite"!