Does anyone have a gooooood joke that will make me laugh.?

Question

10 points will be give for the best one.....and NOOOO nasty ones PLEASE

Answer 1

So a duck walks into a bar and asks the bar man "you got a grape?". The man replies "sorry but we don't sell grapes", the duck sighs and walks out.

The next day the duck returns back to the pub and asks the same question, "you got a grape?", the bar man replies "i told you yesterday that we don't sell grapes here, now get lost". So the duck turns and walks out!

The following day the duck enters the bar again, but before he can ask his question the bar man shouts at him "if you ask me for a grape again i will nail your beak to the bar, you got that?".

The duck looks up at him and says "got any nails?", "no" replies the bar man.

The duck pauses, "you got a grape?"

Answer 2

I'm sure you'll laugh on this one:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Answer 3

Blonde on the Run

A Blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the Blonde.

===
Blonde in a boat.

There was a Blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another Blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The Blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing Blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blond es a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”


ps
i'm hoping you are not a blond , if you are then sorry

Answer 4

The Wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each,
before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first
one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I
want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is
granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches
this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and
says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Answer 5

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a badtime to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.


"Can I borrow the dog?"




"Get in line."

Answer 6

3 construction workers were sitting on a scafolding having lunch. The 1st opens his box and looks at his sandwich. "Beef again! I swear if i get a beef sandwich tomorrow, i'll jump of this scaffolding and commit suicide!"
The 2nd open his box and says "peanut butter again!", he also swears to jump.
The 3rd opens his box and says "Ham again!" He also takes the pact that his comrades took.

The next day the 3 are sitting on the scafolding for lunch. they open their boxes and find the same sandwiches. All 3 jump.

When the police question the worker's wives, the 1st wife says "Peter complained about the beef but i thought he was joking"
The 2nd said "David loved peanut butter and never said anything about not liking it"
The 3rd wife said "That's strange, John always made his own sandwicheds!"

Answer 7

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Answer 8

OK so this guy is driving 10 Miles over the legal speed limit so this police officer stops him and asks him if he noticed. then the guy in the car points to the highway sign. the police dude says "that's the highway sign." just as the police dude finishes saying that, he sees an elderly woman in the back breathing heavily. he ask es her if shes OK, she replies" yea I'm fine, we just got of hi way 155!"

Answer 9

A husband tells his wife that he's sick and to call the vet. The wife says but you're not an animal. The husband responds well I slave like a horse, I'm as tired as dog, and I have to sleep with a cow.

Answer 10

Did you hear about the scandal in the toy box? Raggedy Ann was sitting on Pinocchio's face going "Lie some more, Lie some more!"