Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

the pain is in so that it can make you feel better?...and what happens if a man takes a midol...does it just sort of float around looking for something that isnt there?

2006-06-24 14:33:47 · 8 answers · asked by smilesfromred 5

I need some jokes to cheer me up

2006-06-24 14:05:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-24 13:46:42 · 9 answers · asked by Nathan 2

2006-06-24 13:39:04 · 6 answers · asked by Nathan 2

2006-06-24 13:07:11 · 14 answers · asked by Striker 5

A man was standing in line waiting to go into a movie theater when he suddenly felt the guy behind him massaging his shoulders. He turned around and said, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"
The guy stammered, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just that I'm a chiropractor, and I could tell you were pretty tense, and without even realizing it, I started to rub your shoulders to release the tension and help you relax."
"That's hogwash," the man cried. "I'm a lawyer, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me!"

Smilin'? What state are you smilin' from?

2006-06-24 12:53:38 · 12 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

I'll give you a hint.It's slimey.

2006-06-24 12:40:45 · 26 answers · asked by DRACO99 1

i am going to a church camp for a week and need to get a few laughs so if u give me any pranks make sure that they r not harmful. i don't want to hurt anyone. or u could give me a web site that has some pranks on it.
please and thank you

2006-06-24 12:33:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-24 12:00:56 · 15 answers · asked by Fun and Games 4

I RECIEVED A DOLLAR BILL AT A STORE ,IT SAID."TRACK THIS BILL AT WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM" I TRIED AND CANT FIGURE IT OUT.IT HAS THE SERIAL NUMBERS HIGHLIGHTED,SO I ASSUME THAT I SHOULD ENTER THEM SOMEWHERE BUT WHERE

2006-06-24 11:58:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-24 11:39:08 · 21 answers · asked by Mr. Tired AKA Louis the Scumbag 1

Is it something to do with noddy not having enough to pay the ransom?

2006-06-24 11:27:41 · 19 answers · asked by cooalaganga 2

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course,
me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

----------------------------------------------------------
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu:
appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked
her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

----------------------------------------------------------
Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse
me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my
full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."

"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.

"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott
said.

"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is
due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I
could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."

"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."

----------------------------------------------------------
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three
envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in
these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do
exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and
bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this
to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

----------------------------------------------------------
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into
the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"

2006-06-24 11:22:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ha!!
Now I have your attention,
I've posted three jokes on here tonight & the one that got the biggest response was the one that started "This ones a bit rude..........."
Does that mean your all perv's???
(No offence intended!!)

2006-06-24 11:04:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-24 10:47:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

"To blow out that candle you lit!

2006-06-24 10:39:13 · 7 answers · asked by neha 3

2006-06-24 10:37:22 · 27 answers · asked by catherinecames 2

Don't call me an idiot please. There are a ton of funny jokes(better than this) on Funny.com. Check it out

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2006-06-24 10:28:37 · 16 answers · asked by Bee 3

2006-06-24 10:26:07 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you dislike Bush, this should be a little bit funny. Note: I didn't write this one.

There were 4 presidents: washington, Lincoln, CLinton, and Bush, and they were on an airplane. Washington goes to the window and throws a dollar bill out the window. And he said:"I made 1 person happy!" next, Lincoln goes to the window and said:" i made 5 people happy!" and after a few minutes, Clinton throws Bush out the window, and said:" I made america happy!"

2006-06-24 10:16:47 · 23 answers · asked by Bee 3

And why did you just sing both of them

2006-06-24 10:16:44 · 16 answers · asked by ryan riddle 1

If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, and corn oil is made from corn. Then what is baby oil made from?

2006-06-24 10:10:49 · 4 answers · asked by ryan riddle 1

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

2006-06-24 10:07:17 · 7 answers · asked by ryan riddle 1

A soldier has been captured by the enemy. He has been so brave that they offer to let him choose how he wants to be killed. They tell him, "if you tell a lie, you will be hanged, and if you tell the truth, you will be shot." He can make only one statement. He makes the statement and goes free. What did he say?

2006-06-24 09:59:36 · 11 answers · asked by dacihak 3

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....

The next day Billy tells his story....

"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a
machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad
when he's been drinking



__._,_.___

2006-06-24 09:54:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

specify the movie, context if necessary, and thecharacter who said it. Any additional info you feel like adding will count in your favour. Impress me!

2006-06-24 09:50:14 · 12 answers · asked by Felix Q 3

2006-06-24 09:38:04 · 6 answers · asked by ryan riddle 1

after Englands latest match. "Yeah!" he begins, "I really like em, they taste great and keep your breath fresh for upto two hours......" A sports corespondent in the front row stops him mid sentence and shouts "TAC TICS you idiot!!!"

2006-06-24 09:37:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day a guy was going on a date with theis hot blonde, the day before the date he decides to go tanning, and not wanting any tan line he goes nude and falls asleep and burns his penis. he puts some cream on and goes on the date. after awhile with the girl he is feeling very uncomfortable and his penis is starting to hurt. he gets up and goes to the kitchen and takes the advice from a freind that said that if your dick is sunburned a glass of milk will make it feel better. he pours a tall glass of milk and puts his penis inside the glass and feels much better. the girl wondering what the guy is doing, goes into the kitchen and sees what the guy is doing. immediate understandment is on her face when she says: "so thats how you load those things."

2006-06-24 09:30:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a head but no body, a heart but no blood, and leaves but no branches. What am I?

2006-06-24 09:27:32 · 21 answers · asked by moodkill 1