bunch of jokes,courtesy yahoo groups?

Question

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course,
me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

----------------------------------------------------------
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu:
appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked
her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

----------------------------------------------------------
Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse
me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my
full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."

"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.

"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott
said.

"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is
due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I
could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."

"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."

----------------------------------------------------------
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three
envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in
these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do
exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and
bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this
to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

----------------------------------------------------------
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into
the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

Answer 1

I like those....
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roomate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between john and his roomate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening watching the 2 interact she started to wonder if there was more between them. Reading his moms thoughts john said " we are just roomates."
About a week later julie came to john" Ever since your mother came to dinner, i've been unable to find the gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? john said "I doubt it but i'll write her a letter to make sure.
So he wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the ladle from my house and i'm not sayin you did not take the ladle. But the fact remains one has been missin since you was here for dinner.
Several days letter he recieved a letter from his mother which read..."Dear Son I'm not sayin you did sleep with julie and im not sayin you did not sleep with julie. But the fact remains if she had been sleepin in her own bed she would have found the ladle by now. Love Mom
MORAL: DO NOT LIE TO YOUR MOM

Answer 2

police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into
the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"
**gigglehahahahasnortgiggle- omg i love that!


hehehehe--send the boy to college...lol!

Answer 3

Nice

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Boy, what is your problem?
Boy, I am too smart for the first grade. My sister is in third grade and I am smarter than her so I should be in 3rd grade.
The teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. The boy waited outside and the teacher went to the principal and explained the situation. The principal told her he would give a test to the boy and if he failed, he would go to 1st grade. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed.
Principal, What is 3x3.
Boy, 9.
Principal, What is 6x6.
Boy, 36.And so the boy answered all the questions correctly which were asked by the principal. He recommended the teacher for his admission in 3rd grade. The teacher said, I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him? The principal and the boy both agreed.
Ms. What does a cow have four of that I have only two.
Boy, Legs.
Ms. What is in your pants that you have but I don’t have?
Boy, Pockets.
Ms. What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy, Coconut.
Ms. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened wide and before he could stop the answer, boy was taking charge.
Boy, Bubblegum.
Ms. What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?
Boy, Shake hands.
Ms. Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, Okay?
Boy, Yep.
Ms. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy, Tent.
Ms. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless a bit and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy, Wedding Ring.
Ms. I come in many sizes. When I am not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good.
Boy, Nose.
Ms. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy, Arrow.
Ms. What word starts with F and ends with K and that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Boy, Firetruck.
Ms. What starts with F and ends with K and if you don’t get it you have to use your own hands?
Boy, Fork.
Ms. What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his and a man gives it to his after they are married?
Boy, Surname.
Ms. What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, and is responsible for making love?
Boy, Heart.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the college, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself.

Answer 4

who's submission is the final? I keep in mind whilst Baron Von Rashke's Claw advance right into a adventure ender! there are quite a few previous-college submissions that have been useful, to verify! Verne Gagne's Sleeper, the Camel snatch, Baron's Claw, Kerry Von Eric's Claw,(I specific do omit the Von Eric's by potential of how!). i admire Chris Benoit's Crippler pass Face, now known purely because of the fact the pass Face, Ric Flairs determine 4 advance into and is extremely useful, yet i might ought to assert that The Undertaker's new submission is the main devastating as we communicate. possibly of all time! a minimum of for now, besides! i'm conscious that there are quite a few strikes that I even have not pronounced, some that would additionally be greater devastating, yet who can record all of them? Heck, who ought to keep in mind all of them, good? merely one guy's evaluations!

Answer 5

Two sausages sitting in a frying pan

One says, "Boy is it hot in here,"

The other says, "Oh my god, a talking sausage."