Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Is it "sweet memory will die" or "sweet family will die"?I've read No one here gets out Alive dozens of times and memory is whats in there.However,different sites will give you different versions.Hopefully I can have one of the original Doors answer this and be done with it.

2007-02-23 05:11:10 · 4 answers · asked by Stomper69 5

A bloke I know rubbed his hand over my bald head in the pub last night and said "That feels just like my wife's bum." I felt my head later and although I didn't tell him, he was quite right, it does.

2007-02-23 05:10:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

2007-02-23 05:08:30 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle shouting your grandma's the best sex in town. Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the other end.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back points at the same guy and says i just did your grandma and it was suh-weeeet! Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk goes back to the other end of the bar.

Ten minutes laet he comes back and annouces " and your grandma liked it".

Finally the guy interrupts .... Go home, grandpa, You're drunk.

2007-02-23 05:04:36 · 7 answers · asked by Qt PIE 3

As i was going to stives i met a man with 7 wifes each wife had 7 sacks each sack had 7 cats each cat had 7 kits, kits cats sacks and wives how many were going to st ives?

2007-02-23 05:00:22 · 16 answers · asked by coyote7 1

2007-02-23 04:52:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-23 04:46:38 · 4 answers · asked by THEGURU 6

# At the ground:
------------ -----
All of you stand in a straight circle. (Straigh circle)
There is no wind in the balloon. (ballon without air...fushhh)
The girl with the mirror please comes her...{Means: girl with specs please come here).

# To a boy, angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"


# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....

2007-02-23 04:45:47 · 9 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

I have ten people helping me to prank a girl at Camp Casey

2007-02-23 04:39:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old woman goes into her local supermarket where a young girls is serving at the counter, and say's "Can I have 36 tins of cat food please"

The girls reply's " You must have a lot of cats"

To which the old woman says "Oh no,there for my husbands sandwiches, I use the cat food as a paste for the bread"

The girls reply's " That will kill him madam!"

"Oh no, its okay I read it in a book" Said the old woman.

So off she goes with her cat food only to return one week later, where the same young girl was serving again.

The girl asks "How may tins of cat food today"

"None, my husbands dead" said the old woman.

The girl is stunned and say's "I told you that you would kill him feeding him that stuff"

The old lady said " He did not die from that"

"What was the cause of death then" asked the girl

And the old lady replied "Oh, he broke his neck when trying to lick his backside"

2007-02-23 04:35:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

it needs to be something original...because ive heard just about every joke out there.

2007-02-23 04:30:32 · 2 answers · asked by Nay 2

2007-02-23 04:28:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

childrens toys by jack inabox
the colostomy bag by i.p freely
big pants by hugh jass

2007-02-23 04:19:22 · 10 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.


Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

2007-02-23 04:19:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

2007-02-23 04:14:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing over in Ireland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and put out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I'll drop by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the goo d wife she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some trout, and a few carp. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer........

The wife replied, " I did. They're in your tackle box..."

2007-02-23 04:08:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica

2007-02-23 04:06:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

2007-02-23 04:04:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats with the people who comment on jokes with stupid remarks such as ........ "whats the question"
...."thats not a question" and stuff like that........its a jokes page not a questions page is it not.

i know this is a question, not a joke but its a fair point i think.

2007-02-23 04:00:29 · 18 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

A blonde brunette & redhead were at the OBGYN the redhead says I am having a boy cause I conceived on my back. The brunette said I am having a girl beacause I conceived on top. The blonde burst into tears. She screamed Oh my God I'm having puppies!

2007-02-23 03:54:46 · 11 answers · asked by cornfed_iowa 1

cos it's not big and it's not clever

2007-02-23 03:54:15 · 7 answers · asked by i_dont_know_what_the_plot_is 1

A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.
"Where have you been?" she demanded.
"I`ve been to this amazing bar," he slurred, rocking on his feet, "it`s called the golden Saloon and everything is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are Golden and even the urinals are golden."

"What rubbish," snapped the wife. "I don`t believe a word of it."

"Here," said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. "Ring this number if you don`t believe me."

So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. "Is this the golden saloon?" she asked.

"It is," replied the bartender.
"Tell me," said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front of the building?"
"Sure do ," said the bartender.
"And do you have golden floors?"
"Yup."
"What about Golden urinals?"

There was a long pause and the wife heard the bartender yell: "Hey, duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pxssed in you saxophone last night!"

2007-02-23 03:52:48 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!

2007-02-23 03:46:45 · 25 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

What is it that after you take away the whole, some still remains?

2007-02-23 03:35:23 · 11 answers · asked by aharris021706 2

i m in 9th going in 10th i fear boards a lot help meee...

2007-02-23 03:31:36 · 11 answers · asked by nikki loves hrithik.. 1

I was sitting at a bar in Thailand. A young woman comes up to me and says "Will you buy me an upper?".
I said "What?" She said "please buy me an upper".
I Said "Is it legal to buy an upper in this country?" She replied that it was legal.
"Okay, go and buy two uppers; one for me and one for you." She then went into the supermarket across the road. I waited for a few minutes and then I saw her carrying a brown bag.
"That's good!", I thought, "very discreet".
I then looked into the brown bag and shouted, "What the hell is this?". I put my hand in and picked out two apples.
I said to her, "These are apples!"
She replied, "yes, uppers - good for you!".

2007-02-23 03:31:28 · 21 answers · asked by David F 2

2007-02-23 03:24:44 · 10 answers · asked by empress_of_power 1

KNOTT : "Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
WATT : "Watt."
KNOTT : "What is your name, please?"
WATT : "Watt's my name."
KNOTT : "That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
WATT : "That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"

KNOTT : "No, this is Knott."
WATT : "Please tell me your name."
KNOTT : "Will Knott."

YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED. READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...

WATT : "Why not?"
KNOTT : "Huh? What do you mean why Knott?"
WATT : "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
KNOTT : "But I told you my name!"
WATT : "Didn't you say you will not?"
KNOTT : "Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
WATT : "That's what I mean."
KNOTT : "So you know my name."
WATT : "Of course not!"
KNOTT : "Good. So now, what is yours?"
WATT : "Watt. Yours?"
KNOTT : "Your name!"
WATT : "Watt's my name."
KNOTT : "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
WATT : "Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."

KNOTT :"You have been patient, what about me?"
"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."
WATT : "Of course not!"
KNOTT : "See, you even know my name!"
WATT : "Of course not!"
KNOTT : "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
WATT : "Because I don't."
[Pause]

KNOTT : "What is your name?"
WATT : "See, you know my name!"
KNOTT : "Of course not!"
WATT : "Then why do you keep asking ,Watt, is your name?"
KNOTT : "To find out your name!"
WATT : "But you already know it!"
KNOTT : "What?"
WATT : "See, but you know mine!"
KNOTT : "Of course not!"
WATT : "Exactly!"

NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

KNOTT :"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?"

WATT : "Watt's my name."
KNOTT : "No, no, give me only one word."
WATT : "Watt"
KNOTT : "Your name!"
WATT : "Right!"

[Pause before it hits him]
KNOTT : "Oh, Wright!"
WATT : "Yeah!"
KNOTT : "So why didn't you say it before?"
WATT : "I told you so many times!"
KNOTT : "You never said Wright before"
WATT : "Of course I did."
KNOTT : "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
WATT : "I do not."
KNOTT : "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
WATT : "I do not!"
KNOTT : "Good!"

[Pause before it hits him]
WATT : "Oh, Guud!"
KNOTT : "Good."
WATT : "No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
KNOTT : "No, it's Knott!"
WATT : "Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
KNOTT : "Yes Wright."

NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL !!

2007-02-23 03:04:40 · 7 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

2007-02-23 03:04:02 · 3 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

2007-02-23 02:58:04 · 3 answers · asked by pu55y perfect 3