Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A very sick man is in the hospital and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps hiself.

Very embarrased, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know officer, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
cc

2007-02-23 06:29:07 · 1 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

2007-02-23 06:28:54 · 5 answers · asked by Cynthia D 3

The first man builds it and then he sells it. The second man buys it but does not use it. The third man uses it but does not see it. What is it??

2007-02-23 06:27:49 · 7 answers · asked by G.E.B 1

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

2007-02-23 06:25:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf in The Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It’s called .......
therapy

2007-02-23 06:22:49 · 5 answers · asked by $TyLi$h 2

If Night falls....then why does day break?

2007-02-23 06:22:48 · 8 answers · asked by flower 1

A man, his wife, daughter and mother-in-law had a big row over who would do the washing up and now silence reigned because they had all agreed the first to speak would do the washing up. The man's friend called and said hello. No one spoke. He kissed the daughter. No one spoke. He fondled the daughter. No one spoke. He made love to the daughter. No one spoke. His friend did the same thing with the wife and the mother in law. No one spoke. Bidding them all good evening, he went out to his bike and remembered that his handlebars squeaked every time he turned them. The friend went back to the house and asked "Have you got any Vaseline?" The man said, "Okay, I'll do the washing up."

2007-02-23 06:21:23 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

2007-02-23 06:20:45 · 8 answers · asked by iluvmyself676 3

2007-02-23 06:20:02 · 8 answers · asked by Shadow Song 4

A man walked into a bar & kissed the female bartender. Then he left. The next day he went into another bar & kissed another female bartender there too. Then he left. Well the third day he walked into another bar & when he kissed the female bartender, she smiled at him, so he didnt left.

Get the Joke? 10 points 2 the first person that get it.

2007-02-23 06:18:47 · 18 answers · asked by Ethslan 5

10 pts to the person with the funniest one

2007-02-23 06:12:28 · 12 answers · asked by Terry King 2

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-02-23 06:06:43 · 25 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

"Sucker 56 blow up five miles higher than the last one. If we strengthen the ship the next one should be able to make it. Send in another new guy. His nickname is sucker 57."

Houston, I'm in space. I made it. The ship is drifting away from the planet. I can't stear it. How can I stear it back?"

Sucker 57, put your wheels down and turn them; lets see what that does....Sucker 57, can you read me??? I guess we lost him. Do you think he'll ever drift back to Earth?"

"I don't know, but, we have to fix the ship to be able to stear out there."

2007-02-23 06:05:18 · 3 answers · asked by kasar777 3

A truck driver was delivering some penguins to the zoo on a hot July afternoon. His truck overheats and breaks down. He gets out and opens the hood to see tons of steam pouring out in typical comedic fashion. Just then another large semi rumbled down the highway. He waves his arms to signal as the other truck driver slows to a stop.

The stranded driver said "Hey, there's something wrong with my truck and I got penguins back there. It's pretty hot out, so how about I give you $500 to take them to the zoo." The other driver, an animal lover, readily agrees. The stranded driver pays up then walks into town to call for service.

He convinces the mechanic to come take a look, so they drive back out to his broken truck. On the way he sees the other truck driver walking in town with 25 penguins following him.

"HEY! What in the heck are you doing!?" asks the stranded driver. "Well, we went to the zoo first and we had some money left over so we're going to the movies and ice cream!"

2007-02-23 06:00:53 · 18 answers · asked by hatevirtual 3

A man pushes his car up to a hotel, pays the man who owns the hotel and then pushes the car away. What is going on here?

2007-02-23 05:55:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-23 05:51:42 · 7 answers · asked by lauraldunn 1

2007-02-23 05:47:03 · 7 answers · asked by cptmorgan67 3

From the Pub in a foul mood,
Wife "what's up with you"?
Man "That braggard Jones has been at it again,he claims to have slept with every women in this street bar one"
Wife "I bet it's that snooty Mrs Brown in number 7"

2007-02-23 05:37:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone remember that one??? First correct answer of who and what that came from wins 10 points for a best answer!

Ready, Get set, Go!!!

2007-02-23 05:33:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It can be dirty or not. Dirty jokes are the best though!

2007-02-23 05:33:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

hello everyone :)

2007-02-23 05:32:26 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please send me any funny jokes you all have, trying to get lots together to send to friends..... thanks

2007-02-23 05:31:48 · 12 answers · asked by Jizz 2

I oopened up a box of those Sweethearts you know the little heart candies that say things.. one said "Home run" I mean is that called for

2007-02-23 05:28:54 · 14 answers · asked by to the moon 2

2007-02-23 05:27:21 · 16 answers · asked by Barnickel 1

2007-02-23 05:24:13 · 26 answers · asked by Salaama 2

celebrety and singers
like: shakira or tom cruise or nickol kidman

2007-02-23 05:23:48 · 17 answers · asked by Aram 1

2007-02-23 05:20:14 · 42 answers · asked by Salaama 2

A man walked into the psychiatrists wearing cling film trousers. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

2007-02-23 05:17:19 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man steals oranges of a tree on his way home one man stops him and says i saw you steal oranges to keep quiet you will give me half the oranges and half an orange a second man stops him and also asks for half the remaining oranges and half an orange and a third man stops him and also asks for half the remaining oranges and half an orange when the man gets home he has one orange left he never cut any oranges and gave the three men what they asked for how many oranges did he steal?

2007-02-23 05:15:39 · 4 answers · asked by coyote7 1

A: A Stick!

2007-02-23 05:13:55 · 5 answers · asked by john y 3